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One Singular Sensation
In my acting class last night (I’m taking acting lessons by the way, in case you were uninformed), our last activity of the night was to put together a synchronized Broadway-esque choreographic dance number. Because nothing screams “Chorus Line” than a 6-foot-tall plus size chick with little God-given rhythm for anything that does not involve a polka. Worse yet, we had about 15 minutes to put it together and we all had to move in perfect synch with each other. I can only think my acting teacher is preparing us for being Cyborg extras for the new Terminator movie.

Career advancement opportunity for you writer types
Bad Sex Award

posted by Jenn @ 1:19 PM  

South Park Comes to Life in the Dlugos Household
Upon arriving at my parents' house on Wednesday, my mother informs me that our turkey for Thanksgiving has two asses. This is not what I expected to be greeted with after a 500 mile journey, by the way. We usually refrain from describing our Thanksgiving turkey’s anatomy until after the standards hellos and complaints of weather and traffic. I’m also not sure how she reached this hypothesis, but she does teach gross anatomy to medical students and therefore is well familiar with the location of the average asshole and how many openings should be there. Plus, she has certainly shoved stuffing up many-a-turkey’s rearends, so she is somewhat of an expert on poultry colons. All I know is that she was expecting to find one ass, and she found two. I, for one, am glad to see that food manufacturers are taking genetic engineering advice from Dr. Mephisto and his five-assed monkey.

The turkey also had an abnormally long neck and no wishbone. So we may have in fact eaten a small giraffe for dinner.

And of course this is just one in a long-line of entrees in my family’s Turkey Dinner Hall of Fame
Right next to the kosher turkey from last year. I’m not sure how we ended up with a kosher turkey, but I do remember no one knew what the hell to do with it. My Mom eventually discovered how it should be prepared (thank God for the Internet) and it turned out to be the juiciest turkey they ever had – even with the concern that it would jump off the platter and start dancing to Hava Nagila.

We have colorful imaginations.

So where is the rest of your Disney account?
Coming! Soon. Maybe.

Feh…and what have you been doing that you are so busy?
Finished a 119 page screenplay that turned out to be more fantabulous than the one that won the film festival. So there.

posted by Jenn @ 12:09 PM  

We Interrupt this Regularly Scheduled Disney Vacation Account to bring you:
Tarantulas: the Deadly Cargo
As I’ve mentioned previously, I am a traitor to the gender of woman – namely I am quite a fan of arachnids. I actually owned several tarantulas as pets for some time. So, naturally, I must see any movie which involves large furry spiders. So when I saw Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo in the $5 movie bin (and it came with a the DVD of the movie ANTS, which is also horror movie, not the Woody Allen cartoon) I was obligated to purchase it.

Now I knew it was going to be, shall we say, interesting entertainment as you don’t find many Academy Award nominees in the $5 bin. And it starred the guy from Halloween III, and you just can’t buy that kind of quality. The gist of the movie involved a bunch of coffee exporters visiting Ecuador, and on the way back they accidentally transported a few hundred eight-legged, furry creatures back with them in their plane. So of course, these tarantulas go on a feeding frenzy which I would have found quite terrifying if it wasn’t for the fact that there isn’t a tarantula in the world capable of killing the average person at all (especially instantly and with one bite).

I mean, really…the most deadly spider in the world is the black widow, which is far more of a threat to babies, toddlers, and pets than adults and larger children. I did see a movie about swarms of black widows on the loose, which was an interesting concept if it wasn’t for the fact that black widows traditionally do not budge from their web for their whole lives, and that they are indeed widows because they are cannibals and therefore incapable of forming armies so to speak.

And the BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA moment of Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo came when they tried to beat the spiders. How did they do this? They hooked up the sound of the buzzing of wasps to a guitar amplifier. Apparently someone in the movie read a book that stated the only natural foe of tarantulas is the spider wasp (which is true) and the tarantula lives in such fear of it that it will become immobilized by its sound (not true, mostly because I don’t believe spider wasps actually make a sound.). So they taped REGULAR AMERICAN GARDEN wasps buzzing (non-spider wasps, mind you), and used this sound to paralyze the tarantulas. Mind you, they weren’t even the same species whatsoever, so even if this paralysis thing really did occur with spiders (which it doesn’t), it certainly wouldn’t occur with the sound of common household wasps.

