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Dispatches from Jenn’s Netflix Queue
A Dirty Shame – Now I am quite embarrassed to admit, given that I am a hopelessly devoted John Waters fan, that I did not see this in the theater. But it came out when I was really busy and was only up in the theaters for a couple weeks (as it’s the first of his recent films that is NC-17.) So, I saw it last night.

OMIGOD. Mother fucking hilarious.

In fact….and I didn’t even think this about my personal fave Serial Mom…it may be his best film. Yes, really. It is very reminiscent of his older “trash” films that made him famous, but it still keeps the edgier/smarter humor he’s adapted recently. And there is a watermelon-boob stripper who is put under house arrest for three counts of indecent exposure. With an ankle bracelet, mind you. That really sealed the deal for me. Check it out. It’s so rare to see something this completely filthy and trashy but so goddamn smart.

Writing – yes, that ol’ bitch
So the writing career has been a little crazy recently and completely self-induced I might add. Because as you may remember, I’ve taken on some big writing projects. And the bulk of them are going quite well. The script that I am collaborating with She Who Hath a Ninja Ancestor is going remarkably smooth despite the fact that the plot is quite complicated which lends itself to plot holes. And there are multiple characters which can result in unresolved character arcs. And there is a potential of a small Ukrainian woman possessing at least one of us (apparently she has already spread herself to Andrea’s blog….wait, I’m sorry….Custom2 Page). But you know, aside from that….smooth sailing, baby.

So my latest dilema? I now have a fantasy novel in my head, which of course is a direct result of reading The Chronicles of Narnia again. Or possibly from watching watermelon-boobed women in A Dirty Shame (that surely qualifies as the definitive fantasy genre experience for someone, I’m thinking). The problem is that I have tried writing fantasy before which resulted in a manuscript that could currently be used to persuade captured members of the Taliban to speak. So, it’s not my strong point so to speak.

“But,” my mind says, “It will be funny, unlike that last so-called attempt.”

This does not particularly sweeten the deal. Because if you haven’t noticed by the shitstorm of willy-nilly wordsmithing this blog has become in the last week or so, I’m experiencing a bit of writer’s block in that area. Let’s face it, zombie Tupperware sex toy parties do not come from a writer who has all her humorous ducks in a row.

And of course this concept comes just as I just had a major surge of creativity in my humor/historical novel that is based in King Arthur’s time. And currently I like that book better. My issue? I think the other concept is better. At very least it is more sellable. Because even if I pass over the fact that the concept behind it is more original than the King Arthur story, I can’t escape the fact that Novel In my Head probably could actually be put into a definitive genre whereas the King Arthur novel can not. And nowadays, genre books sell much easier than ambiguous genre books.

So how am I handling this quagmire? Like any writer worth his/her weight would... pelting Nate with Hammer film reviews for Classic Horror. Hopefully my right brain and left brain can figure this out all on their own and leave me out of it.

posted by Jenn @ 12:30 PM  

Falafel defined: ground chick peas mixed with curry and other spices, flattened into patties and fried in vegetable oil on the grill.

Lessons learned when making Falafel

• It is generally not the wisest idea to try a new recipe for dinner in which the main ingredient is chick peas when you a) haven't eaten since sometime the day before b) really, really love raw chick peas. This is how Pattie O' Falafel becomes Pattie O' Oil and Random Spices.
• It is not particularly wise to use a food processor which has a broken lid. Raw falafel evidently sticks to Stucko ceilings.
• Cooked falafel, however, doesn't stick to anything, including the pita you want to put it on.
• Falafel is not the least bit shy of jumping into your cleavage.
• By the way, said falafel boob facial evidently lasts for 24 hours, or whenever you pick the last chick pea skin out of the sports bra.
• Boyfriend assumes odd things when you have skinned chick peas in your sports bra, mostly related to female-on-female wrestling.

posted by Jenn @ 12:21 PM  

Yeah, I still don't have anything
I took a whole weekend off from you people, and I still don't have anything to tell you. The only thing of note that happened to me is I did my set at The Tribe comedy show on Friday when I really, really had to pee. But no one wants to hear about THAT....well except for people who are urinary incontinent or perhaps golden shower fans. Oh and the fans of The Green Mile, which should have been called The Yellow Brick Road because they showed piss every 6-8 minutes or so.

