A lesson learned
Yesterday I learned that it is not particularly wise to whine about a 3-day long toothache only to have boyfriend walk in on you eating a Cadbury Cream Egg. This is a good way to be diagnosed as a "masochist." Explaining that they were 50% off does not particularly help your case either.
This just in....Mitch Hedburg might be dead
I say "might" because the only news sites who have been citing it are blogs and Howard Stern. And it's the day before April Fools Day. If it is true, that is a real fucking shame for comedy, but I'm personally erring on the side of "crying bullshit" until I hear differently. Perhaps wishful thinking on my part.
And in the news...
Thief accidentally steals poop from woman walking dog
DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
OUCHIES
I have now entered Day 3 of unrelenting tooth pain. I am going to the dentist Friday. Until then I may have to invest in a large pair of pliers and find someone who is willing to do me bodily harm.
And chewing is completely out of the question
As I'm having issues on both sides, the only teeth I can use are my front teeth, which makes me purse my lips when I chew so foodstuff doesn't dribble out of my mouth. So now every time I attempt to get any sort of nourishment at all, it looks like I'm practicing fellatio. Which explains why I'm the only apartment the postman delivers mail to personally...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Movie
which is soon to be followed by The Confederacy of Dunces film later this year. Does anyone hold out any hope that either of these films have a shot in HELL at capturing the genius of the book?
Legally Blind Golfer Sinks Hole-in-One
Which could mean he is an exceptional golfer, or he just got laid. The only difference being that the former will not be quickly followed by "Hey! Wrong hole, dipshit."
I have now entered Day 3 of unrelenting tooth pain. I am going to the dentist Friday. Until then I may have to invest in a large pair of pliers and find someone who is willing to do me bodily harm.
And chewing is completely out of the question
As I'm having issues on both sides, the only teeth I can use are my front teeth, which makes me purse my lips when I chew so foodstuff doesn't dribble out of my mouth. So now every time I attempt to get any sort of nourishment at all, it looks like I'm practicing fellatio. Which explains why I'm the only apartment the postman delivers mail to personally...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Movie
which is soon to be followed by The Confederacy of Dunces film later this year. Does anyone hold out any hope that either of these films have a shot in HELL at capturing the genius of the book?
Legally Blind Golfer Sinks Hole-in-One
Which could mean he is an exceptional golfer, or he just got laid. The only difference being that the former will not be quickly followed by "Hey! Wrong hole, dipshit."
Monday, March 28, 2005
Bunny Fuck Egg-stravaganza
Nothing all that noteworthy to note about my Easter. I celebrated by having Chocolate martinis and Amy’s Big Fucking Mess Cake. And lots of white chocolate. Lots and Lots and LOTS of white chocolate. And several packages of orange cream Peeps. Dipped in white chocolate. With a side of Cadbury Cream Eggs. By 8:00 last night my blood sugar reading was probably “666” which stands for “What the HELL is she doing?????” My circulatory system screaming expletives at me is not new necessarily, but it usually occurs only around scorpion bowls.
And I’m sure this is COMPLETELY unrelated
Toothache from Hell has now returned. Which suddenly seems not all that shocking considering my oral cavity has been a Corn Syrup Jacuzzi for 24 hours. I was going to say Cream-filled Jacuzzi, but I really don’t need to give you guys THAT kind of ammunition. As it is, some dipshit is going to email saying “do you prefer chocolate cream or white cream?” And of course the answer is banana cream.
But hey, will still be at Kennedy’s tonight delivering my mirth
Despite the fact that I can’t get to the dentist until tomorrow, since -- as I’ve mentioned previously-- my dentist is opposed to the concept of working on Mondays. My friend is into holistic shit and told me….in all seriousness….to spread crushed cloves and vanilla flavoring on a piece of lambskin and stick it in my mouth to relieve pain. Oh yeah, I’ll do THAT right away. Because you, know, it’s not bad enough I have two severely FUBAR-ed friends who call me “Sheepie” because they HALLUCINATE of me fucking sheep, I need to start answering my door with a vanilla-flavored lamb’s foreskin in my mouth. I have enough restraining orders from UPS men, thank you.
Nothing all that noteworthy to note about my Easter. I celebrated by having Chocolate martinis and Amy’s Big Fucking Mess Cake. And lots of white chocolate. Lots and Lots and LOTS of white chocolate. And several packages of orange cream Peeps. Dipped in white chocolate. With a side of Cadbury Cream Eggs. By 8:00 last night my blood sugar reading was probably “666” which stands for “What the HELL is she doing?????” My circulatory system screaming expletives at me is not new necessarily, but it usually occurs only around scorpion bowls.
And I’m sure this is COMPLETELY unrelated
Toothache from Hell has now returned. Which suddenly seems not all that shocking considering my oral cavity has been a Corn Syrup Jacuzzi for 24 hours. I was going to say Cream-filled Jacuzzi, but I really don’t need to give you guys THAT kind of ammunition. As it is, some dipshit is going to email saying “do you prefer chocolate cream or white cream?” And of course the answer is banana cream.
But hey, will still be at Kennedy’s tonight delivering my mirth
Despite the fact that I can’t get to the dentist until tomorrow, since -- as I’ve mentioned previously-- my dentist is opposed to the concept of working on Mondays. My friend is into holistic shit and told me….in all seriousness….to spread crushed cloves and vanilla flavoring on a piece of lambskin and stick it in my mouth to relieve pain. Oh yeah, I’ll do THAT right away. Because you, know, it’s not bad enough I have two severely FUBAR-ed friends who call me “Sheepie” because they HALLUCINATE of me fucking sheep, I need to start answering my door with a vanilla-flavored lamb’s foreskin in my mouth. I have enough restraining orders from UPS men, thank you.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Um....ok.
Man Kills Dog Because of its name
Oh just trust me on this one..
Mom asks cops for a sobriety test, she fails
Eh, I don't got much to say right now as I am still running somewhat of a comic high from my set in Manhandler, CT last night. I'll blog more later.
Man Kills Dog Because of its name
Oh just trust me on this one..
Mom asks cops for a sobriety test, she fails
Eh, I don't got much to say right now as I am still running somewhat of a comic high from my set in Manhandler, CT last night. I'll blog more later.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
This can really beef up their advertising campaign...
Get Fingered at Wendys
Newest phrase for my lexicon
Sumo wrestler pants war
Eh....short post today
Had a good set at The Comedy Studio, AND got a DVD of my performance which I will convert into a video file so you guys can see it. And it was mostly new stuff. New funny stuff. New funny, PERVERTED stuff. New, funny, perverted stuff, with cephalopods. Yeah, that's the ticket folks.
I don't even have much to say about the aftershow, despite the presence of Zolton. Not that it wasn't wildly entertaining....as most things that involve a scorpion bowl after not eating anything since lunch are...but no new dysfunctional topics. We basically reviewed our past topics of elephant vaginas, plant fucking, bumblefuck candles, and the like. We will be releasing a Cliffs Notes version soon.
Oh we did talk about maggots in dead people's navels. But I won't go into that as most of you are probably reading this on your lunch break, and I try not to spark dry-heaving in my readers if I can at all avoid it.
Off to Manchester...
To a place called The Main Pub. Creative name. Especially as it is on Main Street. But, I have heard it is a really great, popular room. So we'll see...stay tuned.
Get Fingered at Wendys
Newest phrase for my lexicon
Sumo wrestler pants war
Eh....short post today
Had a good set at The Comedy Studio, AND got a DVD of my performance which I will convert into a video file so you guys can see it. And it was mostly new stuff. New funny stuff. New funny, PERVERTED stuff. New, funny, perverted stuff, with cephalopods. Yeah, that's the ticket folks.
