DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Someone alert Gallagher
State Watermelon record broken

Amusing Fantasy Football email
I joined a Fantasy Football league with some of my girlfriends. When you do such a thing, you have to come up with your own team name. I always believe in truth in advertising, so my team is aptly named Asses in Tight Pants. My league name is Badass Bitches. So Yahoo! had to send me an email that said:

Congratulations! We are happy to inform you that your team Asses in Tight Pants has been added to the football league, Badass Bitches.

The Studio
I’m at The Comedy Studio tonight all, so come by and see me. Or go rob my house. Either one.

posted by Jenn @ 12:37 PM  

Strange Censoring
I was flipping through stations and saw National Lampoon's Vacation on cable. It gets to the part where they are at Cousin Eddie's house, and Cousin Eddie's teenage daughter is talking to Chevy Chase’s daughter, Audrey. I can’t remember the exact exchange, but it is something like:

Cousin Eddie’s Teen Daughter: I have a boyfriend. And I french kiss.
Audrey: So? Everyone does that.

Now, the line that is supposed to follow is:

Cousin Eddie’s Teen Daughter: Yeah, but Daddy says I’m the best at it.

But the censors changed it to:

Cousin Eddie’s Teen Daughter: Yeah, but my science teacher says I’m the best at it.

So for those of you who want to know the status of The Decency Wars: incest – still bad, statutory rape – OK.

Sporadic Blogging
Sorry all. This summer has been very busy, and just haven’t had the time to blog as I should. But things are less crazy now, so I will be returning to my pseudo-daily blogging schedule.

posted by Jenn @ 12:32 PM  

Life Lessons Learned from Snakes on a Plane

Snakes get horny off of spiked leis. Bearing this, one could also assume that snakes also giggle when their friends come back from Hawaii and say “Look, Bob….I got leied!”


When they are really, really horny, snakes prefer to bite humans in the tits, ass, and crotch. Please plan accordingly when honeymooning in the Galapagos.


While one may assume that snakes of different species would be violent with each other, in fact they get along just dandy and really border on cliquey.


After an anaconda eats a moderate-sized mammal, it will immediately turn around and eat a fat person. In homosapians, this is called binge eating disorder.


If the windows are shot out of the plane, you only need a thin rope to keep you from floating out into the 600 mph winds. This is a refresher course for those who may have missed the movie Twister.


In lieu of scientific reference books when deciding which anti-venom to give to a patient, a snake species can be correctly identified by a fourth grader’s drawing.


Venomous snakes love hobnobbing around air conditioning, despite the fact they are indigenous to the equator.


Snakes have the same chartreuse laser-beam eyesight one would expect from, say, The Green Lantern.



Overall

Stupidest movie I’ve ever been happy to pay money to see, as it’s the first movie I’ve ever seen that was intentionally funny but made it look unintentionally funny. And, really, this series should not die as the sequel titles are endless:


Tarantulas on a Trolley

Electric Eels in an Elevator

Grizzleys on a Greyhound

Piranhas in a Paddleboat

Crabs in a Cable Car

Panthers in the PopeMobile


But it looks like

Snakes on a Train will be the sequel. Which seems a whole lot less interesting as trains can simply stop and let people off, whereas a plane cannot exactly do that. Now Snakes in a Submarine? THAT would be cool.

posted by Jenn @ 12:39 PM  

Screaming Meemies
OK, it’s official. I do no have the patience to spawn. Forget the fact that I have never looked at a baby and thought it was cute because they all look like unformed aliens from the planet Xanthia who infiltrate their genetic code into their mother’s tit, which consequently is sexually transported to the father, turning them both into obedient androids that cater to its every demand. No, I learned while visiting the Buffalo zoo on Sunday in which I was subjected to a barrage of thousands upon thousands of screaming children, that the only way I would ever even consider bearing a child would be if he popped out of my vagina 18 years old with a high school degree, a college fund, and a full time job prospect, so the doctor can just hose him off and send him out into the world. Occasionally I’ll bake him some cookies and a bowl of milk and leave it on the back stoop for him. Hey, it works for the neighborhood cats.

Proving that Australian scientists will not be finding a cure for cancer any time soon
Australian scientists called in to study ugly sheep

posted by Jenn @ 12:23 PM  

Adrenaline Makes You Stupid
Yesterday was one of those nights that I had 500 places to be and only four hours to complete everything. I'm sure you've gone through nights like this. It's those days when you look at your schedule and think that perhaps human cloning should not be illegal. But as I have not yet mastered gene replication, I was forced to do everything myself which is how I learned when your adrenaline spikes over 450 times in a four hour period, the adrenaline slowly starts eating your brain.

It began with me rushing through Borders to buy a present for one of my comic friend, whom I am visiting this weekend as it is his 40th birthday. I was very frazzled, because I had to make it across town for an appointment, which I was already about fifteen minutes late for. So, in a hurry, I thought I'd get him something that would be special to a comedian, and my first thought was Lenny Bruce's autobiography, as it is hailed a must-read for anyone in the entertainment industry. Borders, who always only has books that I am not looking for at that moment, actually HAD it. Sweet! The gift gods hath smiled down upon me! So I was in line ready to purchase it, and that's when I remembered one very important thing:

MY FRIEND IS BLIND.

Yes....I almost bought a blind man A BOOK for his birthday.

I suddenly understand why George W. Bush waved at Stevie Wonder.

So instead I went with one of the Evening at the Improv mix CDs. Though I thought about saving that for my deaf friend for Christmas.

posted by Jenn @ 12:58 PM  

Out, damn baked bean spot!
So I went to see Shakespeare in Boston Commons on Saturday with my friend Kathy. Not only was the play very enjoyable, it just happened to be the best day weather-wise in the history of mankind to see any sort of outdoor event EVER. Seriously, even people at funeral burial services were turning to each other and saying, “Hey, it’s a bitch Bob’s gone, but damn….he really did pick a lovely day for it.”

First of all, a thing to note if you’re planning to stay a long period of time in Boston Commons for any reason is pee well before you get there. Because not only is there no public restrooms in the park, apparently all the local businesses around the park do not have easily accessible bathrooms either as they fear the homeless people will use them. Therefore, in order to pee in their restrooms you need to buy a lobster dinner with chicken dumplings and an entire Baked Alaska first. You’d think they’d realize that these No Pee Zones almost always backfire, such as in New York City, where public urination is citywide past time, and also in France which has pay toilets that only accomplish motivating people to pee on flower and baguette carts.

Finally I found a nice place that would allow me to pee without selling my friend Kathy into prostitution first (but it had a security system that was clearly inspired by Auric Goldfinger. I was waiting for the toilet to turn into a giant 3-D map of the city. )

This year, they did The Taming of the Shrew, which is always wildly entertaining. I knew in advance that they tend to choose to set their Shakespeare plays in a more modern time, which I normally LOATHE, but they did it superbly because it wasn't overdone. They set it in an undetermined time (roughly 30s-ish) in the Italian North End of Bostonia, and they didn’t overdo the local humor so it was a nice balance of traditional and modern. And their comic timing was brilliant. Highly recommend it.

posted by Jenn @ 12:16 AM