DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Happy Halloween everyone!
I am currently sitting here typing in a Willie Wonka costume (I look quite dashing by the way….I am the Johnny Depp version, not the Gene Wilder version. I simply couldn’t find that much velour on such short notice). My friend Amanda is my Oompa Loompa. Unfortunately, she is the Gene Wilder Oompa Loompa, mostly because she wanted to wear green hair and glittery eyebrows. Some of us have smaller pipe dreams than others.

Monsterfest…Craptastic Squared
You know, AMC used to be an awesome network for Halloween, because it would show all the Universal Monsters movies, and mix in some modern classics as well. Then a couple years ago, moved the Universal Monsters films to strange times of the day, like 6:00 a.m. and put some more modern crap on at night. Then, it eliminated all classic horror films and decided to put all the Halloween movies EXCEPT for the original Halloween film, so we had 16 hours of Halloween 29: Yes, Even We Can’t Believe We Made This Shit. This year, the Monsterfest theme appears to be Movies that have Really, Really Crappy Sequels. Exorcist III, Scream 2, Friday the 13th IV have been screening incessantly. I can hardly wait until next year’s line-up. It’s been entirely too long since I’ve seen C.H.U.D. II.

Oh but having fun….
My diet today has been Laffy Taffy and Nerds. I should be slipping into a carb coma any time now.

posted by Jenn @ 12:28 PM  

A NEW WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM, JUST FROM READING HEADLINES!

Tip #1: Fish is high in essential fatty acids
Fear Factor Ministry Eats Live Gold Fish

Tip #2: High fat pastries are not only bad for the heart, they also taste like shit
Cabbie sprinkles dried feces in baked goods

Tip #3: Killing your own meat is generally contraindicated
Man shoots cow, hits motorist

posted by Jenn @ 12:31 PM  

Let's all take a moment of silence...
The Voice of the Jolly Green Giant died

Computer 1, Jenn 0
Evidently my internet imploded on me, therefore I have been somewhat unable to blog. Which I'm ecstatic about because I have an excuse for not blogging other than slowly becoming a sloth.

Rain, rain go away
I’ve been trying for the last 14 days or so, to go do a dogsledding training run. As I’ve explained here before, dogsledders practice during the summer months by getting on a sled with wheels and have their dogs pull them at high speed through the woody brush. I believe this is also a popular suicide technique. Unfortunately, I have not been able to go because it’s been raining for 47 days straight in Boston (OK, maybe not. But my neighbors just purchased two paddleboats, which is a wise choice what with the price of gas and all.) So this weekend it’s finally….FINALLY not supposed to rain. I call up my friend who owns the dogsledding kennel in Northern New England and asked him if he’s scheduling any training runs this weekend.

“Nope, we cancelled all the training runs this weekend.”
“Huh? Wait….why?”
“Because it’s snowing.”

It’s a sad state of affairs when my tropical winter vacation this year is going to be a weekend in Buffalo.

posted by Jenn @ 6:50 AM  

Convict increases his prison term to 33 years in ode to Larry Bird
If I ever get convicted for murder, good thing I'm a Tom Brady fan.

posted by Jenn @ 1:27 PM  

The Colbert Report
I caught this a couple nights ago. I really love Stephen Colbert, but I had my doubts about him being able to keep my interest for 30 minutes a night, every night. Evidently, I didn’t have anything to worry about. The show is brilliant, and could have the horses to go for the long haul.

A funny note from my colleague
So one of my writing collegues is going on vacation and asked if I had something for her to read (because as we all know, people who work behind the scenes in the writing business do not really take vacations…they take time away from their office to catch up on all the crap they have to read). So I sent her the first 8 chapters of my book, which I consider "almost ready to be seen by people." I sent her an email this week, asking what she thought of it. She writes me back:

Let me know when the men in white coats come to collect you. I have bail money.

PS. Very Funny

Obviously, it’s all downhill from here.

posted by Jenn @ 12:02 PM  

Dount Relief
I went into Dunkin Donuts this morning, and saw they were selling those plastic bracelets for Hurricane Relief victims for $1.00. So I bought one. I always give to stuff like this (why not, after all, I’m not going to miss a buck). I decided to wear it around all morning. The problem? The bracelet is the two-toned hot pink/fluorescent orange Dunkin Donuts colors, so I fear that instead of showing my support for Hurricane victims, I am instead advertising my love for all things glazed stick. Not that that isn’t a worthy cause in its own right, but still…

You can all breathe a sigh of relief
Sly Stone returning in Rocky 6
Thankfully, this means that Deuce Bigalow: Galapagos Gigolo has a shot.

posted by Jenn @ 4:17 AM  

Professional development prospects
Exorcism School

White Sox in the Series
I believe I just heard friend Furry orgasm.