I don't even have much to say about the aftershow, despite the presence of Zolton. Not that it wasn't wildly entertaining....as most things that involve a scorpion bowl after not eating anything since lunch are...but no new dysfunctional topics. We basically reviewed our past topics of elephant vaginas, plant fucking, bumblefuck candles, and the like. We will be releasing a Cliffs Notes version soon.
Oh we did talk about maggots in dead people's navels. But I won't go into that as most of you are probably reading this on your lunch break, and I try not to spark dry-heaving in my readers if I can at all avoid it.
Off to Manchester...
To a place called The Main Pub. Creative name. Especially as it is on Main Street. But, I have heard it is a really great, popular room. So we'll see...stay tuned.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
That's it...I'm taking up chess
Well, actually I used to play chess a lot as ex-boyfriend John was quite a fan (and I consistently whipped his ass). But I ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE RIGHT NOW the South Park Chess set. Not only because it's hysterical that Cartman riding a cow is the knight pawn, and Chef is the Pimp King. The selling point is...
Big Gay Al is the Queen.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, and Kyle is the bishop. Which is so very funny as he is Jewish.
Speaking of South Park
I just realized that we're up to NINE seasons already. And the show just keeps getting better, edgier, and smarter. Does anyone find that fricking amazing? Any show that has been running for nine years have had "off seasons", Seinfeld and The Simpsons included. South Park keeps reinventing itself and still manages to be the most hilarious and freshest show on television. And it is still underrated. Maybe that's the key.
But seriously, what other show in history has just gotten better with age? Has there been one? I'm relying on the Email Contingent for this one.
And speaking of The Simpsons
Anyone else catch The Simpsons episode of South Park re-run last night? Are we all in agreement that, that episode was funnier than anything The Simpsons had on deck this year? Because, really, I love The Simpsons, but they have never put me in danger of snorting my peanut butter and jelly sandwich through my nose. Because I almost did that last night. And that would have really have been an embarrassing way to die. But, hey, at least I'd get a Darwin Award out of it.
And a link that may make you snort your sandwich through your nose
See, that's called a segue.
Bird Scarecrow Machine
This just in...
The Vatican is Controlled by the Devil, apparently
Well, actually I used to play chess a lot as ex-boyfriend John was quite a fan (and I consistently whipped his ass). But I ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE RIGHT NOW the South Park Chess set. Not only because it's hysterical that Cartman riding a cow is the knight pawn, and Chef is the Pimp King. The selling point is...
Big Gay Al is the Queen.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, and Kyle is the bishop. Which is so very funny as he is Jewish.
Speaking of South Park
I just realized that we're up to NINE seasons already. And the show just keeps getting better, edgier, and smarter. Does anyone find that fricking amazing? Any show that has been running for nine years have had "off seasons", Seinfeld and The Simpsons included. South Park keeps reinventing itself and still manages to be the most hilarious and freshest show on television. And it is still underrated. Maybe that's the key.
But seriously, what other show in history has just gotten better with age? Has there been one? I'm relying on the Email Contingent for this one.
And speaking of The Simpsons
Anyone else catch The Simpsons episode of South Park re-run last night? Are we all in agreement that, that episode was funnier than anything The Simpsons had on deck this year? Because, really, I love The Simpsons, but they have never put me in danger of snorting my peanut butter and jelly sandwich through my nose. Because I almost did that last night. And that would have really have been an embarrassing way to die. But, hey, at least I'd get a Darwin Award out of it.
And a link that may make you snort your sandwich through your nose
See, that's called a segue.
Bird Scarecrow Machine
This just in...
The Vatican is Controlled by the Devil, apparently
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
With liberty and fucksticks for all...
So I co-hosted at The Backside Tavern last night, and it was one of the few comedy shows I have ever done that was just as entertaining as the "aftershow festivities," which generally involve lots of beer, euphoric drunk comics, and a good chance that the topic of "plant fucking" will arise. See, we were suppose to be taped for cable, however we had zero audience members as it was Day 5 of St. Patricks Day weekend and the population of Marshfield was much too preoccupied giving head to their toilet bowl or trying to find pictures of Satan on their pets or something. So we decided not to tape for cable, which meant all the comics got to use the word "fuck" again. So, instead of doing a comic workshop or something worthwhile like that, we proceeded to spend the next 2 hours attempting to break The Fuck Barrier. As I was the co-host of this Fucking Trainwreck, during every set between comics, I incorporated the word "fuckstick," regardless of the subject matter I was discussing at the time. I am proud to say I completed this task by weaving the word "fuckstick" adequately into topics such as:
So I co-hosted at The Backside Tavern last night, and it was one of the few comedy shows I have ever done that was just as entertaining as the "aftershow festivities," which generally involve lots of beer, euphoric drunk comics, and a good chance that the topic of "plant fucking" will arise. See, we were suppose to be taped for cable, however we had zero audience members as it was Day 5 of St. Patricks Day weekend and the population of Marshfield was much too preoccupied giving head to their toilet bowl or trying to find pictures of Satan on their pets or something. So we decided not to tape for cable, which meant all the comics got to use the word "fuck" again. So, instead of doing a comic workshop or something worthwhile like that, we proceeded to spend the next 2 hours attempting to break The Fuck Barrier. As I was the co-host of this Fucking Trainwreck, during every set between comics, I incorporated the word "fuckstick," regardless of the subject matter I was discussing at the time. I am proud to say I completed this task by weaving the word "fuckstick" adequately into topics such as:
- bedspread wedgies
- Wizard of Oz hallucinations
- layaway
- The funny things Moms say
- Lassoing old people
- The Octopus and other shit with tentacles
And in addition to much discussion of "fucksticks" there was also a One Act play starring myself and the qualified-to-perform-Shakespeare-with-Tony Danza, Chrissy Kelleher, involving things that could go in one's vagina, which certainly reached its climax when Chrissy's Bucket o' Beer made its first appearance.
Next up, The Comedy Studio
Which has a set of interesting antics of its own. Stay tuned.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Favorite line from the Jeff Foxworthy Roast last night
"People tell me I'm not the brightest bulb in the knife drawer" - George W. Bush
My view on the Roast, not that you give a shit
First of all, let's just say right off the bat that "Roasts" are not anywhere near as good as they were in Dean Martin's day. But, I still found the Foxworthy Roast entertaining, and certainly more entertaining than the Denis Leary Roast last year. While there were certain parts of that Roast that were memorable, I kinda expected it to be more brutally funny as all those guys were clearly good friends with Leary. And it was a little lackluster to me. The Foxworthy Roast seemed a little more consistent. But really...isn't it a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT EASIER to make fun of Foxworthy than Leary?
Just some comments:
- Greg Giraldo is the man
- People in character always steal the show as we learned from Don Gavin as Denis Leary's priest and President Bush in the Foxworthy Roast
- Anyone else have a WTF? moment during Bama's set?
- Foxworthy looks entirely too much like a pedophile priest when he's wearing glasses.
- This was the only time I've ever seen Dr. Phil and not want to dropkick my television set.
- And just so you know....they showed the Roast in a continuous loop 4....count them.....4 times. How do I know? I poorly timed my caffeine consumption this evening.
And I'll leave you with this
Divine Interventions - the home of the Baby Jesus Butt Plug
"People tell me I'm not the brightest bulb in the knife drawer" - George W. Bush
My view on the Roast, not that you give a shit
First of all, let's just say right off the bat that "Roasts" are not anywhere near as good as they were in Dean Martin's day. But, I still found the Foxworthy Roast entertaining, and certainly more entertaining than the Denis Leary Roast last year. While there were certain parts of that Roast that were memorable, I kinda expected it to be more brutally funny as all those guys were clearly good friends with Leary. And it was a little lackluster to me. The Foxworthy Roast seemed a little more consistent. But really...isn't it a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT EASIER to make fun of Foxworthy than Leary?