Do these people research at all?

And by the way…the deadly spiders used in this film? Mexican Red Knees, which are a very popular pet spider known for their docile behavior.

EPCOT or Every Person Comes Out Tipsy
So day two of Disney found my Mom and me waking up at the butt crack of dawn to meet Kathy by the Mr Potatohead at 7:30. Mom and I were ready to go at 7:00, and Mom made the suggestion to call Kathy to see if she was ready. So I called on my cell phone, she didn’t answer, so I hung up and turned off my phone, thus annoying Kathy as she tried to call me back immediately. Annoying Kathy in this manner would become a recurring theme for the vacation.

So we met Kathy at 7:40 (I’m not sure where Kathy was, really – but I could hazard a guess that it involved a wrong turn and her wandering aimlessly around the 60-foot Play Doh Can. Those of you who recount my last year's Orlando experience will understand.) and we proceeded to EPCOT, map in hand. We went on about 75% of the attractions – and I say attractions instead of rides, because every ride in EPCOT is described as “a slow-moving experience.” That is a fairly broad category – technically I could describe my grandparents as “slow-moving experiences”, but even they are more exciting than most of the rides at EPCOT. It’s not even that the attractions are boring – most of them are actually quite fun (Turtle Talk with Crush is especially hilarious) – it’s just that I need at least one or two thrill rides per theme park to keep me happy. So after several hours of being thrilled and chilled by attractions that moved slower than the moving walkway you step on to actually get on the ride, we departed the attractions for the World Showcase.

The World Showcase is basically a large circle walking trail where you actually walk through several of the countries in the world and dine on fairly authentic cuisine while shopping in country-specific gift stores. It’s like overseas traveling without the malaria shots and Belgium prostitutes (though I hear Minnie will put out for the right price. Have you seen her house in the Magic Kingdom? Florescent pink and purple paint screams “bordello” in my book). We were especially excited to come here today, as it was the annual EPCOT Food and Wine Festival, which we translated to The EPCOT Wine Festival. The wine will become an issue later.

Our first stop was to Mexico because Mom expressed desire to go on the boat ride in Mexico, which she dubbed “The Volcano boat ride.” Which was a very nice voyage, except for the fact that there seems to be no volcanoes on the self-named Volcano Boat Ride. Either Mom’s memory of the ride is fuzzy, or the hippies put pureed shrooms in her wine glass last night by the Hippy Dippy Pool. Damn hippies.

Mom also was required to stop in every gift store in every country, because she is a Stage IV terminal shopper and that is what they do. In Mexico she bought a hot pink ceramic frog. I’m not quite sure why one’s life would be more complete with a hot pink frog than without one, and I also doubt the validity of hot pink frogs being indigenous to the Mexican jungle (an animal colored hot pink and had any sort of natural predators would become extinct almost immediately. Even distempered blind naked mole rats would crawl from their holes to hunt them.). But Hot Pink Amphibian was added to our traveling party, and I know far better than to argue with the terminal shopper of the validity of this purchase.

Our next step was Norway where we went on another boat ride weaving the tales of Norway’s rich history. Naturally, 90% of it involved Vikings. Clearly the people of Disney believe that Norway’s major contribution to this world was pillaging towns and women. And the horned hats as they were an easily marketable item Disney could infiltrate the gift stores with.

And then we picked up a rather unexpected travel companion who will join us for the rest of our stay in EPCOT – Angus. Who is Angus? He is a 4-foot stuffed Siberian Husky. You may wonder why someone would buy a 4-foot Siberian Husky in EPCOT when one would have to a) carry it around all day b) figure out a way to get it back to Boston in her small suitcase. Well, let me just say we picked Angus up in Germany which…not-coincidentally….was also the home of some very large steins filled with Octoberfest beer. And I won’t say who, specifically (but it wasn’t me and wasn’t Mom), imbibed a wee bit too much on Octoberfest beer (plus or minus a liter). Which is how upon minutes of us walking into the German toy store….and $75 later…we emerged with Angus. The irony was not lost on me that for $75 she could have bought a real woofing, barking, panting dog, but hey. To some people, beer goggles make them sleep with unsavory people….to this particular member in our party (who, again, was NOT me or Mom), beer goggles make them seek out the companionship of large stuffed canines.