So aside from that I spent my weekend watching old Hammer films to review for Classic Horror and I know everyone here can do without yet another post raving about Peter Cushing swinging from a chandelier (show of hands....does anyone here besides the horror freaks even know who Peter Cushing is? And if you do, did you just say, "Oh yeah....he's that guy who got blown up in the Death Star in Star Wars?").

So, maybe I'll have something later. Or not. We'll see.

You might find your head sticking out of your engine, but god damnit we won't let it be put there by a felon
Ending speed limits in high-crime areas to decrease attacks on slow-moving cars

posted by Jenn @ 12:36 PM  

Evidently the big white space problem was only fixed one way.....
Choose a new template to confuse and befuddle all my readers. So, yes, you are really in the right place, and for that...I am sorry.

posted by Jenn @ 3:00 PM  

What's the hell is up with the big space?
I don't know. Blogger decided my blog needed more white space.

posted by Jenn @ 2:06 PM  

Blog d' Vacuous
I'm freely admitting it. I don’t have a whole hell of a lot to communicate to all of you people. Just in case you couldn't tell by my blogging habits lately. Page-long horror movie reviews? Links to two-faced kittens? Not to mention frequently impaling my mail man on Netflix delivery day. My life has been fairly boring recently, which is why my main gripe today will be about purchasing movies for people who are not as into movies as I am. Sorry for your disappointment, but that’s all I got. Maybe with any luck I’ll get brutally mauled by a large furry mammal on the way to my show tonight so you actually have something worth reading waiting for you when you brush the Sandman’s droppings out of your eyes tomorrow. Until then? Here’s this crap.

My friend Kathy’s birthday is today (can we all say “Happy Birthday, Kathy!”??? There we go. She appreciates it). So for her birthday, I decided to get her some DVDs because she has owned a DVD player for over a year and has only three DVDs, which is clearly against the code of conduct for DVD Ownership. And that means that any day the DVD Police would haul her into the DVD Police Headquarters and force her to watch selections from Carrot Top's filmography while impregnating her with whatever happens to be in the 2 for $11 DVD bin at Wal-Mart. And, I can’t allow shit like that to happen.

And clearly, you would think I would have an easy job as I know the names of the three DVDs she owns. So basically anything else is all good. But the problem is Kathy is somewhat of a casual film fan who is very fanatically ambiguous. Where as I, being a true diehard film fan, deal almost exclusively absolutes, i.e. “OMIGOD! THAT WAS AWESOME! I’m going buy that movie and love it, and snuggle it, and feed it…” or “I’m going to buy every copy of that movie and feed them to my compost pile so it doesn’t burn anyone else’s retinas. Clearly, I am preserving the sanity of my fellow man”, Kathy is like most people who enjoys movies but doesn’t ever buy them simply because 99.9% of them are not worthy of the $20 expenditure of ownership. And this is a thought process my cerebral neurons simply do not compute. Hence lies the ultimate conundrum. In reality, she would probably be happy with most anything I would have picked out, but I can not make a decision as I can not get passed my movie-purchasing thought process of “if I would have really wanted that movie, I would have bought it already.”