Just some comments:
- Greg Giraldo is the man
- People in character always steal the show as we learned from Don Gavin as Denis Leary's priest and President Bush in the Foxworthy Roast
- Anyone else have a WTF? moment during Bama's set?
- Foxworthy looks entirely too much like a pedophile priest when he's wearing glasses.
- This was the only time I've ever seen Dr. Phil and not want to dropkick my television set.
- And just so you know....they showed the Roast in a continuous loop 4....count them.....4 times. How do I know? I poorly timed my caffeine consumption this evening.
And I'll leave you with this
Divine Interventions - the home of the Baby Jesus Butt Plug
Friday, March 18, 2005
How blasphemous is it...
that I am considering seeing The Ring Two this weekend? I mean, the first one I had to see just so I can bitch how it fudged up the original, Ringu. And it did to an extent, and for that I have a loathing for it. But I didn't think it was all that bad aside of the deep hatred and all, and that's why it is on my DVD shelf. Do not try to find the logic in this. It's the same logic that forced me to have the horrendous James Bond movie Never Say Never Again on my DVD shelf even though I would rather gut my eyes out with a melon baller than to ever, EVER watch it again. But that didn't stop me from buying it. On the day it was released, nonetheless.
OK, seeing The Ring was justified because I have the unalienable right to bitch about remaking good movies. But seeing The Ring Two seems a little blasphemous as I have well-documented here and other places that I despise this trend of Americanizing great Japanese horror (and no, you fuckwits, my love of The Grudge remake does not count because they used the same director as the original and many of the same actors. You hear that sound? That's a loophole sewing itself shut.). So how blasphemous is it to my cause, loyal readers? I will be taking email responses.
Um....wait
I'll be taking email responses only from people who are well-versed in Japanese horror and are not stand-up comics, humor writers, or just random asshats who personally know me and think they are funny. This should eliminate the bulk of the "It's as blasphemous as blowing a weedwacker on your honeymoon" correspondences.
Man's Best Friend, with Benefits
Man has sex with dog
Because I know you were all on edge waiting for an update on the manhole cover theft
Heavier manhole covers = less risk of theft
And a man who needs NO introduction
Flasher caught using a banana
that I am considering seeing The Ring Two this weekend? I mean, the first one I had to see just so I can bitch how it fudged up the original, Ringu. And it did to an extent, and for that I have a loathing for it. But I didn't think it was all that bad aside of the deep hatred and all, and that's why it is on my DVD shelf. Do not try to find the logic in this. It's the same logic that forced me to have the horrendous James Bond movie Never Say Never Again on my DVD shelf even though I would rather gut my eyes out with a melon baller than to ever, EVER watch it again. But that didn't stop me from buying it. On the day it was released, nonetheless.
OK, seeing The Ring was justified because I have the unalienable right to bitch about remaking good movies. But seeing The Ring Two seems a little blasphemous as I have well-documented here and other places that I despise this trend of Americanizing great Japanese horror (and no, you fuckwits, my love of The Grudge remake does not count because they used the same director as the original and many of the same actors. You hear that sound? That's a loophole sewing itself shut.). So how blasphemous is it to my cause, loyal readers? I will be taking email responses.
Um....wait
I'll be taking email responses only from people who are well-versed in Japanese horror and are not stand-up comics, humor writers, or just random asshats who personally know me and think they are funny. This should eliminate the bulk of the "It's as blasphemous as blowing a weedwacker on your honeymoon" correspondences.
Man's Best Friend, with Benefits
Man has sex with dog
Because I know you were all on edge waiting for an update on the manhole cover theft
Heavier manhole covers = less risk of theft
And a man who needs NO introduction
Flasher caught using a banana
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Your coffee-spewing news story of the day
Blow-up doll causes bomb scare at post office
Oh and wait...one more
Man with "TIPSY" license plate gets arrested for DWI
Now see....this is why I left Buffalo
Buffalo workers have to bring their own toilet paper to work
And for the lovely ladies and gents at Classic Horror
Gravy commercial that parodies 1950 'The Blob' banned from Britain - frightens children
Furry and Amy...Just so you know, I will be in hiding because one of my suppliers was arrested
Football Player Caught with Stolen Sheep
And special thanks to the people of Transvigor
for linking to an article about my woes with weight-lifting in which I concluded I was turning into the She-Hulk. For those who don't know, Transvigor is an Internet shrine of sorts for guys who like muscular, strong women instead of the little, waify types that I normally eat for breakfast (no, not THAT kind of eat, you perverts. You gotta go over to Lesvigor to see that.) So, I'm waving hello to everyone who found me through Transvigor and welcoming you all to the clan here. ;) And hey, I posted that in January. Just IMAGINE how She-Hulky I am NOW.
Special note:
People who have seen me since January are not allowed to do ruin said fantasy image for the Transviggorians.
Blow-up doll causes bomb scare at post office
Oh and wait...one more
Man with "TIPSY" license plate gets arrested for DWI
Now see....this is why I left Buffalo
Buffalo workers have to bring their own toilet paper to work
And for the lovely ladies and gents at Classic Horror
Gravy commercial that parodies 1950 'The Blob' banned from Britain - frightens children
Furry and Amy...Just so you know, I will be in hiding because one of my suppliers was arrested
Football Player Caught with Stolen Sheep
And special thanks to the people of Transvigor
for linking to an article about my woes with weight-lifting in which I concluded I was turning into the She-Hulk. For those who don't know, Transvigor is an Internet shrine of sorts for guys who like muscular, strong women instead of the little, waify types that I normally eat for breakfast (no, not THAT kind of eat, you perverts. You gotta go over to Lesvigor to see that.) So, I'm waving hello to everyone who found me through Transvigor and welcoming you all to the clan here. ;) And hey, I posted that in January. Just IMAGINE how She-Hulky I am NOW.
Special note:
People who have seen me since January are not allowed to do ruin said fantasy image for the Transviggorians.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Snow Festival Postponed After Heat Wave
Not that THAT isn't amusing in its own right....but now they have to postpone it to a later date when there's an even LESS chance of snow.
And really, this takes talent
Police Chief Charged with DUI Twice in the Same Day
Just a question:
USA eventually will have to buy NEW episodes of SVU, right? They can't they possibly run the same 20 episodes until the end of infinity, can they?
Latest revelation - I Hate Writing
No, not really, as it's how I make my living and it's rather convenient having money to buy groceries, gas, and edible panties whenever I please. But I'm having somewhat of an issue with writer's block lately (hellooooo???? Have you been reading this blog lately? Posts about bumblefuck candles? Mucus Monsoons? Jimmy Stewart??????). In fact, I don't even know where I wanted to go with this paragraph, except perhaps take it out for a nice dinner, get it drunk, and have a round of blumpkins and muff waxing. But I can't do that as paragraphs are HUGE blabbermouths 'cause they tell their story to one paragraph who adds on to the story to the next paragraph and so on until you get this big fucking UNTRUE manuscript. See, that's how fiction novels get started...you just fuck one little paragraph and it turns into a big fucking story. Feh.
Mental note to self....I no longer should blog before 6:00 a.m.
Raise your hand
If you had to do a Google search to figure out what blumpkins was.
And of course, a shout-out to sick friends
OK, so a couple of my friends are sick, so go read their blog so they can feel better.
Zolton - just because it may have been me who got him sick, and I really would feel bad if I could stop maniacally laughing and frequently spewing expletives of controlling the world, one wheezing human at a time.
Gene - I'm not sure if he is still sick, but he probably is as he has kids. Really, I'd be more surprised to find out he isn't dead yet. That actually may be the best alternative as he recently told me (and everyone else who reads his blog) that he didn't have a staff, and I know severed appendages can cause life-threatening, and rather uncomfortable, infections.
Not that THAT isn't amusing in its own right....but now they have to postpone it to a later date when there's an even LESS chance of snow.
