DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Oh, um, it’s not bile.
According to my dentist I have some sort of low-grade infection in a tooth needing a replacement filling. I still think my mouth has taken it upon itself to produce undead ectoplasm.

Law and Order: SVU
You know how when you’re watching remakes of the original Law and Order, you can pinpoint EXACTLY where the plot twists will be? Like you catch yourself thinking, “In 3.7 minutes the cops will learn that the suspect they have is not the killer, and then they are going to go off and capture the real suspect. That will go on for, oh, 18 minutes until the defense reveals something in court that will ultimately clear the suspect of charges, and Jack McCoy has to scramble for the remainder of the show trying to find that ‘smoking gun.’ “ Last night, I realized that Law and Order: SVU, while it has its moments of doing exactly that, still has the capability to surprise me most of the time. Usually it’s a “He raped him with what???? Ewwwwwwww!” moment, but it’s a moment nonetheless.

In case you were wondering, Chris Meloni still has a sweet ass. Updates as warranted.

As per Gene
As I am a daily reader of Gene’s blog, apparently it is mandatory for me to rent Deadwood: Season 1 from Netflix. In fact it was recommended by both Friend Gene and Friend Sara, which concerns me as these two people couldn’t possibly be more different. Sara is a perky, bubbly, 20-something who likes romantic comedies and the WB network. Gene dreams of killing his cats. So, either Deadwood is so good that it appeals to vastly different people, or it appeals only to these two very different groups and halfway through I’m going to wonder why the hell I didn’t rent The Muppets Show: Season 1 instead.

And some sad news
My icky mouth infection means I have to cancel my date at The Comedy Studio today. Apparently not everyone finds spewing green puss into front-row audience members' scorpion bowls funny.

posted by Jenn @ 3:24 PM  

March of the Penguins 2 : Saving Private Penguin
Penguins mate in minefield

Ouchies
Since it's been entirely too long since I've have a dental issue, my mouth has taken up producing bile. OK, maybe not bile, but it is green, oozy, and can break down complex carbohydrates like THAT. And it smells a bit like pea soup. So, damnit, until I know for sure what the hell it is, it's bile. And if it doesn't go away soon I'm planning on draining it into viles and leave it out in front of the blood bank. Far be it for me to withhold extra bile, what with people needing liver transplants and all.

Watches that Vibrate
Apparently for people who have trouble seeing, for comics who don't want to keep looking at their watch to see how much time they have left, and people who want to take handjobs to a new level.

posted by Jenn @ 12:17 PM  

Wow
Looking back, I just realized I haven’t done a full week of blogs in a long damn time. So, I will attempt to do so this week.

An interesting activity
A nod to Phoenix Jenn for this. Go to Google. Type in “failure” and hit “I’m feeling lucky.” Then snicker loudly in your cubicle.

Reindeer attack elderly couple in Finland
Proving yet again that Santa is pretty firm on the 1 to 92 age limit.

This just in….Polish jokes? Still accurate
Polish toddler runs over family with car

Puppy swallows 13-inch knife, lives
Raise your hand if you thought I was going to say something about swallowing 13-inches.

posted by Jenn @ 1:06 PM  

New show worth a mention
Check out Starved on FX Monday nights at 11:00 p.m. It’s a very, very twisted new comedy about eating disorders. And since there has been little to no promotion for said show, it will probably be killed very shortly. Which would be a shame because it is quite brilliant.

Important announcement
Oh, this is big…..better than big…..HUMONGOUS, in fact!

Are you ready for this??????

Are you sure????

OK….here I go……

I think….or at least I’m 90% sure….that I worked out a major character development problem I’ve been having with my main character in the novel I’m writing!!!!!

Why the hell are you looking at me like that?

Bush pledged to keep a close eye on Rita
Perhaps someone told him the twirling whiteness on the screen was Rita Hayworth.

Cause, um….Rita Hayworth was a dancer.

Fine….the joke sucked. Moving on.