To be fair, I wasn't completely flying by the seat of my pants, as that would be rather uncomfortable since Lane Bryant does not yet make jeans that randomly sprout aerial locomotion devices from the buttocks region. I already knew I was going to purchase European Vacation for her as Kathy is terminally navigation-impaired and the phrase “Big Ben! Parliament!” is a common phrase in her day-to-day vocabulary. But as that was only a $10 DVD, I had to purchase another to make a suitable birthday present. So my first stop for such things is Wal-Mart, as that is home to the Holy Grail of DVD collectors - the ever coveted $9 - $13.72 DVD racks. So I was planning on making a couple selections from here in efforts to double her DVD collection with the speed and efficiency of a your average Tribble Fertility Clinic. But the thing is, Wal-Mart….which offers great movies for people like me who already own the “basics” of a good DVD collection (the Citizen Kanes of cinema, whatever those happen to be)...has a lot of crap that the average DVD start-up consumer would have no desire owning. Not that they are bad choices, per se.....just odd. I mean, regardless of the $7.50 price tag, who the hell gives The Never Ending Story II as a birthday gift?

So my next place was Best Buy, which is the place I go when I want to stare in awe and disgust at all the weird crap they are releasing as collections. Quite frankly, I would really have to reconsider the strength of a friendship if I walked into a companion’s house and landed my eyes on The New Munsters Season 2. Not to mention, I can’t imagine the studios decided all on their own that Halloween 5 was somehow worthy of a $40 tin-box collector’s set. That kind of crap only happens after fan demand. And that scares the shit out of me. Also, Best Buy again has kind of an odd mix of movies that is really-REALLY-mainstream-but-oh-shucks-we're-trying-to-be-edgy. You want to get Mulholland Drive? You’ll have to special order that. But Death to Smoochy? Well, we have 10 cases in house.

So I ended up getting her the first Harry Potter movie, as I know she doesn’t own it on VHS and she has more-than-a-passing-interest in all things underage and wizardry (yes and I mean AND and not OR. She's not a Jacko relative, people). And she was most happy to receive them, and in fact imparted that she watched them already. So once again, harmony was restored in my DVD galaxy.

Not that it wouldn't have been funny to go with Grease 2 and Monkey Bone.

posted by Jenn @ 12:00 PM  

Dispatches from Jenn’s Netflix Queue

Sideways – Uuuuuh…OK. See, this is the thing. Friend Gene, while it pains me to admit, was completely right on this. This IS a good movie that due to excessive hype is being dubbed as a great one. And I can see how some people would be disappointed after hearing reviews for this movie that somehow indicate it is the cinematic equivalent to the second coming of Christ. I mean, it is good, and it is worthy of a view. But Citizen Kane it’s not. Funny? Yes. Cute little plot? Check. Worthy of all those damn Oscar nominations? Not even damn close. But this year has been somewhat shit for movies, so maybe it was the best we got.

Boogeyman – Well, shit. Now I feel bad for lambasting White Noise as hard as I did.

OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD

Now, as we know, based on the rules governing Jenn’s Movies She Does Not Have the Strength to Avoid No Matter How Bad They May Seem, this falls under the second rule, “movies in which a ghost/demon/unidentified supernatural spectre is scaring the crap out of stupid people.” I also should note, as someone who is a diehard fan of the horror genre, I completely expect that 90% of all modern horror movies are completely hack, but I still can enjoy them because I find the standard horror movie tricks, mood music, and predictable plot twists appealing, regardless how overdone they are. So while I bitch about the Hollywood Horror Formula quite a bit, it really takes a whole hell of lot for me to totally deem a horror movie to Utter Shitdom.

OH

MY

FUCKING

GOD.

This is the largest lump of zombie excrement I have ever seen in my life.

Worse than Jason X
Worse than anything in the Leprechaun series
Worse than Blacula
Worse than Aerobicide
Worse than the concept that The Amityville Horror, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Psycho need to be remade.
Worse than that shitty The Village movie that was the bane of my horror fan existence for 3 months after viewing.
And perhaps the most damning….worse than that remake of Casablanca they were planning with Ben Affleck and J-Lo (you’re going to tell me that doesn’t qualify as a horror movie?)