And really, this takes talent
Police Chief Charged with DUI Twice in the Same Day
Just a question:
USA eventually will have to buy NEW episodes of SVU, right? They can't they possibly run the same 20 episodes until the end of infinity, can they?
Latest revelation - I Hate Writing
No, not really, as it's how I make my living and it's rather convenient having money to buy groceries, gas, and edible panties whenever I please. But I'm having somewhat of an issue with writer's block lately (hellooooo???? Have you been reading this blog lately? Posts about bumblefuck candles? Mucus Monsoons? Jimmy Stewart??????). In fact, I don't even know where I wanted to go with this paragraph, except perhaps take it out for a nice dinner, get it drunk, and have a round of blumpkins and muff waxing. But I can't do that as paragraphs are HUGE blabbermouths 'cause they tell their story to one paragraph who adds on to the story to the next paragraph and so on until you get this big fucking UNTRUE manuscript. See, that's how fiction novels get started...you just fuck one little paragraph and it turns into a big fucking story. Feh.
Mental note to self....I no longer should blog before 6:00 a.m.
Raise your hand
If you had to do a Google search to figure out what blumpkins was.
And of course, a shout-out to sick friends
OK, so a couple of my friends are sick, so go read their blog so they can feel better.
Zolton - just because it may have been me who got him sick, and I really would feel bad if I could stop maniacally laughing and frequently spewing expletives of controlling the world, one wheezing human at a time.
Gene - I'm not sure if he is still sick, but he probably is as he has kids. Really, I'd be more surprised to find out he isn't dead yet. That actually may be the best alternative as he recently told me (and everyone else who reads his blog) that he didn't have a staff, and I know severed appendages can cause life-threatening, and rather uncomfortable, infections.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Finally....FINALLY...I can stop that letter writing campaign
"Wedgie" added to dictionary
Dipatches from Jenn's Netflix Queue - Jimmy Stewart Edition
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - OK, so I had a mini-Jimmy Stewart fest last night which is a fest everyone should have from time to time. And being a Jimmy Stewart fan, this movie of course falls in the category of Shit I Should Have Seen Already. The premise of the film was a little ridiculous, the whole political thing seemed a little far fetched, and it looked obscenely dated. But all this didn't make it any less entertaining. Stewart gives one of his very best performances, and more importantly....they break the FRICKING bank on spinning newspaper headlines (a must in ANY black-and-white drama). And, really, the whole film is worthwhile just to hear Stewart --who is standing in the middle of a crowded Senate --saying the phrase "colder than a mackerel."
Harvey - Have you seen this acid trip yet? Holy shit. Seriously? One of the most trippy films I ever have seen. See, for those of you in the dark, Jimmy Stewart has an imaginary friend who is a 6'3 white talking rabbit named Harvey. Stewart plays the role absolutely brilliantly by positioning himself halfway between "wise, in-tuned man who sees something that you simply do not have the capacity for" and "guy who also believes Jesus lives in a his can of fruit cocktail." The premise of the movie is unique, which makes it a great view. And there are certainly advantages to having a 6-foot bunny as a companion. For one thing, you can dress as a drag queen Playboy bunny for Halloween and people will think, "Hey look....they match" versus "hey look...he can't babysit for us anymore." Not to mention, I'm sure it is only to your benefit to have someone on hand who can theoretically beat the crap out of the Easter Bunny. No crappy, sugar-coated marshmallow bunnies for you, indeed.
All right, as you can tell...I got nothing this morning. Have a good day and see ya tomorrow.
"Wedgie" added to dictionary
Dipatches from Jenn's Netflix Queue - Jimmy Stewart Edition
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - OK, so I had a mini-Jimmy Stewart fest last night which is a fest everyone should have from time to time. And being a Jimmy Stewart fan, this movie of course falls in the category of Shit I Should Have Seen Already. The premise of the film was a little ridiculous, the whole political thing seemed a little far fetched, and it looked obscenely dated. But all this didn't make it any less entertaining. Stewart gives one of his very best performances, and more importantly....they break the FRICKING bank on spinning newspaper headlines (a must in ANY black-and-white drama). And, really, the whole film is worthwhile just to hear Stewart --who is standing in the middle of a crowded Senate --saying the phrase "colder than a mackerel."
Harvey - Have you seen this acid trip yet? Holy shit. Seriously? One of the most trippy films I ever have seen. See, for those of you in the dark, Jimmy Stewart has an imaginary friend who is a 6'3 white talking rabbit named Harvey. Stewart plays the role absolutely brilliantly by positioning himself halfway between "wise, in-tuned man who sees something that you simply do not have the capacity for" and "guy who also believes Jesus lives in a his can of fruit cocktail." The premise of the movie is unique, which makes it a great view. And there are certainly advantages to having a 6-foot bunny as a companion. For one thing, you can dress as a drag queen Playboy bunny for Halloween and people will think, "Hey look....they match" versus "hey look...he can't babysit for us anymore." Not to mention, I'm sure it is only to your benefit to have someone on hand who can theoretically beat the crap out of the Easter Bunny. No crappy, sugar-coated marshmallow bunnies for you, indeed.
All right, as you can tell...I got nothing this morning. Have a good day and see ya tomorrow.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Yet a new phrase for my lexicon...
Rampant manhole cover theft
Man dresses up as dead mother to get pension
Does anyone find it a tad disturbing that the outrage lies in the fact that he dressed up as her to get her pension instead of the fact that HE BURIED HER IN THE FRICKING BASEMENT?
So, latest writer's dilemma
So here's the deal. As I'm a writer, I keep written records of a lot of major life events with the intention to use them as pieces later on. These "diaries" are completely uncensored and unedited as they are simply for me and me only, with the intent of eventually weaving some kind of crap out of them. Well, one of these such "diaries" of a major aspect of my life (and no, you don't get to know what aspect yet in attempt to achieve some sort of suspense around here) made its way into my agent's hands. I'm not sure how this happened as I keep these things closely guarded under lock and chain, so I can only assume she retrieved it from my home via short-wave telepathy. Or she just asked really, really, nicely for it. Either one.
So Agent Lady read this particular diary and....failing to inform me of her next move... sent it to her publisher friend. Because Agent Lady thinks she is completely allowed to be sneaky in this relationship as we are quite amicable with each other. And it may be in that contract I signed and never looked through. So now, Publisher Man wants to turn it into a book because he loved the "raw" quality of it. So what's my frickin problem? I'm getting to it, damnit! Fuckhead.
Anyway, I've always said that any writer who says he writes completely honestly is lying to himself. Because, see, all writers create a voice for themselves, that is not all that unlike the voice of God. God never speaks directly to people as they simply can not handle the awesome power of his true voice, so he uses an angel, or a burning bush, or some random looney at the bus station. This comes from the movie Dogma, so of course it has to be true. A writer does the same thing....his "writer's voice" is like the filter between himself and the audience. So finally...here is my problem... Don't think I didn't hear that sigh over there.
The diary is something I wrote without the use of my writer's voice, as it was intended to be for my eyes only. So it is very uncensored and an emotional depth that is practically unheard of in Dlugos Land. And literally spilling my guts so profusely to readers is not something I'm all that comfortable with, especially as my guts are very messy with all the fiber I eat. And they don't want me to do a "tone change" or a massive rewrite because it loses the raw quality and the appeal. So what to do? Well, I'm definitely going to pursue it....I'd be an asstard not to...but we'll see if I can strike up some sort of deal. And if not, I can simply go into self-imposed hiding or fake my own death or something.
Rampant manhole cover theft
Man dresses up as dead mother to get pension
Does anyone find it a tad disturbing that the outrage lies in the fact that he dressed up as her to get her pension instead of the fact that HE BURIED HER IN THE FRICKING BASEMENT?