A date with my main character
For the last few weeks, my only activity after 6:00 has been working on my novel – an activity that became much easier after I resolved a major problem I was having with my main character. So the good news is the character development problem is fixed. The bad news is I have developed a character that I would in fact marry, given the opportunity. Being the professional as I am, I have a rule against becoming involving with co-workers (especially fictitious colleagues. You get all hooked up on them, and then they ride off in the sunset with blond princess...just like that wrought bastard in Sleeping Beauty. Sorry, it was an emotional crossroads for me.). So dating said character…if only from a practicality perspective…is out of the question. Instead, I’m going to I upload the first 15 chapters of my novel under “My Preferences” on eHarmony.com.

No, I’m not really on eHarmony.com
What’s that sound? Ah….my readers’ despondency.

posted by Jenn @ 5:21 AM  

Where the hell have you been?
Oh, um, sorry. I was in Buffalo. Evidently I am amiss in my blogging duties if I do not tell you when I am going on vacation, so that you can make proper non-dejennerate update coping mechansims and rob my house.

Oh yeah, and my vacation was swell…
You know, you can always tell when you’re getting on a plane going to Buffalo, because you’re guaranteed to see ¾ of the following:

• Someone in a Buffalo Bills Starters jacket frowning. I am not sure whether this is because the Bills are, well, the Bills or because Starter closed several years ago which ruined his/her fashion plan for the next 20 years.
• In the same vein, someone wearing a tee-shirt advertising a tee-shirt from a local Buffalo business that closed at least five years ago (Video Factory is no more, people. Update your tee-shirt collection.)
• A 30-something heavyset fellow explaining why this is the year the Sabres will win the Cup to an elderly man who is either not listening, doesn’t care, or is significantly tone-deaf.
• Moon boots.

Oh, I was supposed to be home Monday…
But all flights to Boston were cancelled because the radar in Boston was broken. This is mildly alarming as the radar tells the plane to land on the runway and not in Stop N Shop’s parking lot.

Burglar, scared by corpse, calls police

posted by Jenn @ 12:23 PM  

Hey! It’s Friday!
All right. No it’s not. It’s late Thursday afternoon. But, since I won’t be around tomorrow, and I know the great majority of my visitors pop in during their lunch hour, most of you won’t know the difference. Because, see, it’s Friday for you. For me? Not so much.

The Crimson Petal and the White
You may remember I was reading this book, which I have been calling 900 Pages of 18th Century Prostitution (though that’s inaccurate as it’s really 19th century. Anyhoo.). I’ve been reading it much slower than I normally read, as I’ve been taking it one or two chapters a sitting. All through the book I enjoyed the narration and the story enough, but it didn’t strike me as anything incredible. But when I got to the last chapter I realized that this book is one of the first times ever that I was actually sad the book was over. It’s not for everyone….you really need to have patience for description…but for the right reader, it’s really worth your time.

Apparently my Gaydar isn’t working properly…
Harry Potter = Gay

And to send you on your long weekend….
EXPLODING PYTHONS!

posted by Jenn @ 4:54 AM  

You know, there is more than one way one can interpret this headline
Man Who Married Elvis Dies


More Non-News
Martha Stewart Will Row Pumpkin Across the Lake
Stay tuned tomorrow for a special feature on Ray Liotta’s toejam removal.

And over at my “homepage away from homepage”…
As it is October, Classic Horror is running its Shocktober Classics, a daily highlight of a film which many of us gorehounds consider a classic. Check it out, especially if you’re looking for some suggestions for spooky rentals this month.

World Series Lament
So I’ve gradually gone from “RED SOX SERIES REPEAT!” to “GO WILD CARD!” to “Eh, perhaps the Yankees will blow it.” At this point, I’m just looking for a nice and relaxing World Series with minimal emotional involvement and psychotic nail-biting. Honestly, I would have no problem with a White Sox/Cardinals match. Or a Red Sox/Bad News Bears would be fine too.

The Mangosteen Files
Day two and I have potentially warded off a cold, feel slightly more energetic, and have no sign of a recurrence of Bile Days. Oh, and I’m shooting spider webs out of my wrists.

posted by Jenn @ 12:10 PM  

Preparing for dogsledding season
So yesterday I got in my application to join the overnight dogsledding race I’m planning on doing in February. As soon as I saw it, the following statements rushed into my head:

“Yipee! Dogsledding starts soon!”
“Shit….this means I have to weightlift, doesn’t it?”