And this is why you have to see it. Just to see how bad things can really get. Because, oh how funny it is. Here’s a couple things the writers of Boogeyman expect you to buy:

· The Boogeyman really exists, in your closet apparently, and even though he habitually sucks random parents and a shitload of town kids into the closet, no one in the town really finds this all that strange.
· If you have so far been able to resist the Boogeyman, for some undetermined reason it will just start sucking random people you know into their closets. Or perhaps under the bed, even though it thus far has only come out of the closet. Or perhaps down the bathtub drain, even though that is presumably a completely different room entirely.
· The above rule apparently only applies if you are an adult actively looking for said Boogeyman at this particular moment in time, as you can apparently go through your whole childhood and most of young adulthood resisting the Boogeyman without it attacking any of your loved ones as long as they stay away from your particular closet.
· If you board up all the closets in the house except for one, the Boogeyman can only come out of that closet. Evidently, the under the bed and bathtub drain portals are only open during bank hours.
· It is perfectly logical to go into your closet door in your bedroom and come out of a broom closet in the girl-you-want-to-fuck’s house. No explanation for said teleporting phenomena is needed.
· It is perfectly logical for random 8 year old girls to be strolling through the woods past midnight.
· And my personal favorite, the Boogeyman…who has been sucking children into the closet presumably for hundreds of years, mind you…can be completely destroyed by strapping yourself to a chair in front of the closet and counting to five.

And really, I’m not even going into how stale the horror tactics were. This is the most laughable attempt at a fright feature EVER…..and yes, I’m saying EVER. It just can not get worse. And I’ve seen Eight Legged Freaks, people. I know what I’m talking about. If you have Netflix or any other “flat fee” rental service, rent it just to see how low we can apparently go….but for the love of Christ don’t actually pay money for it. A milestone in cinematic crap for sure.

posted by Jenn @ 1:00 PM  

Well, I found this amusing
Store Wars!

Land of the Dead
You know, maybe I’m not a zombie person. I mean I like their ooziness and their squishiness, and the whole eating brains thing makes them an uproarious addition to any Tupperware sex toy party...but movies about them? Eh, I can pass.

And of course Tupperware makes sex toys. What, you think that burping vacuum technology is only utilized for convenient storage emergencies? Hell no! It is used to make sucking vaginas and pulsating bumholes. Just ask your representatives for the catalog featuring the summer line of burping asshats.

Yes, I’m kidding. Because I know some dumb fuck would email me with a “Is that really true?”

So Romero is back to top his previous masterpieces of Night of the Living Dead, Day of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Breakfast Tea and Scone Party of the Dead, Tuperware Sex Toy Party of the Dead….you get the gist. And despite the fact that I may very well be banned from Classic Horror forever for my insolence, I think I’ll pass on this one. Unless of course the zombies are going to have a Mary Kay/Golden Shower party. Because then, hell, that’s worth seeing.

And this week’s version of Dumbasses on Parade
Pizza store Robber Leaves Job Application

And just in time for Greek Halloween, Andrea
Pot Candy

posted by Jenn @ 1:08 PM  

Batman Begins
All right. I cheated on this one a bit because I read the script prior to seeing it. So I already had some sort of idea that it was going to be good. And it was. Actually, I dare say the best one so far, and I was a pretty large fan of the first Michael Keaton Batman (I know it didn't follow the comic book at all....but I was in 8th grade at the time, and did not care). And Liam Neeson kicked ass....which is very redundant as he kicks ass in virtually everything he's in, but he literally kicked ass. Not only did we give him a sword, we actually let him use it....unlike Episode 1: The Phantom Script where Liam Neeson's character could have been named Fucker in a Poncho Meandering with a Light Saber.

Playing Where's Waldo with my PJ Soles interview
So my interview with PJ Soles is up on Classic Horror. Where? I have no idea. Because Nate apparently let Igor edit the website last night and therefore, the link to the PJ Soles interview on the home page goes to the Caligari Awards Page. And, if you go the the PJ Soles link on the articles page, it sends you to the Jeremy Kasten's interview. I'm somewhat hesitant to click on my brand new Carrie review. Evidently, I'd get sent to Narnia.