So, latest writer's dilemma
So here's the deal. As I'm a writer, I keep written records of a lot of major life events with the intention to use them as pieces later on. These "diaries" are completely uncensored and unedited as they are simply for me and me only, with the intent of eventually weaving some kind of crap out of them. Well, one of these such "diaries" of a major aspect of my life (and no, you don't get to know what aspect yet in attempt to achieve some sort of suspense around here) made its way into my agent's hands. I'm not sure how this happened as I keep these things closely guarded under lock and chain, so I can only assume she retrieved it from my home via short-wave telepathy. Or she just asked really, really, nicely for it. Either one.
So Agent Lady read this particular diary and....failing to inform me of her next move... sent it to her publisher friend. Because Agent Lady thinks she is completely allowed to be sneaky in this relationship as we are quite amicable with each other. And it may be in that contract I signed and never looked through. So now, Publisher Man wants to turn it into a book because he loved the "raw" quality of it. So what's my frickin problem? I'm getting to it, damnit! Fuckhead.
Anyway, I've always said that any writer who says he writes completely honestly is lying to himself. Because, see, all writers create a voice for themselves, that is not all that unlike the voice of God. God never speaks directly to people as they simply can not handle the awesome power of his true voice, so he uses an angel, or a burning bush, or some random looney at the bus station. This comes from the movie Dogma, so of course it has to be true. A writer does the same thing....his "writer's voice" is like the filter between himself and the audience. So finally...here is my problem... Don't think I didn't hear that sigh over there.
The diary is something I wrote without the use of my writer's voice, as it was intended to be for my eyes only. So it is very uncensored and an emotional depth that is practically unheard of in Dlugos Land. And literally spilling my guts so profusely to readers is not something I'm all that comfortable with, especially as my guts are very messy with all the fiber I eat. And they don't want me to do a "tone change" or a massive rewrite because it loses the raw quality and the appeal. So what to do? Well, I'm definitely going to pursue it....I'd be an asstard not to...but we'll see if I can strike up some sort of deal. And if not, I can simply go into self-imposed hiding or fake my own death or something.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Warning, this website is dangerous for your health
I just received word from two ladies who exclaimed the monkey in my freezer article was so hysterical it made them lose control of their body functions - one by snorting coffee through her nose and one by peeing herself. OK, so the one who peed herself is Amy and honestly that type of behavior isn't particularly unusual for her. But the espresso spewer was a BRAND NEW inductee to the Dejennerate cult (*waving to Freya*), which makes it a proud moment for us.
And the reason Freya got to read it?
Because the Poster Child for Bladder Control, Amy, decided to post a quote from the climax of the dead monkey in the freezer article on a private internet board we belong to WITH NO PRELUDE WHATSOEVER. And really, anything that involves monkeys in one's freezer really needs to have some sort of back story, because otherwise you end up with some very, very confused board members. So I stepped in and posted the link to the story, and balance was restored. Silly, silly, Amy.
You're on your own for dick jokes
18-inch dog swallows 16-inch stick
I just received word from two ladies who exclaimed the monkey in my freezer article was so hysterical it made them lose control of their body functions - one by snorting coffee through her nose and one by peeing herself. OK, so the one who peed herself is Amy and honestly that type of behavior isn't particularly unusual for her. But the espresso spewer was a BRAND NEW inductee to the Dejennerate cult (*waving to Freya*), which makes it a proud moment for us.
And the reason Freya got to read it?
Because the Poster Child for Bladder Control, Amy, decided to post a quote from the climax of the dead monkey in the freezer article on a private internet board we belong to WITH NO PRELUDE WHATSOEVER. And really, anything that involves monkeys in one's freezer really needs to have some sort of back story, because otherwise you end up with some very, very confused board members. So I stepped in and posted the link to the story, and balance was restored. Silly, silly, Amy.
You're on your own for dick jokes
18-inch dog swallows 16-inch stick
Friday, March 11, 2005
And later that day...
Allright, all right...I'm back! Stop throwing fucking rocks at my window!
Furry, this is only for you as you are the expert
Toilet Paper Tax
Amy
I was entirely too amused by pigs lips.
BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tax defaulters in southern India are being forced to face the music after city authorities hired drummers to play non-stop outside their homes until they pay up.
Busy Weekend for the Dejennerated DD-Cupped Despot
That's what I've been calling myself around the office these days. It has a nice ring to it, and I already had the nickname "Despot" to work with (*waving hello to the Autocrated Alberti*). So today I am going to be at Catalonis in Rockland where that lady from the Patriot Ledger is coming to see me for that article o' Jenn. Remember that article that started a month ago or so? Yep, still in the works. Which is really cool, especially as Suzette has been so devoted to the article despite her daughter giving birth to a brand new human (well, I presume it's a human. Given how Suzette describes the length of the pregnancy, it could be an elephant.) And really, any form of news media that has been in production for more than a month should clearly be labeled an opus.
Oh, and on top of the super-cool-article, a scout from a different comedy club is coming out to see me. So, as this place is a little on the cleaner side, I'm thinking "sloppy congo line" is not going to be let out to play tonight.
And then.....not to be topped.....I'm going up to Exeter tomorrow! Which surprisingly, is not a book from the Bible. It's actually a smallish town in New Hampshire. And what would one do in a place called Exeter? Well, stand-up comedy, you silly goose. And stand-up comedy on an ALL LADIES bill. I'm sure I could make some form of "see New Hampshire's finest peaks" joke, but I'm entirely too classy for that.
And I've found the only tolerable and highly amusing way to keep up-to-date on the day-to-day antics of the Michael Jackson trial
Gene's blog. Tune in today for a snippet from Michael Jackson's diary.
Though, really, that asshat doesn't deserve a link from me today
Because he told me I'm no good at obsessing. Way to shatter a girl's Jackie the Ripper pipe dream, Doucette.
And really, because I linked to everyone else today:
Zolton is off to Vegas. Which means that Sunday afternoon I have to go to the airport, steal his car, and replace it with a hemaphrodite elephant.
By the way, you may have noticed
Today's blog is chock-full o' inside jokes. So those of you who are somewhat confused, just enjoy your personal section. Those of you who are completely confused...clearly, I don't like you as much as you think I do.
Allright, all right...I'm back! Stop throwing fucking rocks at my window!
Furry, this is only for you as you are the expert
Toilet Paper Tax
Amy
I was entirely too amused by pigs lips.
BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tax defaulters in southern India are being forced to face the music after city authorities hired drummers to play non-stop outside their homes until they pay up.
Busy Weekend for the Dejennerated DD-Cupped Despot
That's what I've been calling myself around the office these days. It has a nice ring to it, and I already had the nickname "Despot" to work with (*waving hello to the Autocrated Alberti*). So today I am going to be at Catalonis in Rockland where that lady from the Patriot Ledger is coming to see me for that article o' Jenn. Remember that article that started a month ago or so? Yep, still in the works. Which is really cool, especially as Suzette has been so devoted to the article despite her daughter giving birth to a brand new human (well, I presume it's a human. Given how Suzette describes the length of the pregnancy, it could be an elephant.) And really, any form of news media that has been in production for more than a month should clearly be labeled an opus.
Oh, and on top of the super-cool-article, a scout from a different comedy club is coming out to see me. So, as this place is a little on the cleaner side, I'm thinking "sloppy congo line" is not going to be let out to play tonight.
And then.....not to be topped.....I'm going up to Exeter tomorrow! Which surprisingly, is not a book from the Bible. It's actually a smallish town in New Hampshire. And what would one do in a place called Exeter? Well, stand-up comedy, you silly goose. And stand-up comedy on an ALL LADIES bill. I'm sure I could make some form of "see New Hampshire's finest peaks" joke, but I'm entirely too classy for that.