A Rita Hayworth fun fact…
Rita Hayworth’s real name is Margarita, and she is supposedly the namesake for the Margarita cocktail. Which would probably make her more of an interest to Bush…

I didn’t make that joke any better by saying that, did I?

Plan for this weekend…..walking.
Tomorrow, I’m going to one of those marathon walk events (just in case you were thinking my social life has gotten so boring that I now get excited about biped locomotion). I'm doing this walk to promote a healthy lifestyle. The walk is 16 miles. I think it’s going to promote shinsplints.

posted by Jenn @ 1:07 PM  

Catching up on new TV
I watched the season premiere of Law and Order: SVU. It was pretty much on par with all their other episodes, except for the fact that they apparently learned that subtlety is generally far more effective than over-the-top (god know what the hell took them so long as pretty much the entire cast of SVU were from the master-of-the-subtle-creepiness, Oz). Hopefully, this acquired knowledge is put to good use.

Stay tuned tonight for a bunch of shows I don’t watch.
Lost, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, America’s Next Top Model, and that new show E-ring is on. Therefore, this evening, I’ll be defrosting my freezer.

Though I may tune into Martha Stewart’s Apprentice in much the same fashion as I would extend my head out the window at a passing collision involving a circus train and a clown car. And it would give me something to blog about tomorrow since (which I’m sure is painfully obvious) I don’t have many topics this week.

But, I will leave you on this "What the fuck?" moment…
Static electricity causes building fire

posted by Jenn @ 2:39 PM  

Weekend of TV Catch-up
So, I don’t watch a whole lot of TV as I generally deem all shows I have access to as complete crap (I do not have HBO. That should explain things.) So I’ve been catching up on Shit I Should Have Seen Already. Namely, the following:

Rescue Me: Now I have been watching this all along but I do miss shows here and there because I often have shows on the night it airs. Or I am home and just forget (scenario 2 is currently more likley). So I watched all of Season 1 this week. Excellent show it is – has a wonderfully realistic supernatural aspect to it – and you really should be watching it.

Oz: Now I did see a lot of Oz because it started in 1997 when I was still living with Mommy and Daddy (Mommy and Daddy have HBO). But, again, as I am a douchebag who can not remember when crap airs, I missed some episodes. The thing about Oz is that it is a great show, but it’s a bit…er….uncomfortable for me to watch, which I’m sure had at least partially to do with the inmates and their relationship with poop. I’m not a feces girl, really. Gore, bloody detached appendages, disemboweled spleens...all cool. But poop? Not so much. I’m sure this news is disheartening to the brown shower, corn dog, rusty trombone, plate job, dirty sanchez, brown necktie contingent of my day-to-day readers, but I’ve always felt honesty is the best policy when it comes to things like proclivities toward activities involving anal secretions.

And crap I have no business watching.
I don’t know why, but I keep finding myself watching The Girls Next Door -- that show about Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. I know….I felt my brain seeping out my ear canals watching it, too. I think I watch it just to be continuously stunned that these girls appear to be quite intelligent. That’s a sure sign of the decline of humanity when one starts rubbernecking simply at glimpses of brain activity.

Other crap I had no business watching.
The Patriots and the Red Sox games this weekend. I’m sure Gene will have some sort of rant about it today, therefore I will not expend any of my creativity on it. That and I, uh, just ran out of creativity.

posted by Jenn @ 12:18 PM  

Hurricane coming close to my house
Well….shit. I got nothing on that. I didn’t think when I moved to Boston I’d have to write HURRICANE material too. That was more improbable than coming here and writing, well, World Series material, I guess. Besides, we’re still dealing with the aftermath of Katrina, so I’m certainly not going to come off like the bad, insensitive guy on my own damn site now, am I? Shit, I get enough hostility outside the privacy of my own homepage. So, instead of expecting me to come up with something edgy, how about visiting Gene’s How to Survive a Hurricane. There. Now you can go hate him now.