So you really don't know where it is?
Oh I do. But you're just going to have to do what I did and read the Jeremy Kasten's interview and Caligari Awards until you diagnose yourself with age-related dementia.

But.....but.....WE NEED OUR 80s FIX!
Oh fine....here you go. Crybabies.

posted by Jenn @ 12:27 PM  

For you bubble wrap fans
Virtual bubble wrap popping

Two-faced kitty is born
Does anyone else think it looks like the talking plant from Little Shop of Horrors?

NEW DVD RELEASES! Um, in December
This is clearly one of the most pointless articles I have ever seen in my life. I mean, I love DVDs as much as the next person, but honestly? Who cares what the hot DVDs for Christmas are going to be when we just passed Flag Day?

FYI
Flag Day was Tuesday. I celebrated by not mistaking a flag as a bath towel.

And then there's this cutting piece of news...
Americans prefer watching movies at home

Many of this year's most anticipated films "Kingdom of Heaven," "Be Cool," "Cinderella Man" have fizzled.

Well, there's the problem right there.

What, just links today?
Yeah....sorry about that. It's Friday and I don't want to work either.

posted by Jenn @ 1:15 PM  

Dicks on Display!
The Iceland Phallus Museum

Funniest Line from Rock N' Roll High School
School Prinicipal: Does your parents know you are Ramones?

Yeah, I watched it last night. Just to remind myself how funny teen comedies used to be.

Dispatches from Jenn's Netflix Queue
Lemony Snicket's, A Series of Unfortunate Events: I have read a couple of these books as I am in touch with my inner child (unfortunately, though that last phrase is a wonderful lead-in, I have already reached my quota of inappropriate Michael Jackson comments this week. Sorry for the inconvenience). Anyway, when I saw the previews for this, I thought it would be a damn trainwreck. Actually? It was pretty damn entertaining in a dark, tongue-in-cheek sort of way. It looked and flowed very much like a Tim Burton movie. And Jim Carrey, who has been annoying the piss out of me lately, didn't do so too badly. And, really, a baby whose main "skill" is that she can bite through tin cans? That's all I need, really.

posted by Jenn @ 12:24 PM  

And it looks more real than the crappy CGI in the prequels!
Star Wars...in ASCII

posted by Jenn @ 1:50 PM  

Monsoon Season
Evidently, I am living in Guam. You know the expression, "it's pissing rain?" Well, it shit rain yesterday. And not in a high-fiber diet sort of way. I'm talking big, clumpy, diarrhea-induced, shit bombs falling from the sky. And given that my automobile is parked by a dumpster, the smell wasn't that off either. If it keeps up, I'm just going to make a rain coat out of Depends and call it a day.

But on a good note
This is a perfect setting for sitting on my futon and watching a couple of the Peter Cushing Frankenstein movies. Which I did and thoroughly enjoyed until the power went out. So I spent the remainder of the evening reading a craptastic fiction novel by an equally craptastic flashlight and plotting ways to summon Zeus so he can kick the sun in its reluctant ass.

Closing thoughts
Could you imagine what this blog would look like if I actually HAD Seasonal Affective Disorder?

posted by Jenn @ 12:12 PM  

Oh, please no.
Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael Meyers?
Freddy vs. Jason was fun in a Frankenstein vs. Dracula vs. Wolfman vs. Gary Busey kind of way. But Michael Meyers????? The person responsible for a whole generation of movie goers to fear the dark? A monster whose effectiveness was not ruined by any of his craptastic sequels? That's just blasphemy. It's like making Rocky vs. A Kangaroo.

