DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

This morning in "Criminal Activities Everyone Thinks Of But Never Actually Does."
Man arrested for driving in HOV lane with Mannequin

And clearly, we will have a cure for cancer any day now
Study shows that sheep who listen to opera make better fleece

posted by Jenn @ 12:16 PM  

Weird thing my body is doing #856
It is well documented that sometime after I was conceived, the Sandman decided that I could get by with the same amount of shut-eye as your average bottle-mouthed trout or cornsnake or…uh....whatever other animal has no eyelids (plankton! That’s it. Sure they don’t actually have eyes to go with the eyelids, but isn’t that all the more reason they don’t get a decent night’s sleep?). The point is that I don’t need a lot of sleep to function. However, up until about three weeks ago, my miniscule amount of sleep was being carried out in the nighttime hours. Now? I’m falling asleep completely at random. 8:00 at night…..6:00 in the afternoon….shortly after breakfast...whenever. The point is I am now awake for the entire span of what we call “night.” So I can only deduce that my body is facing an infomercial deficiency, or is practicing for when I do finally transform into a werewolf.

posted by Jenn @ 12:29 PM  

Meatless Meat Burger
If there was no such thing as veggie burgers, veggie sausages, veggie hot dogs, etc., I could not be a vegetarian. First off, I don't particularly like tofu (or, probably more likely, do not have the patience to prepare it correctly so it doesn't taste like Nothing- now with a meat texture!), and as much as I like beans/nuts/whatever, I simply can't eat them as my main protein source every single meal. It gets a little boring, and generally speaking consuming 165 grams of fiber per day tends to be rather unpleasant for those around you.

And then there's the social factor. If it was not for the all-important garden burger, I wouldn't be able to eat at a good 75% of restaurants. Oh sure, some of you are saying, "Well, you can always have a salad." Here's your homework assignment..go to any national chain family restaurant and count how many of the entree salads do not have some form of chicken, fish, beef, or bacon in it. Oh and discount those with creamy dressings, because creamy dressings make me dry heave. See, told you I was stuck with a garden burger.

Anyway, yesterday I went to RiRa in Providence. I heard good things about it. So I go, and of course have the garden burger.

Oh my God.

I actually had to look at the sandwich to make sure I didn't get a hamburger. It was THAT good. Now mind you....I like the taste of veggie burgers, and have no problem with the great majority of veggie burgers that do not taste like hamburgers. But the reason I eat veggie burgers is because I like burgers. So a veggie burger that has the same relative calorie content as a regular veggie burger, that tastes like a real hamburger.....well, who the hell needs the Pearly Gates crap, huh?

So, yeah. I'm recommending you try it. Trust me.

posted by Jenn @ 12:16 PM  

Newsflash of the day
Biological Proof that I can coexist peacefully with Ann Coulter.

Day Three of Cable Shutdown
In general....I don't watch much television. I'm not a "flipper", I'm not a "I'm bored, let''s see what's on" viewer, and generally speaking, Nielsen would have disowned me from the family a long time ago. Yet, this no cable is killing me.

Mind you, it's not like I'd actually be watching anything these last two days. Monday and Tuesday are usually "Catch Up on Message Boards and Play a Computer Game Until My Eyes Start to Bleed Nights" (as opposed to"Stare at my Joke Folder much like one Stares Into an Abyss to Give Myself the Illusion I'm writing new Stand-Up Material Wednesday" and "Stare at Your Novel in the Same Fashion You Stare At Your Jokes File Thursday."). But just the fact that I CAN'T watch something, means that I really, really want to. I equate it to my cat who started humping my end table immediately after he got fixed. Before the procedure, that end table was just a mere fixture obscuring wall space that was prime for pissing on. Afterwards, it was the biological equivalent of a tomcat that fell in a vat of catnip, tuna fish, and Cialis.

posted by Jenn @ 12:12 PM  

The Daily Show – Indecision 2004
As I still don’t have cable, I am forced to watch my DVDs I got for Christmas. So I watched this, a three disk set featuring Jon Stewart’s coverage of The Democratic National Convention, the Republican National Convention, and a Bonus disk of random election-appropriate Daily Show skits. I have said it once, and I’ll say it again….Comedy Central DVDs have awesome bonus material. Even their standup special DVDs usually have one or two extra stand up specials as “bonus” material. This box set is no different. The Bonus material is the Daily Show election day coverage and presidential debates, plus quite a few extra snippets pertaining to the election. I recommend picking it up.

Pet Parrot Bites Alleged Burglar
Hey, maybe I should get a parrot!

Parrot blabs woman’s secret lover's name to boyfriend
Never mind.

Long overdue review of the Museum of Fine Arts
As you may recall me saying, last weekend I went to visit the Museum of Fine Arts as part of my See Crap in Boston I’ve Never Seen Before project. Just a couple overarching observations:

It’s big. Really big. But not so big that I couldn’t do it in three hours in “approach exhibits as you would a driveby shooting” speed.

They enjoy giving constant reminders that you will in fact die. At least every third room or so, there is either a mummy, or a walkthrough tomb. If you had any false hopes of immortality, they will be crushed before you leave.

There is no reason for it to be as confusing to navigate as it is. When you look at the map, it would appear to be a giant circle. In reality it is a Giant Circle with Random Halls That Lead You Inexplicably Into One of the 78 Exhibits of Colonial Furniture and Bongo Drums. Now I understand why they have so many tombs. They expect us to die there.