It was around the time Angus joined our party that we decided not to go to Magic Kingdom, and spend the rest of the day at EPCOT. I think we did this because Mom wanted to do more shopping at the World Showcase, and I had no desire to transport myself to another park. And besides, Angus wasn’t tall enough to get on Space Mountain.

So we continued around the countries now a refurbished traveling team of Me The Guide, a shopper, a drunk, and a big fake dog. This is not the traveling team you would want if you were backpacking across the world, by the way. If we were on the Amazing Race, our team would be 300 miles behind everyone else paddling down the river with me being the only one on the boat, as Mom would have found the only gift store in the Brazilian Swamplands and the drunk would be using Angus as a flotation device. We didn’t get far because the next country was Italy, and SOMEONE (again, not me or Mom) had to stop to sample a wine that looked like NyQuil (and they may have actually gave her Nyquil as they knew she probably wouldn’t have noticed the difference). This wine was actually quite tasty, and we contemplated buying some for the holidays until we realized they do sell NyQuil at home.

Walking (or staggering, as the case may be) through the rest of the Showcase occured before we decided to depart. And She Who Drank Too Much Beer actually discovered some kinsfolk staggering in much the same fashion on our way out. They had a beer stein in each hand, and slurred that they were heading toward Soarin, the new handgliding ride. They may have actually thought they were on the ride at the moment. Can’t be sure.

Back to the Hippy Dippy Pool, Mr. Potatohead, and up the Rubix cube without incident.

Coming soon: "You want me to do Animal Kingdom, MGM, and Magic Kingdom in one day????"

posted by Jenn @ 5:04 AM  

Orlando Redux 2006
So here I am, back from the annual girls vacation to Orlando with my Mom and my friend Kathy. This year’s voyage of insanity landed us in Disneyworld – the first year we did all Disney for the whole trip. After three years of embarking on this vacation, our roles have become firmly defined. I am the officially sanctioned Tour Guide, mostly as I am the most proficient at reading a map and coming out of buildings the same door I came in. Mom, on the other hand, is my personal Road Hazard, detouring me from all the major attractions through the most stores possible. Kathy just comes because the Jenn and Mom Variety Show is more entertaining then anything Disney has to offer.

Pop Culture, Disney Style
Because Disney is apparently not content until we, the people, just hand them the deed to Florida so Mickey and Minnie can procreate by the thousands like the good Lord intended giant imaginary mice to do, they recently built four new HUUUUGE budget resorts, one being the Pop Century resort. The theme is that each wing of the hotel represents a decade in pop culture from the 50s through the 90s. We stayed in the 1980s, which marked the only time someone NOT high on angel dust gave me directions that included “go pass the Hippy Dippy Pool, make a right by the 5-foot Mr. Potatohead, and climb up the giant Rubix Cube.”

Going through the decades was pretty cool, especially as they centered mostly around toys and gadgets (like the balconies of our building was a giant PacMan board, the 70’s had large mood rings on each balcony, etc.) However, there were some odd choices. Like the Rocky Horror Picture Show poster under 1975 in the lobby. Forget the fact it isn’t even Disney (it’s Fox, in case you cared) – I just wouldn’t equate Sweet Transvestite and Toucha Toucha Touch Me with family entertainment, but then again, I’m not related to Mark Foley.

Give me a break -- that was the first Mark Foley joke I’ve ever made.

I’ll be reliving my Disney vacation throughout this week, but there is no reason I can’t share some overarching observations right now.