And how the hell would that work anyway?
Because Jason and Freddy are dead, and Michael Meyers.....despite having his head severed...is very much alive. Ah shit, they're going to do something stupid aren't they? Let's see, in Freddy vs. Jason they made Jason afraid of water....which was a fucking news to us as at least one time per movie he comes out of the damn lake. And Freddy is afraid of fire even though he has burned one or two teenagers to death. So, what will Michael Meyers be afraid of? Jack-o-lanterns? Candy Corn? Those garbage bag pumpkins people put on their lawn? Or maybe he'll just be claustrophobic and goes into a panic attack every time he wears a mask.

Jackson Won't Share Bed with Kids Again
In related news, construction on the Neverland Tunnel of Love begins today.

Yeah, yeah, you saw that coming.

And my favorite headline...
Conservative gays threaten to "out" party members

posted by Jenn @ 12:19 PM  

Blah
Have you ever woken up to your face in a pillow full of green, hacky, phlegm-like stuff and you simply do not remember either a) owning a bed-dwelling canine with a sinus infection b) becoming nasally impregnated by aliens over the course of the night? Cause that's how I feel. I have got some kind of nasally disease....one of those that makes your whole head feel like an engorged tick. And for extra fun, the phlegm-like stuff is pressing up on a nerve that simultaneously affects the tooth with the root-canal-I-have-not-gotten-yet and the eye-that-needs-a-stronger-glasses-prescription. So the one side of my face is functioning far better than the other. I'm thinking when I go to the drugstore today to refill my prescription, I'll be mistaken for Two Face and get ambushed by Batman.

So are you going to your show at 'Da Backside Tavern?
Duh...is there a better cure for what ails you then a little backside? As long as I'm still locomotioning or not in Gotham Prison, I'll be there.

'Da Weekend
I spent my weekend reviewing Hammer horror films so Nate doesn't move me to the "Inactive and Possibly Undead" section of the Classic Horror staff list. What I learned from watching six Hammer films this weekend:

• I instantly enjoy any movie that involves Peter Cushing swinging on a household furnishing, such as a chandelier.
• Especially if he is wearing a wig that can best be described as a lunch lady with a skunk fetish.
• The rules of Frankenstein differ in American and Britain. In America, if you find the Frankenstein monster.....you absolutely must revive him. In Britain, if you find Dr. Frankenstein...you absolutely must save him from being beheaded.
• It's generally not a good idea to resurrect Dracula just because he promises you everlasting life. He lies a lot.
• It is not completely in my imagination that Chris Lee did in fact have a very nice fartbox.
• In British "time period" horror movies, for some reason the British policemen dress up much like pirates and act not all that unlike the Keystone Kops.
• In Britain, evilness is determined by sheer fucked-uppedness of the wig.
• Best line in a British horror:

Somebody who can't act: But what if one of you is the monster?

Peter Cushing: Monster? We're British, you know.

posted by Jenn @ 2:03 PM  

And yes, Andrea
Breaking Away was a fine film. I know you have been waiting with baited breath for that assessment.

Sex huts to be built for World Cup
Which is not nearly as entertaining as the final assessment:

"Men have to get used to them of course, but a high percentage accept them because they can protect their anonymity," the official said. "That said there will always be those who want to go behind a bush, under a bridge or into the woods."

Which leads me to ask...who the hell fucks under a bridge? I mean the average four-legged mammal, sure, maybe various members of the amoeba family, and I'm sure it's a common place of troll procreation....but any bridge-like structure does not strike me as an indigenous place of human porkage. Just factoring in that you will have to be pleasing your mate while swatting the barrage of cigarette butts being flung from passing cars over head and you'll have to pay a toll just to get there on top of it? Trying to explain to the ER how that cement flank got lodged in your descending colon doesn't seem worth it.

posted by Jenn @ 12:01 PM  

And for those that care about such things...
The Windbagette Who Roared: My White Noise review at Classic Horror

And just for Gene, the king of juxtaposed links.
These two headlines are listed one right after the other on Yahoo!