But overall, a rewarding experience. Next month’s plan is to see the Beanpot, which may even be more enlightening, if only because alcohol will be involved.

posted by Jenn @ 11:45 AM  

Ooops…..sorry about that
Just got into the habit of blogging again, and I get Whooping Typhoid Arthritis.

No wait….it was Malignant Bird Syndrome.

Or was it Mad Scabies Deficiency?

Whatever. I was sick, all right?

And while I was loitering near my death bed
Apparently, The Patriots are no longer a part of the Post-Season Festivities. Which is good, because my cable for some inexplicable reason went out and I have no television until the cable company decides it wants to fix it. Given the current timeline my cable company works on, I should be able to see football again from the TV in my flying car.

That’s it?
You know how you're reading this from the comforts of your own home because it's Martin Luther King's Day? I don’t want to work either.

posted by Jenn @ 12:23 PM  

Colorado Man Finds Condom in Filbert Nut
Somewhere in there, there is a Fill Bert joke. If you find it, let me know.


Weekend Plans
I decided this year that aside my normal resolutions of “eat healthy and exercise”, (otherwise known as Resolutions I Follow When my Fat Jeans Feel Tight), I will add a fun resolution. Not that Avoiding Premature Death From Lardassity isn’t fun, per se…not having to get a quadruple bypass almost always beats out having to get one in the Fun Factor…but I wanted to have a resolution this year that had a little more instant gratification. Upon looking around my local neighborhood o’Greater Boston, I realized there are a lot a of things I haven’t seen even though I’ve been living here for about five years or so. So, I resolved that once a month, I will go see something in Boston I haven’t seen before. This month’s plan is to go to the Museum of Fine Arts and the Gardner’s Museum. And I'm planning on doing both tomorrow.

When sharing this with my friends, many said, “Oh my God, those places are HUGE. You’ll never do them in one day.” But this is the thing…I like art, but I approach art museums with the same intent that criminals approach drive-by shootings. I approach an exhibit, slow down while never coming to a full stop, and get the hell out of there, repeating with next exhibit. So I’m thinking, 3 hours tops. I can sense some of my friend's heads exploding at this revelation.

The gift shop, however, will take at least 7 hours. Because it’s not having visited a place that matters, it’s how many over-priced, highly breakable souvenirs you own to prove you visited said place that counts.

posted by Jenn @ 12:56 PM  

Amusing Festivus Present
First off, if you don’t know what Festivus is go Google it and come back so you are not confused.

Everyone back? Good.

I, among many other diehard Seinfeld fans, celebrate Festivus – that made-up holiday that comes around every December 23rd. For the last couple of years, my friend has hosted a Fesitvus party, complete with a non-tinseled aluminum pole, airing of grievances in which we tell everyone how they disappointed us over the year, and feats of strength which require pinning the head of the household to the ground. This year we started a “Secret Stiller” program (an ode to Jerry Stiller, the grandfather of Festivus). This operates much like a Secret Santa program, except we have to buy our chosen person the most unthoughtful gift we could imagine. For example, my person was an animal-rights activist vegan, so I bought him a venison cookbook and the computer game “Deer Hunter.”

My person got me something that was quite unthoughtful, but not outwardly so. He got me SceneIt? The Music Edition. SceneIt?, as I described yesterday, is a movie trivia DVD game. I am notoriously good at most versions of SceneIt?, so much so that my friends at the Festivus party will no longer play the game with me. However, as I’ve mentioned here numerous times, I am completely stupid about music. I know songs…..and I know artists…..but ask me what artist sings what song, and I have no idea. I have no confidence in my abilities to name three Hendrix songs if I was being tortured in a medieval dungeon of some kind. So my Secret Stiller basically wanted me to know what it was like to be dumb. That is the reason for the Festivus season, after all.

So, really, there was no reason I should have won three games in a row.

But that’s the thing about SceneIt? Sometimes you just need to be able to figure out word puzzles and stuff to win. And know how many cheerleaders there were in the Mickey, Mickey You’re So Fine video. That helps too.

posted by Jenn @ 12:39 PM  

Christmas, Posthumous
So I’m back from my obligatory week-o-organized-family-fun, the week that can be characterized as as The Terminal Stage of Cookie Inferno. When I arrived on December 23rd, we had 16 containers of cookies. After serving cookies for Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas dinner, a dinner party for 14 people on the 28th, my birthday party on the 29th, New Years Eve, and New Years Day, we somehow ended up with 16 containers of cookies. Since no unsolicited cookies entered the house (as per the Snickerdoodle Security Camera), the only logical conclusion is that our cookies, in between post-baking and pre-serving, became Siths. Because as we all know from the Star Wars prequels, when one Sith dies, another is born. Apparently the Siths gave up on that “always two there are...no more, no less” hubabaloo.

Entertaining gift #1
My friend Jenny and her hubby Marky got me Harry Potter Sceneit?. If you do not know, Sceneit? is a DVD-based board game with random trivia questions/word puzzles/etc. pertaining to movies, in this case Harry Potter. It’s really fun, and you don’t really need to know a lot about movies to play. Or at least, that’s what I heard. However, after I won 9 out of 10 games this week, no one will play it with me anymore. There’s only so much you can chock up to dumb luck.

Entertaining gift #2
Again from Jenny and Marky, this one for my birthday. It’s a great big martini glass with curse words written all over the glass, and on the bottom is a recipe for “a dirty martini.” My friend Jenny saw it and said, “That is a Jenn present.” I can’t fully explain how differently you look at yourself when your best friend states that you remind her of obscenities and olives.

posted by Jenn @ 12:12 PM