DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Random thought when I’m not ass-deep in snow
I seriously, unequivocally, and absolutely…..do not have the patience to be a serial killer.

Of course, I’m not talking about the stab-ya-steal-your-car-leave-you-by-by the-roadside serial killer. Those guys have it easy. Not that I’m thinking about applying for the job, mind you, because in general I believe in the concept of life, find serial killers completely reprehensible, and for chrissakes I don’t even eat meat. Plus I wear a lot of creams and pastels, both of which are completely unbleachable.

The ones I’m referring to are the sadistic mofos who actually enjoy the process. Like Jigsaw from Saw. That would take entirely too much planning and too little spontaneity. Just look at one of his murders. First he had to create a metal brace to fit over the persons jaw that would break said person’s jaw if said person didn’t open it with a key. I don’t care how crafty you are with a blow torch and welding equipment…that is definitely a special order item. He had to research vendors for that thing and come up with some convincing back story (a dentist who deals solely in severely dislocated mandibles, perhaps?). Then, after the shipment finally arrives and works properly (I’m thinking some test subject was involved. Probably some hard-up college student. He was probably given a couple kegs for his inconvenience), you have to find a unique hiding space for the key. You can’t hide the key to the jawbreaker in the door jam or under the potted plant, after all. Oh no, no Nanette. That’s the first place EVERYONE looks. After all, you’re a sociopathic sadist. Creativity is part of your job description. Clearly, you will have to kill another person. But first, you have to make the person you’re going to kill swallow the key (this will be quite difficult. People tend not to want to cooperate with you when you are trying to kill them). Finally, you have to give some sort of clue to the victim who is wearing the jawbreaker that the key is hidden inside the other dead person. But you can’t just tell them that outright. Again, too easy. You have to create some sort of clue for them. Again, this is difficult because most adult learning centers do not have courses in cryptography, and especially not online courses (sociopaths are generally sociopaths because they don’t like being around people). So, clearly, you’ll need to read some sort of self-help book on this matter while waiting for the jawbreaker to be built and the person you are about to kill to swallow the damn key.

Way too time consuming, methinks.

posted by Jenn @ 1:41 PM  

Evidently carry-on luggage is in the eyes of the beholder
Lady smuggles human head on airplane
Even more shocking it made the weight requirements, because you know the human head weighs 8 pounds.

And just because I link to every article that has to do with sheep...
Sheep Fucking in Michigan

Dude….are you ever going to update your stand-up schedule?
Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. I actually have some dates that are NOT in the not-so-distant past. Like this Sunday at Rafferty’s in Marshfield. It’s supposedly a Desperate Housewives show (don’t know howI qualify as I am neither a housewife nor desperate). Show starts at 7:00. Hey, my brother will be there. If anything, you can come and tell him how sorry you are that he’s related to me.

posted by Jenn @ 12:32 PM  

Thoughts one has when one is ass-deep in snow….
I wouldn’t be vehemently imposed to my boyfriend having me converted into a Stepford wife.

And of course I’m talking about the absolute literate definition of the word, NOT the looser definition of “any Connecticut-dwelling white woman living in a housing complex containing the word ‘estate’ and owns more than three crocheted toilet paper covers.” I mean the kind from Ira Levin’s book. That lifestyle would have a lot of perks, methinks. For example, no man-tailored suits. I’m not sure why they are even in fashion, am more perplexed that they are not yet out-of-fashion, and irritated because I’m entirely too hippy for them. And gutty, thighy, and assy, for that matter.

And I would get to be a robot. Granted, becoming a mindless, programmed machine with no conscious is not for everyone. (Must….resist….Dick Cheney…..joke). But there are plenty of perks. You never get sick, you never need sleep, and you don’t have to worry about getting killed if you go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Hey, I tried.

And of course this thread comes up because…
I saw the new Stepford Wives this weekend. I’ve had it for about a year now on my shelf, because my Mom bought it for me as I am quite a fan of the first film and the book. I didn’t have high hopes at all, but I was very pleasantly surprised. It was hysterical and disturbing. Granted, those two aren’t generally mutually exclusive for me (I am a John Waters fan, after all), but they did a good job. Good Netflix rental.

Oh, and sorry…
About Friday. I had no Internet all day. I’ll make it up some time this week.

posted by Jenn @ 1:31 PM  

The key to any relationship is compromise
I know this will be shocking to those of you who yawn through my horror movie reviews, stare open-mouthed at my highly insensitive comments of people who get maimed or killed through some extraordinarily stupid means, or just generally cringe at my gratuitous use of the word “dildo”, but I’m really not a Valentines Day chick. I’m more of a chick with a strong propensity to the macabre, gross, and otherwise vastly unappealing. And likes the word “dildos.” Which one can argue is a fine Valentines Day item. See, I’m not completely heartless.

My boyfriend, otherwise known as “Bullrider” as that is his occupation (yes, really), is a romantic...the “send me flowers, writing love letters, non-dildo proponent” romantic. So, clearly, he was a little underwhelmed at my suggestion of spending Valentines Day weekend at The Images of Evil Film Festival. I really don’t know why. Seriously, is there MUCH difference between Clark Gable and Nosferatu? Neither of them gets the girl in the end, after all. Sure, it’s because Nosferatu tries to EAT the girl, but the difference is trivial at best.