And I've found the only tolerable and highly amusing way to keep up-to-date on the day-to-day antics of the Michael Jackson trial
Gene's blog. Tune in today for a snippet from Michael Jackson's diary.
Though, really, that asshat doesn't deserve a link from me today
Because he told me I'm no good at obsessing. Way to shatter a girl's Jackie the Ripper pipe dream, Doucette.
And really, because I linked to everyone else today:
Zolton is off to Vegas. Which means that Sunday afternoon I have to go to the airport, steal his car, and replace it with a hemaphrodite elephant.
By the way, you may have noticed
Today's blog is chock-full o' inside jokes. So those of you who are somewhat confused, just enjoy your personal section. Those of you who are completely confused...clearly, I don't like you as much as you think I do.
I got more on the shelf today, but here's a little teaser:
Store clerk laughs away robber wearing Pluto Mask
Police Sgt. Dave Kovach said the clerk's response was ill-advised and dangerous, even if it foiled the robbery.
"Pluto could have been a strung-out heroin addict," Kovach said. "You never know."
Dispatches from an Inmate's Rectum
Inmate sued for giving another inmate laxatives instead of cold medicine
I'll be back later, preferably not at a time when the only people who are up are street strumpets and random members of the undead.
Store clerk laughs away robber wearing Pluto Mask
Police Sgt. Dave Kovach said the clerk's response was ill-advised and dangerous, even if it foiled the robbery.
"Pluto could have been a strung-out heroin addict," Kovach said. "You never know."
Dispatches from an Inmate's Rectum
Inmate sued for giving another inmate laxatives instead of cold medicine
I'll be back later, preferably not at a time when the only people who are up are street strumpets and random members of the undead.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Short blog today
Sick and busy.
But I wanted to bring you....SEMEN-PALOOZA!
Teen sends student semen-covered brownies
and
Ex-dentist may face charges in semen case
I find it a tad disturbing that the word "may" made it into the headline.
Sick and busy.
But I wanted to bring you....SEMEN-PALOOZA!
Teen sends student semen-covered brownies
and
Ex-dentist may face charges in semen case
I find it a tad disturbing that the word "may" made it into the headline.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
This just in
Im still sick. AND I just woke up like a little while ago. This means, given my consistent state o' insomnia, my next scheduled sleep break will be around Flag Day. So anyone who needs a late night Grand Slam Breakfast at Dennys, ice cream and pickles run, or is expecting a large cocaine barge to pull into Boston Harbor at 3:00 a.m....I'm your lady.
So I guess it's time to do this now.
Because it's written law somewhere that all bloggers have to make a list of things about themselves, I'm going to do the same because I have no other shit on the shelf for today. Now, most bloggers choose a nice, cute number like "101 things about me" or "50 Things about me." I'm not going that route. Instead, I'm choosing a more amusing number....69, because for whatever reason the number 69 makes my friend Furry laugh (hopefully not when she's IN a 69, because that would be a good way to choke). So, here we go.
69 Jenn Items of the Random Shit Persuasion
1) I first did stand-up when I was 17.
2) I have a 15 minute joke on chicken wings, pizza, and inside-out condoms that ONLY works in one specific comedy joint near Buffalo.
3) All four of my grandparents are still alive and well
4) The last couple years, I've gotten a Christmas Card from the actor who played The Creature from the Black Lagoon (Ben Chapman)
5) I have an odd attraction for spiders and have owned 6 tarantualas....one was the size of a dinner plate
6) I have two friends named Furry and Sharkie, and they call me Sheepie because they think I fuck sheep.
7) I once had a book of my poetry published which you will never, NEVER see.
8) My first humor book came out when I was 20 and was entitled How to Survive a Small Town Without Being Trampled by a Cow. You will also never see it.
9) I had a pet fiddler crab.
10) Every time I have my writing analyzed by one of those machines that determine the gender of author, it comes back with a 92-98% certainty that I'm a male writer.
11) My 4 hours of sleep a night is not due to insomnia. My periods of REM sleep are much longer than a normal person, and I therefore need less sleep.
12) My mother at one point kept a dead monkey in our freezer.
13) My mom teaches gross anatomy (the class with human cadavers), and I made her give me a lesson. I thought the body looked like meatloaf with eyes.
14) I'm vegetarian for no specific reason whatsoever...except of course that I think meatloaf looks like a cadaver.
15) I have never been hungover in my life
16) But I still have a story that involves a scorpion bowl and walking into a cement pole in the subway
17) When I was in 7th grade I thought Japan was near Cuba. I still got an A in geography despite this.
18) I have a photographic memory.
19) I read VERY fast...usually about 100 pages an hour, depending on the print.
20) Even though I like a lot of comedic tv shows very much, the only two I consistently laugh at are Seinfeld and South Park
21) My worst comedy gig was opening for a pig judging competition at a state fair.
22) Non-drowsy medication makes me drowsy but caffeine has no effect on me whatsover
23) I have no desire whatsoever to have kids or one of those husband things.
24) I dated a gay man who ran off with a guy from my ballet class
25) I was a boxer and kick-boxer.
26) I dogsled.
27) I was starting center for my high school basketball team.
28) I named my dog after Cartman's pig in South Park (Fluffy)
29) I have over 3000 videos and 500 or so DVDs. About 30% of them I have never seen.
30) I was once in The Rocky Horror Picture Show cast
31) My brother used to collect reptiles and they would often escape. Most of the time, I would find them later. In my bed. At like 3:00 in the morning.
32) I started an all lady comedy improv troupe in Buffalo.
33) I never want to do improv again, but I miss it.
34) I have had 16 websites in my time.
35) One of these websites was exclusively devoted to hating the Scream movies.
36) Even though I hated Scream, I saw it and all its sequels in the theater.
37) I get random vendettas for certain movies, which I probably should have mentioned 5 points ago.
38) I have filmed 5 cartoon films which were featured on an independent moviemakers television network. These you might see.
39) I have not slept in my bed in months. I sleep on my futon in my living room.
40) Every computer chair I've owned I break within a year. I'm also proficient at breaking beds.
41) I took piano lessons for 13 years and know not one song by heart.
42) I seem only to be capable of keeping most female friends for the short term, guy friends I keep forever.
43) I'm thinking the previous point is because I use phrases like "cuntastic" and "twataculer." Guys like that. Girls? Not so much.
44) I moved to Boston 4 years ago. I still have four boxes I haven't unpacked yet.
45) I still have an Atari hooked up to my TV. I fear change.
46) I only got 2 wisdom teeth
47) The first time I actually got drunk was New Years Eve 2000.
48) I have a publication called Shit Weekly on my writer's resume.
49) I've interviewed an Emmy winning make-up artist.
50) I am VERY flexible and can still do a center split on command.
51) I kickass on rollerblades and played roller hockey.
52) My mother used to "bring her work home with her". This is how a found a frog's heart in a petri dish (still beating) on the kitchen counter.
53) They actually accepted me into pharmacy school. You know, with all the pills and stuff. Silly university.
54) I'm pretty sure I am incapable of envy.
55) If I could time travel, I'd want to be in an old west shoot-out. You know, providing I don't get shot or anything.
56) I read Confederacy of Dunces and The Hitchhikers' Guide the the Galaxy at least once every two years or so.
57) Every week, I spend about $50 or so a week on new movies, but still order shit from Netflix because I got nothing to watch.
58) I don't like chocolate.
59) I collect tarot cards (and read them) even though I don't believe in them whatsoever.
60) I am capable of watching an entire movie that is in a language I don't speak with no subtitles: see The Turkish Wizard of Oz and The Turkish Star Wars.
61) The most hilarious movie titles on my shelf are a tossup between Violent Shit and The Curse of the Queerwolf.
62) I am surely the only heterosexual woman that has a Russ Meyer fetish.
63) My hallway has an eclectic miss of weirdo movie posters. Among them are The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill! and Glen or Glenda?