Not that I haven’t been weightlifting all along, because I have. But during the non-dogsledding months my weight lifting routine turns from “vigorous effort, every other day” to “maybe I’ll do some bicep reps while Jeopardy’s on.” Throughout the bulk of the year, I keep my muscles in a state of pseudo-fitness, meaning that my biceps are covered by a layer of fat, but I can still open pickle jars without first smacking the lid repeatedly with a blunt object. Yet as soon as the first whiff of cold air hits, out comes the biker shorts and the Superman shirt, and I head to the gym. (Yes, I really have a Superman shirt and biker shorts, and I wear them together in public. I’m sure What Not to Wear has me on radar by now.)

I’m not sure why this phenomenon happens – perhaps partaking in an activity that entails cascading 65-miles per hour toward a jagged rock formation gives one extra incentive to be in shape. And dogsledding surprisingly does require a bit of fitness despite the fact that it simply looks like a gaggle of dogs dragging one’s ass around on a sled. The thing is, unless one is not opposed to running one’s sled into the above-mentioned jagged rock formation, one has to learn how to steer the sled. And steering a large, wooden sled carrying your body weight on runners that are designed to move in no other direction than forward takes a bit more strength than opening a pickle jar. Hence the reason for the Superman tee-shirt/biker short gym combo.

The Mangosteen Files
As a bit of an unexpected surprise, I was given a bottle of mangosteen juice yesterday. For those of you not aware, the mangosteen is a fruit from Southeast Asia that presumably has high levels of phytochemicals and other antioxidants. Some people believe that by eating mangosteen everyday, you will boost your immune system, be able to leap tall buildings with a single bound, and turn into a hologram shape-changer with super strength and X-ray vision. Or something. Mind you there has been nowhere near any amount of conclusive research to the above claims (mostly because shape-changers are very, very hard to keep captive in an animal unit for experimentation). But, I like fruit juice. I tried it yesterday.....it's quite good, got a little bit of a bite to it. The downside? No sign of superhero properties yet. No super strength. No flying abilities. I can't even unlock the doors of my car with my giant magnetic hands yet. I will keep you updated on my progress.

posted by Jenn @ 4:43 AM  

Nipsey Russell dies
I would be far more upset if I didn’t already think he was dead.

Evidently, this is considered news now
Pope’s Dentist Appointment

Mayor Offended by greeting card
The most amusing thing about this article? Topeka has a Visitor’s Bureau.

The Novel
So, I mentioned my novel last week somewhere between bile spewing and vibrating watches. I was having a problem with my main character. You know how you sometimes know exactly what you want but you have no idea how to get it? That’s exactly what happened with my main character. Finally I did the ultimate writer’s cheat – I pictured Johnny Depp playing him in the movie version (this is not as helpful as one would think as Johnny Depp could play a speed bump with grace). And I added another character which solved a big personality problem I was having with my main character. So basically all I’m saying….it’s all good now and I no longer have any desires to throw my computer out my bay window.

Um…that’s it?
OK, give me a break….I felt way too guilty to post just headlines. You got to picture Johnny Depp playing a speed bump, didn’t you? Was that something you can come up with on your own? I didn’t think so. Ungrateful bastards.

posted by Jenn @ 12:38 PM  

Well, that didn't work
I attempted to go a full week of blogging last week -- a feat I would have accomplished if my tooth wasn't too busy trying to escape from my cranium. For future reference, any time I start off a blog talking about some physical pain I'm currently enduring, it's safe to assume it's going to be a slow blogging week.

But I'm better and all...
But not before renting some high-quality television from Netflix. By this I mean:

The Muppet Show Season 1: I really forgot how flipping weird this show was. A variety show with puppets in the 70's during primetime? I'm really glad they went through with it and all, but really....what the fuck were the television executives thinking?

The Job: This is Denis Leary's show that came before the very clever Rescue Me. It proved to be very, very funny and yet another television show that got axed way too quickly. It's a parody of police dramas which pokes fun at the cliche cop-show characters (you know, the sharp-tongued "banging three girls at once" cop, the fat and stupid cop, the chick cop, the new cop everyone dumps on, yadda yadda yadda). Worth your time. Check it out.

Weird Thing My Body is Doing #475
My hair is growing lighter...but only on one side of the head. This leads me to believe that while I was in a sleeping stupor from the pain medications, my head was engaging in photosynthesis and leaning involuntarily toward my the sun coming through the bedroom window.

posted by Jenn @ 12:43 PM