Wow...that was my most pathetic excuse EVER for "I don't have shit on tap today." A day for the books, this one was.

Cool site for movie fans
Wild About Movies
Lots of giveaways (I won a Fever Pitch DVD this week), and lots of tickets free advanced screenings, especially for us Bostonites. Check it out.

Have a good weekend, all
I am planning on doing the same, if I'm not chasing my home down the street or anything.

posted by Jenn @ 12:29 PM  

I’m fucking jogging now?????
As previously mentioned, my body has decided to undertake in odd behaviors without my approval, such as losing weight and making my ankles swell for no reason. So while I was out on my morning cardiovascular walk, I actually had this strange notion to start JOGGING. Now those of you who know me, jogging and I have a bit of an oil and water relationship, a bit like Franciscan nuns and The Mile High Club. So I actually did start jogging and went a fair bit of distance before I stopped. And when I stopped, I discovered my heart rate was still within my “target exercising heart rate zone,” even though I assumed it would be in my “pulmonary tsunami zone.” So I can only conclude –since my body is gradually chipping away at everything I formerly knew about reality in attempts to drive me to the mental equivalent of a Stage 5 nuclear meltdown – the latest skin tab that has been growing on my neck is going to eventually grow into a second head. I’ve always wanted to run away and join the circus, anyway.

Furry and Amy, I’m moving to Croatia
Sheep star in Reality Show

posted by Jenn @ 12:22 PM  

Massive destruction, Tens of thousands of people homeless, children missing, pets abandoned….but, hey, we got titties!
Strip club in New Orleans wants to get back into business

Foiled again by the Duke of Earle
I put on my Ghostbusters shirt to go to the Backside comedy show last night. It’s a simple black shirt with the Ghostbusters logo….no more, no less. And one would assume when one wears a shirt like this that he or she will secure the title of Coolest Tee-Shirt of the Night. And I did, until fucking Kris Earle showed up. Because he…apparently a fan of Hostess cakes…showed up in a simple white tee shirt bearing a picture of cream-filled chocolate pastries and the words “Ding Dongs.” And anything with Dongs trumps anything else, really. Evidently I should have gone for broke with the Buffalo Bills Zubaz and koosh ball earrings.

posted by Jenn @ 11:54 AM  

Chocolaty goodness
So a lady on my floor baked two kinds of brownies today. I’m not really a brownie person, or a chocolate person for that matter, especially if it means I have to make them (I swear, if the only way I could get baked goods is if I had to bake them, I’d be in a diabetic coma. Not that I have diabetes, mind you). Needless to say, I have been woefully unproductive as I've been in and out all morning embarking on drive-by brownie runs.

Which brings me to my fitness plan
Aside from the cardiovascular benefits I get from walking over to The Brownie Emporium every 30 minutes or so, I actually have gotten back in the groove of exercising. And through the past couple months or so, I’ve learned quite a bit about my exercising self.

• The only time of day my body is amendable to the concept of exercise is in the morning. The day should automatically be logged as an “OFF DAY” anytime the alarm clock rings and I hear myself saying, “Eh, I’ll exercise this evening."
• If one exercises is the morning and one lives in an apartment complex, one should choose exercise that will not disturb the sleep of those below you. It’s quite difficult to do Tae Bo “gingerly.”
• My biceps have decided all by themselves that they will contain all the muscle mass for my entire body. By the end of the week, I expect to be able to move my car to the other side of the street simply by picking it up and setting it down.
• My legs, however, despite endless uphill walking have decided that they are rather content being the same chemical consistency of Jello Jigglers.
• A new revelation: evidently there are some sort of muscles in armpits. And they really fucking hurt after 3 reps of pectorial exercises.