64) I have spent more than one night in a yurt.
65) I have not vomited since I was 8.
66) The first sitcom script I wrote when I was 19 almost got picked up by a network.
67) Every guy I've dated has had a birthday within 3 days of each other.
68) I've been in a Weeniemobile
69) I have a dream about starring in a Shakespeare play in French even though I do not know French nor can I do any sort of drama whatsover.
Shit. That took a lot longer than I thought.
Im still sick. AND I just woke up like a little while ago. This means, given my consistent state o' insomnia, my next scheduled sleep break will be around Flag Day. So anyone who needs a late night Grand Slam Breakfast at Dennys, ice cream and pickles run, or is expecting a large cocaine barge to pull into Boston Harbor at 3:00 a.m....I'm your lady.
So I guess it's time to do this now.
Because it's written law somewhere that all bloggers have to make a list of things about themselves, I'm going to do the same because I have no other shit on the shelf for today. Now, most bloggers choose a nice, cute number like "101 things about me" or "50 Things about me." I'm not going that route. Instead, I'm choosing a more amusing number....69, because for whatever reason the number 69 makes my friend Furry laugh (hopefully not when she's IN a 69, because that would be a good way to choke). So, here we go.
69 Jenn Items of the Random Shit Persuasion
1) I first did stand-up when I was 17.
2) I have a 15 minute joke on chicken wings, pizza, and inside-out condoms that ONLY works in one specific comedy joint near Buffalo.
3) All four of my grandparents are still alive and well
4) The last couple years, I've gotten a Christmas Card from the actor who played The Creature from the Black Lagoon (Ben Chapman)
5) I have an odd attraction for spiders and have owned 6 tarantualas....one was the size of a dinner plate
6) I have two friends named Furry and Sharkie, and they call me Sheepie because they think I fuck sheep.
7) I once had a book of my poetry published which you will never, NEVER see.
8) My first humor book came out when I was 20 and was entitled How to Survive a Small Town Without Being Trampled by a Cow. You will also never see it.
9) I had a pet fiddler crab.
10) Every time I have my writing analyzed by one of those machines that determine the gender of author, it comes back with a 92-98% certainty that I'm a male writer.
11) My 4 hours of sleep a night is not due to insomnia. My periods of REM sleep are much longer than a normal person, and I therefore need less sleep.
12) My mother at one point kept a dead monkey in our freezer.
13) My mom teaches gross anatomy (the class with human cadavers), and I made her give me a lesson. I thought the body looked like meatloaf with eyes.
14) I'm vegetarian for no specific reason whatsoever...except of course that I think meatloaf looks like a cadaver.
15) I have never been hungover in my life
16) But I still have a story that involves a scorpion bowl and walking into a cement pole in the subway
17) When I was in 7th grade I thought Japan was near Cuba. I still got an A in geography despite this.
18) I have a photographic memory.
19) I read VERY fast...usually about 100 pages an hour, depending on the print.
20) Even though I like a lot of comedic tv shows very much, the only two I consistently laugh at are Seinfeld and South Park
21) My worst comedy gig was opening for a pig judging competition at a state fair.
22) Non-drowsy medication makes me drowsy but caffeine has no effect on me whatsover
23) I have no desire whatsoever to have kids or one of those husband things.
24) I dated a gay man who ran off with a guy from my ballet class
25) I was a boxer and kick-boxer.
26) I dogsled.
27) I was starting center for my high school basketball team.
28) I named my dog after Cartman's pig in South Park (Fluffy)
29) I have over 3000 videos and 500 or so DVDs. About 30% of them I have never seen.
30) I was once in The Rocky Horror Picture Show cast
31) My brother used to collect reptiles and they would often escape. Most of the time, I would find them later. In my bed. At like 3:00 in the morning.
32) I started an all lady comedy improv troupe in Buffalo.
33) I never want to do improv again, but I miss it.
34) I have had 16 websites in my time.
35) One of these websites was exclusively devoted to hating the Scream movies.
36) Even though I hated Scream, I saw it and all its sequels in the theater.
37) I get random vendettas for certain movies, which I probably should have mentioned 5 points ago.
38) I have filmed 5 cartoon films which were featured on an independent moviemakers television network. These you might see.
39) I have not slept in my bed in months. I sleep on my futon in my living room.
40) Every computer chair I've owned I break within a year. I'm also proficient at breaking beds.
41) I took piano lessons for 13 years and know not one song by heart.
42) I seem only to be capable of keeping most female friends for the short term, guy friends I keep forever.
43) I'm thinking the previous point is because I use phrases like "cuntastic" and "twataculer." Guys like that. Girls? Not so much.
44) I moved to Boston 4 years ago. I still have four boxes I haven't unpacked yet.
45) I still have an Atari hooked up to my TV. I fear change.
46) I only got 2 wisdom teeth
47) The first time I actually got drunk was New Years Eve 2000.
48) I have a publication called Shit Weekly on my writer's resume.
49) I've interviewed an Emmy winning make-up artist.
50) I am VERY flexible and can still do a center split on command.
51) I kickass on rollerblades and played roller hockey.
52) My mother used to "bring her work home with her". This is how a found a frog's heart in a petri dish (still beating) on the kitchen counter.
53) They actually accepted me into pharmacy school. You know, with all the pills and stuff. Silly university.
54) I'm pretty sure I am incapable of envy.
55) If I could time travel, I'd want to be in an old west shoot-out. You know, providing I don't get shot or anything.
56) I read Confederacy of Dunces and The Hitchhikers' Guide the the Galaxy at least once every two years or so.
57) Every week, I spend about $50 or so a week on new movies, but still order shit from Netflix because I got nothing to watch.
58) I don't like chocolate.
59) I collect tarot cards (and read them) even though I don't believe in them whatsoever.
60) I am capable of watching an entire movie that is in a language I don't speak with no subtitles: see The Turkish Wizard of Oz and The Turkish Star Wars.
61) The most hilarious movie titles on my shelf are a tossup between Violent Shit and The Curse of the Queerwolf.
62) I am surely the only heterosexual woman that has a Russ Meyer fetish.
63) My hallway has an eclectic miss of weirdo movie posters. Among them are The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill! and Glen or Glenda?
64) I have spent more than one night in a yurt.
65) I have not vomited since I was 8.
66) The first sitcom script I wrote when I was 19 almost got picked up by a network.
67) Every guy I've dated has had a birthday within 3 days of each other.
68) I've been in a Weeniemobile
69) I have a dream about starring in a Shakespeare play in French even though I do not know French nor can I do any sort of drama whatsover.
Shit. That took a lot longer than I thought.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Day 2 of Mucus Monsoon
Holy crap. This thing is relentless. Between the continuous tear duct expulsions and the river of green goop that has entered my ear canal, it won't be long until I become Helen Keller.
And I bet you think I'm going to make another bitch post
Well, you'd be wrong, fuckwit. Because I am in a state of euphoria from my gig at Kennedys last night. Well "gig" is probably an incorrect term as that would imply there was an audience, so we'll just use the phrase "stand-up comedy" as I was in fact standing up and doing comedy for a couple minutes before I drowned in the barrage of phlegm. While there is nothing quite like performing in front of a packed audience, there is something also desirable about a gig like Kennedys because you get to hang out with comics you know, meet a couple comics you've heard of but haven't met yet, and perform with no real laughter response, but no pressure either...all with a bar within 3 feet of staggering distance. I can think of worse ways to spend a Monday.
The best part of these types of workshoppy shows is that we still hold an "aftershow." The aftershows --for me anyway -- are the best part of being a comic, especially when it involves comics who are at least as fucked up as I am. Of course I'm talking about Zolton. You may remember Zolton from the beeswax candle/bumblefuck candle serenade on Thursday. Well, in efforts to outdo ourselves we had a two hour conversation on a total of three topics which are:
I'm really just linking to this for the size of the implants
Casino buys 69-HH stripper implants
Look...I don't care what you do with Helter Skelter, Paradise Lost, and The Anarchists Cookbook...as long as you use the Dewey Decimal System freshly showered.