So we compromised. We will be going to the Images of Evil film festival, but we’ll be eating dinner at Casablanca restaurant. I get to see blood and guts, he gets atmosphere and non-plastic tablecloths, and at the end, neither one of us will need a dildo. All-win situation, folks.

posted by Jenn @ 1:37 PM  

The Steelers won
And some people somewhere are surely elated by this.

Florida in May
My friend is taking her first vacation EVER. When I mean "ever", I don't mean "first luxury vacation", or "first voyage at least two states away from her residence" or even "first excursion where anal beads and petroleum jelly are considered 'carryons'." I mean, if she hasn't lived within a couple hours of it, she hasn't been there. So, clearly, she is a bit overdue.

So she decided, with the persuasion of a couple of her estrogen-toting friends, to go to Orlando with her kids. Now, here's the kicker. She asked me to go along with her. She says she wants some "adult conversation" (I'll give you a couple minutes to finish laughing at that.) You know when you go to a bar and see a couple of women having a FAR better time than they should considering the laws that govern the land and whatnot? That will be us. Then you factor in the fact that her daughter is old enough/responsible enough to babysit for a few hours (and hotels have child services for such occasions), this is her first time in Orlando, and she hasn't been out with an adult alone for FUN since sometime during the Carter Administration....I'm thinking the whole state of Florida should probably migrate up north for the week. Perhaps the entire South, actually.

posted by Jenn @ 12:29 PM  

See, told you I’d be back
Bah on all you doubters.

The Aristocrats
I know I’ve mentioned this movie before, but you probably forgot about it. Therefore, I’m mentioning it again. This movie is about 100 comedians telling their version of one of the dirtiest jokes ever made. Now when I say dirty, I should probably warn you that unless you are/were a comedian or an aspiring comedian or just happened to be an unfortunate soul who was hanging out with comedians after an open mike night in the middle of Lowell, Massachusetts one night, rest assured that you are not accustomed to this level of dirty language. Yes, I mean you. And stop shaking your head at me. You may think you’re bad ass, but trust me…you haven’t heard a stream of filth like this for 90 minutes at a time. Even those of you here who formerly worked in a prison. And most likely those of YOU who are here probably heard me talk, so that’s saying something.

That said, go see it. Really. If only to hear Bob Saget lament about fingering.

What I am doing this weekend
Because I really could care less about the Superbowl as I have no stock whatsoever in either of the teams that are playing (ha! See! It’s not because I have fallopian tubes!), I’ve decided to do a lot of writing. Why? Because I want to submit something to the Final Draft screenwriters’ contest and the Moondance Film Festival.

Now you are probably thinking, “My, she’s ambitious! Good for her!” (Well, no you are probably NOT thinking that. You’re probably still stuck on Bob Saget lamenting about fingering. Could you switch gears for just a second please? I only spill my guts once every 48 hours here…). And it would be ambitious, if I decided this in, say, October. See, the deadlines for both of these are in April. And I just started writing my screenplay yesterday.

Unfortunately, when I get my mind set on something, it’s hard to dissuade me otherwise. Oh I’m sure there is some shiny object buried deep inside the North wing of the Aztec temples that one could hold up to my face and say “see? Pretty!” that might, MIGHT break my concentration, but otherwise…April 1st. I’m going to work night and day so that my screenplay will be done and ready to be read by actual human beings judging a screenwriting contest. Unless someone waves Nerds Ropes or baby Jesus butt plugs in front of me (preferably at the same time). Priorities you know.

posted by Jenn @ 1:16 PM  

What I’ve been doing
Some of you are surely saying by now, “She comes and goes on this site as she pleases, without even saying a word, or calling, or letting us know when she’s going to be here. If we don’t put our foot down with her, she’s going to end up raped in a ditch somewhere with blood and lymph and bile oozing from every orifice. Or, worse yet, pregnant.”

Yes Mom, I’ll call you tonight.

Don’t worry, I’m still here, just hiding a bit. You see, I’ve decided that my site’s graphic design….while fresh and cutting edge around the time computing was done with an abacus…needs an updated look. So THAT’S what I’ve been working on. Trust me, I’d much rather come here and visit you and chat about weaving drivers distracted by porn or stolen manhole covers , but as important as those discussions are, NOT scalding future publishers’ retinas with the Chernobyl yellow and green on black font on my website, takes precedence.

But keep your pants on, Junior
Because I can't abandon you guys entirely, I’ve decided to adopt an every other day blogging schedule just for the month of February (or earlier, if I fix the website up before that). One day I blog, one day I work on web crap. See, you will still get your lunch-time dejennerate breaks, just not every day. Well, you could technically still get them every day if you wanted to come back and read the same crap I just posted the day before. Whatever makes you happy, really. I’m sure it will be as spellbinding as it was the first time you saw it. Kind of like Cats.

Oh, and anyone named Junior doesn’t really have to keep their pants on. Or their boxers, pasties, and nipple clamps for that matter. Sure, I think this site is viewed best fully clothed, but far be it for me to persuade your personal interpretation of my work.

So that’s my piece. Sorry to do it, but maybe I’m a person who’s better in smaller doses anyway (stop the email campaign…you know who you are). Have a wonderful Post-Hump Day, and see you Friday.

posted by Jenn @ 12:18 PM