· Disney does not wish me to ride any of their roller coasters. I’m not sure why this is. I keep my arms and legs inside my vehicle while the attraction is in motion. I refrain from eating or drinking on the rides. And I almost never throw small children out of the safari ride so the lions have something easier to eat than me. Yet every single roller coaster was either closed, temporarily closed, or undesirable at the time as they had 95 minute waits or I arrived at them as I just polished off a 4000 calorie meal.
· Space Mountain will no longer be named Closed Mountain by me. For the purposes of this blog, it will now be referred to, Hey-It’s-Right-Over-There-Oh-Shit-the-Parade-is-Coming! Mountain.
· Disney does not seem to have the proper definition of a Thrill Ride. By this I mostly mean Soarin, which is their new leisurely handgliding ride in front of a big screen which gives you the feeling like you’re gliding majestically over the Golden Gate bridge, Grand Canyon, etc. This is very relaxing. However, if you read the sign before the ride, you’d think that you’re going to be inexplicably dropped down a 6 story smokestack like Ernest Blofeld at the beginning of 007’s For Your Eyes Only.
· Your feet can actually ache so much it makes you nauseous. I’m not sure of the anatomy behind this, but I can attest to its validity. In a Seinfeldian moment for sure, I have not puked since I was like 10 years old and was dared to eat an entire can of frosting (I didn’t finish, by the way). So no, I have never puked even after drinking binges, and I’ve always been of the type that I could go on any ride after eating anything and not feel any ill-effects. However after visiting three (yes three) parks in one day (on a holiday weekend, no less), this came damn close to being the end of my long reign over my digestive system. It would have been an interesting sociological experiment if we visited the fourth park and turn around, just to see if merely entering the park would cause me to lose my cookies (and brownies, crumb cake, and Mickey Mouse ears ice cream too.)
· The Little Mermaid is actively stalking me. I have explained how much I do not like the Little Mermaid in the past, but last year I just assumed she was everywhere just because she is a Disney princess and annoying the adult woman population is what they were put on this earth to do. This year, I ran into her three times in three parks in the same day within hours of each other. This is not coincidence. This is clearly sociopathic behavior.
· People look at you funny when you cheer loudly for Disney Villains. I’m talking about the Fantasmic! show at MGM, in which Mickey gets attacked by the villains of all the Disney movies (fantastic show by the way, but maybe I’m just prone to liking villains as a symptom of my Severed Head Fetish). When Ursula appeared, I clapped and screamed loudly, which was justified as I just saw the Little Mermaid stalking me for the third time that day during that show (three million people watching the show and she made it a point to steer her boat right in front of my row). Therefore if there was anyone who could protect me from this red-haired menace, it would be her arch-nemesis, Ursula. Apparently, the guy sitting next to me was unsympathetic to my cry for assistance, as he literally turned his head and gave me the same look I give my dog when he smells his own poop.
· What do you mean your daughter doesn’t have a body image problem yet? A new feature in the ginormous Disney Store in Downtown Disney is the Bippity, Boppity, Boo Boutique where you can turn your daughter into a Disney Princess (or your son if you already know he’s going to turn out gay). They’ll do your child’s hair, makeup, and give her a princess dress (which she keeps as a souvenir). Little boys, on the other hand, are taught greed and pillaging. Near the Bippity Boppity Boo Boutique is an area where boys can fill plastic skulls with whichever stolen pirate booty they wish. I believe loose saloon girls and rum are provided for an extra fee.
· Disney also apparently does not understand the definition of a villain. Because the Villain Store in MGM, which I was looking very forward to seeing, was filled with items featuring Captain Jack Sparrow and Jack Skellington (Nightmare Before Christmas), both which fall closer to hero than villain on the Villain-O Meter.
· Of course there’s a Villain-O meter.

More tomorrow.

posted by Jenn @ 12:57 AM  

Going to Disneyworld Soon
And according to the website, Closed Mountain (which I call Space Mountain as it has been closed every goddamn time I’ve been to Disneyworld so therefore I’ve never been on it) is scheduled to be open. But there is still time plenty of time for my travel agent to inform the Closed Mountain operators of my arrival so they can break it.

And Big Thunder Mountain Railroad will be closed, which I’ve also never been on. I could have gone on last year but there was an insane wait for it and we were only spending one day in Disney last year, so I passed it up to see something else instead. So clearly they closed it out of spite.

posted by Jenn @ 1:11 PM  

BEST PIC OF ME EVER
Weymouth Woman wins Screenwriting Award
Just for the record, this pic was taken a year and a half ago (when they did this spectacular article about me). I was like 80 pounds heavier back then (and stuffing my bra with basketballs, evidently).

posted by Jenn @ 11:51 AM