Body parts fall from plane

Apartment found full of desiccated corpses
a discovery that came shortly after the exclamation of, "Hey, someone is littering out of that plane!"

South Park was right....there are underpants gnomes
'Underwear Thieves' Return in Cambodia

And that's all I got.
Yeah, weak I know. But I've got deadlines to attend to. Hey, you got underpants burglary. What the hell else do you want?

posted by Jenn @ 12:43 PM  

This test of the Dejennerate Blog's Broadcasting System has been complete
I was testing to see how long I could not blog before the OCD readers start emailing me in bulk assuming I've met a horrible demise. Apparently, it's three days.

Oh...um....THAT'S what the fish smell was
Airport officials find live tropical fish up woman's skirt

Hahahahahahaha!
Pot Smokers take 420 signs
And um, the origin for "420" is ambiguous? Isn't it originally the police code for a pot bust or something?

My 80's flashback of the week
So yesterday I got to interview PJ Soles for Classic Horror, who's probably most recognized as Bill Murray's girlfriend in Stripes, or the chick who flashed her knockers to Michael Meyers in Halloween. And she was a pure delight to talk to, had some funny stories to tell, and she ended the interview with the words "shrunken head." So, hey, it met my interview specifications.

And my gripe of today - The Toy Files
There was once upon a time I was an adult toy collector. And I don't mean that I had shelves full of Hummel dildos or vibrating asshats. That's not a collection one would want to advertise, per se. I mean that I was an adult who collected toys. But not anymore. Why? Well, I am officially revolting.

Allright, I know you want to get that hack line out of your system, so go ahead.

"Yes Jenn, you are revolting."
or
"You're too hard on yourself. You are just despicable."
or
"No more than you usually are..."

See...don't you feel better, now?

Anyway, my rebellion comes from the fact that I can just not bear the fact that the ambiguous "they" are hell bent on ruining my favorite 80's toys with these crappy re-releases anymore. The Transformers are completely shitty, He-Man isn't even gay-by-day, gay-and-into-S&M-by-night anymore, and what the hell have they done with Strawberry Shortcake? She's wearing almost normal clothing now???? Who wants a boring plastic lump like that lying around the house? I like my Strawberry Shortcake the way God intended her to be...sheathed in witch's tights, lesbian-worthy shoes, a red mumu, and an inverted-but-full girl's diaper on her head. With fashion style that revolutionary, who needs a makeover?

Listen, kids, every decade has something that is the "best" compared to all other generations. The 80's had the best toys, period. There is a fricking REASON why toys from the 80's are in higher demand than any other toy from any other time period...because they are the only toys that changed a culture. Hello???? Personal computers? (Texas Instruments, anyone?) The genesis of television shows with the sole intention to market a new line of toys? For that matter, where the hell do you think the obesity problem came from? You think Pokemon had a hand in it? Do you think the Furbys are running around injecting lard into people's asses? No....it was the sole efforts of Frogger, Q-bert, and Super Mario Brothers released into a personal video game console hooked up in close proximity to our La-Z-Boy, Chuck E. Cheese pizza delivery, and Pop Rocks candy. So give it up toy-making people, you'll never recreate the 80's no matter how much you may try, so quit taking the easy route by remaking craptastic versions of our toys and try to create something NEW for a change.

By the way, Santa never did bring me my damn Snoopy SnoCone machine. Binge-eating bastard.

And in other 80's news...a Sixteen Candles sequel???? NOW??????
Hollywood is officially trying to kill me.

posted by Jenn @ 12:15 PM  

And I never struck myself as a windbag...
I just got done writing a review of White Noise for Classic Horror. It's over 1000 words long. I didn't even see that soapbox coming.

And how bad IS this?
I am a weakling when it comes to resisting any film from the horror genre (or "spookers" as my Mom calls them. Apparently my Mom has been frequently teleporting to 1920. My suspicions will be confirmed when she starts calling movies, "pictures" Or adds "skid-doo" into her lexicon). I especially can't resist crap that has an 80's-horror nostalgia to it. So that's why I added Seed of Chucky to my Netflix list.