Dispatches from Jenn’s Netflix Queue
Panic Room – Yeah, I don’t know why I rented this either. Basically Jodie Foster ends up moving into a house that has a built-in panic room. It was watchable, but I hate too much “convenience” in any fiction. The night Jodie Foster moves in JUST HAPPENS to be the day a gang of robbers decide to attack her house and she JUST HAPPENS to be able to hide in her panic room. That is the ultimate writer’s shortcut, you know…get around creativity by taking one premise and building a “coincidental” plot around it. Instead of coming up with a reason for Jodie Foster to have built the panic room (a stalker, etc), and set up an emotional history between said stalker and her (instead it just being a group of thugs who don’t know her from Adam), they just chocked the whole thing up to a “coincidence.” People who write stuff like this are the same people who write movies about a herd of werewolves attacking a metropolitan city and blame it all on “planetary alignment.”

And this is my 300th blog.
Yeah, I thought it would be more exciting too.

posted by Jenn @ 12:18 PM  

Random day
It’s been brought to my attention by certain readers who spend their workdays reading blogs that I have become rather lackadaisical in my blogging duties. Which is true because:

a) I am busy writing stuff that has a much better chance of making me famous
b) my blogging time has since been taken up by reading The Crimson Petal in the White, a book which I’ve referred to in the past as 900 Pages of 18th Century Prostitution. I promise I’ll get back up-to-date soon, most likely when the creative side of my brain spontaneously combusts.

So, for now, here are some random thoughts I’ve had in the past week.

For some reason no one in Massachusetts or Rhode Island who drives on I-95 replaces their brake lights. This is a phenomenon I noticed a couple months ago, and now at least 3 times a week I get behind some fuckwit who is missing at least one brake light. Oh, and when the two side lights are out and they just have the one on top of the backseat? That’s especially enjoyable. Especially when the sun is scalding one’s retinas.

There are entirely too many television shows I want to watch but won’t because they are sequential and I can not make the weekly commitment. This is mostly because I am quite the television idiot and often forget what day it is until after the show has aired.

I have never disliked tennis until last week when the US Open has been interrupting my daily Law and Order SVU.

The only reason I watch SVU, by the way? Richard Belzer. Oh, and Chris Meloni is hot. To paraphrase Friend Kelly, he qualifies as someone to be licked like a lollipop.

I have voiced my dismay over Law and Order: Criminal Intent many times. This discontent may not be accurate anymore as Chris Noth is rejoining (see previous lollipop comment). I am very fickle, apparently.

In a quest to become more fashionable, I bought two pairs of designer pants…..same style, same color, same size. One fits perfectly and one is tight in the thighs. I have since given up on fashion and will be wearing golashes and mu mus from now on.

Thank god football is starting. Now I can wear my Zubaz again (this also coincides with Total Disregard of Fashion from previous statement).

Yes, I really still have a pair of Zubaz. They are Bills Zubaz in case you were wondering.

This is my favorite death of the year.

Ghosts 1, Realtors 0

Maybe I’ll have a realish post tomorrow. Or just more crap that’s on my mind.

posted by Jenn @ 1:26 PM  

And, we’re back
From North Conway, where my mother and I embarked on a shopping expedition for Crap We Did Not Need but Bought Because it Was a Bargain. Evidently, 50% of North Conway’s revenue comes from the outlet shopping. The rest comes from crap made with blueberries.

Entertaining purchase
My mother….just to solidify the fact that we exclusively bought crap we did NOT need….bought a votive candle warmer. Evidently it is this big crockpot type thing that you plug into the wall and it heats up this giant votive to release the scent from the candle without actually lighting the wick. Just in case Bush calls a national shortage of fire or something.

Entertaining purchase No. 2.
Mom also purchased a black bear nativity scene. This was a learning experience for me as I learned the King of the Jews was actually Smokey the Bear.

Wes Craven does it again
And this is not a good thing. Dad, Mom, and I saw Red Eye. The DVD scene selection for the whole last half of the movie should just be called “Michael Meyers Unmasked.” It was pulled right from Halloween, which made the ending a tad predictable.

posted by Jenn @ 2:26 PM