But really, is that really that bad of me? It's not like --above all evidence to the contrary -- I have any hope at all that this can have any sort of merit whatsoever, or for that matter even be watchable. After all, the Chucky series is a fucking trainwreck anyway, not unlike the Leprechaun series or the Demonic Toys series or any other series where something less than one-foot tall carrying a Fisher Price steak knife is supposed to significantly shorten my life-expectancy. And really, the only reason I added it? John Waters is in it. And I can't really resist anything in which John Waters is involved. And that's the one loophole I'm using to get me out of some Film School Graduates banning that is certainly forthcoming with said revelation.

And Loophole number 2
As I was adding Seed of Chucky to my Netflix queue, I was listening to a Ray Charles, so that cancels that lack of prudence out anyway.

posted by Jenn @ 12:44 PM  

News from the bushlands…
Apparently while my brother was camping this weekend, he put some beer in a bear-proof container. Now, he can’t open it. So now, apparently it is the bear/PhD-student proof container.

posted by Jenn @ 4:47 PM  

Madagascar
I am a complete sucker for computer animation so I saw this with the parents this weekend. Um. Yeah. Can't really think of anything all that memorable to say about it. It was entertaining enough, I suppose, but nothing mind-blowing. Which is a bit of a bummer as once upon a time I was convinced Dreamworks Animation was going to blow the socks off of any comparable attempt by Disney, because Dreamworks had the mind-blowing animation skills and also had the adult-kid humor gap so well bridged. But after seeing Shark Tale and this one, my question is....was Shrek just an extremely well-timed fluke? Because, really? If Robots was any indication of the things to come, Fox Animation Studios is going to blow right by them, a condition I never would have foreseen after the Nintendo-esque, hack plot known as Ice Age.

But thank god we still have Pixar
who is following up their tremendously well-crafted film, The Incredibles with...uh... Cars. Which is about, um, talking cars. Talking NAS-cars specifically.

Um.

Hey, at least we've got the Wallace and Grommit movie, huh?

I can't stay out late tonight....I can't stay out late tonight...
Folks, I am absolutely completely bushed. Completely, totally, and unequivocally bushed.

HA! You thought I was going to make a bush reference, didn't you? Well, see, I'm not. Because I believe in a little element of surprise around these here parts. Leave it to less cutting-edge bloggers to go for the easy shot.

Though "bushed" DOES sound like a B-movie about a 50-foot twat, doesn't it? I'm picturing the poster being a close-up of a 50-foot twat bearing razor sharp teeth with the words Bushed! scrawled across it in green splotchy font, with the ever-hack tagline of Yes...it IS that time of the month. Or perhaps, This bush eats you.

I can't even begin to tell you how positively horrible I feel about plaguing you with that last paragraph right now. But this thought process is not my fault. I'm currently blaming it on my horror movie discussion with Gerry at EVOS last night on it which ended with him handing me a video with the words, "Don't watch this while eating." He did not specify the type of eating, and my brain tends to register everything to the lowest and sickest denominator. It's a gift...it's a curse...kind of like Harry Potter, really. Who probably has plenty of wizardry tricks to deflect an impending 50-foot twat, but that's CLEARLY a different post, right?

Anyway, I'm a little ragged after the whole New York-Buffalo-Boston comedy trifecta. Of course this was compounded by the fact that I also performed at Backside on Monday and last night at EVOS, two places which keep me trapped not unlike a intergalactic black swirling sucking nebulous until at least 1:00 a.m. So, just accept this lukewarm blogging experience right now, and I'll be back at full strength tomorrow with something that's at least interesting to read and doesn't involve 50-foot twats.

And to "Bim"
Any reference to twat above has been dedicated to you.

posted by Jenn @ 12:16 PM