Library to ban smelly people
Holy crap. This thing is relentless. Between the continuous tear duct expulsions and the river of green goop that has entered my ear canal, it won't be long until I become Helen Keller.
And I bet you think I'm going to make another bitch post
Well, you'd be wrong, fuckwit. Because I am in a state of euphoria from my gig at Kennedys last night. Well "gig" is probably an incorrect term as that would imply there was an audience, so we'll just use the phrase "stand-up comedy" as I was in fact standing up and doing comedy for a couple minutes before I drowned in the barrage of phlegm. While there is nothing quite like performing in front of a packed audience, there is something also desirable about a gig like Kennedys because you get to hang out with comics you know, meet a couple comics you've heard of but haven't met yet, and perform with no real laughter response, but no pressure either...all with a bar within 3 feet of staggering distance. I can think of worse ways to spend a Monday.
The best part of these types of workshoppy shows is that we still hold an "aftershow." The aftershows --for me anyway -- are the best part of being a comic, especially when it involves comics who are at least as fucked up as I am. Of course I'm talking about Zolton. You may remember Zolton from the beeswax candle/bumblefuck candle serenade on Thursday. Well, in efforts to outdo ourselves we had a two hour conversation on a total of three topics which are:
- fucking plants
- fucking dead animals (and recycling them for later use to save the environment.)
- fucking blocks of government cheese
I'm really just linking to this for the size of the implants
Casino buys 69-HH stripper implants
Look...I don't care what you do with Helter Skelter, Paradise Lost, and The Anarchists Cookbook...as long as you use the Dewey Decimal System freshly showered.
Library to ban smelly people
Monday, March 07, 2005
A New Sleeping Disorder from the virus that brought you Booger Blizzard
So, now I have a new sleep disorder entirely. Namely, I can't seem to sleep with my head in any position that does not include it being upright in a computer chair. Any time I put my head in any angle that is not 90 degrees, the snot avalanche cascades down into my nasal packages and I feel like I'm experiencing auto-erotic aphixiation without all the erect nipples and boners. So, hence, the reason I am blogging yet again at an obscene time of evening.
Law and Order: Trial by Blurry
Anybody see this? I got one question. Um, exactly how is this any different from the original Law and Order? Because, really? I see no change whatsoever. I mean it was good and all that as all Law and Orders essentially are (except Criminal Intent....what's the status on getting that syndicated to The Golf Channel or something?). I mean SVU had staying power because it was truly unique as they are constantly willing to put really fucked up crimes on that show...because, you know, it's not enough that someone rapes a 66-year-old homeless guy with a penny loafer and a toaster, but the toaster had to be plugged in and overheating to boot and the rapist had to be the bank teller that foreclosed on the homeless guy's house 23 years ago just so she could have a lesbo-oriented circle jerk with his wife and her 3 sisters. You know, realistic crimes you hear about every day.
Even Criminal Intent has it's own unique niche, which of course is that no one knows what the hell the niche is. The concept of Criminal Intent is really, really weak because, um, doesn't most pre-meditated crimes have criminal intent? Actually, isn't that the definition of "pre-meditated?" Of course, the writers realize this snafu and manage to cover this up by, again, incorporating really fucked up crimes, showing a lot more of the fucked up person who committed the crime, and a lot of Vincent D; Onofrio as a really creepy ass cop. Because, you know, the heinous crimes are simply not disturbing enough.....we need a cop who needs a Zoloft IV on top of it.
Trial By Jury --and I think I was with most of y'all in this process -- seemed like I was suppose to emphasize the defense. Which is an interesting concept, but one I don't think it would work due to the design of the show. You see, for Law and Order to work, it needs cohesion of the whole LAW and ORDER. But now the ORDER part is going to be the defense which goes against the LAW. And that wouldn't work. But, no matter, because they didn't go with the whole concept they were pimping anyway. Instead, it was back to the original Law and Order formula with a little more emphasis on the courtroom. I'm banking it will last a season...especially in a Friday night slot.
Personally? I'm in on Law and Order: Narcotics Division.
And I know I'm not alone in this...
Full House really needs to be taken off Nick at Nite's agenda. Really.....is there anyone on this planet over the age of Mary Kate and Ashley worshipping who wants to say "Hello Again" to Full House?
Yes, I'm crabby
I am a mucus waterfall. But, hey, I'll still be at Kennedys tonight doing comedy. Should be a fun, nostril-pea-soup spewing evening.
So, now I have a new sleep disorder entirely. Namely, I can't seem to sleep with my head in any position that does not include it being upright in a computer chair. Any time I put my head in any angle that is not 90 degrees, the snot avalanche cascades down into my nasal packages and I feel like I'm experiencing auto-erotic aphixiation without all the erect nipples and boners. So, hence, the reason I am blogging yet again at an obscene time of evening.
Law and Order: Trial by Blurry
Anybody see this? I got one question. Um, exactly how is this any different from the original Law and Order? Because, really? I see no change whatsoever. I mean it was good and all that as all Law and Orders essentially are (except Criminal Intent....what's the status on getting that syndicated to The Golf Channel or something?). I mean SVU had staying power because it was truly unique as they are constantly willing to put really fucked up crimes on that show...because, you know, it's not enough that someone rapes a 66-year-old homeless guy with a penny loafer and a toaster, but the toaster had to be plugged in and overheating to boot and the rapist had to be the bank teller that foreclosed on the homeless guy's house 23 years ago just so she could have a lesbo-oriented circle jerk with his wife and her 3 sisters. You know, realistic crimes you hear about every day.
Even Criminal Intent has it's own unique niche, which of course is that no one knows what the hell the niche is. The concept of Criminal Intent is really, really weak because, um, doesn't most pre-meditated crimes have criminal intent? Actually, isn't that the definition of "pre-meditated?" Of course, the writers realize this snafu and manage to cover this up by, again, incorporating really fucked up crimes, showing a lot more of the fucked up person who committed the crime, and a lot of Vincent D; Onofrio as a really creepy ass cop. Because, you know, the heinous crimes are simply not disturbing enough.....we need a cop who needs a Zoloft IV on top of it.
Trial By Jury --and I think I was with most of y'all in this process -- seemed like I was suppose to emphasize the defense. Which is an interesting concept, but one I don't think it would work due to the design of the show. You see, for Law and Order to work, it needs cohesion of the whole LAW and ORDER. But now the ORDER part is going to be the defense which goes against the LAW. And that wouldn't work. But, no matter, because they didn't go with the whole concept they were pimping anyway. Instead, it was back to the original Law and Order formula with a little more emphasis on the courtroom. I'm banking it will last a season...especially in a Friday night slot.
Personally? I'm in on Law and Order: Narcotics Division.
And I know I'm not alone in this...
Full House really needs to be taken off Nick at Nite's agenda. Really.....is there anyone on this planet over the age of Mary Kate and Ashley worshipping who wants to say "Hello Again" to Full House?
Yes, I'm crabby
I am a mucus waterfall. But, hey, I'll still be at Kennedys tonight doing comedy. Should be a fun, nostril-pea-soup spewing evening.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Booger Blizzard
Yep, I'm sick. Rest assured, it's nothing life threatening as it appears to be just a cold. But it's one of those colds that is tolerable now, but by Wednesday or so I'll have to resort to snorting Drano. Not to mention, all the people around me who have been diagnosed as having "just a cold" at the beginning of the week has had their symptoms multiply exponentially so that by Saturday they are diagnosed with "we're almost sure it's not lung cancer." Which might work out because then I can have the stage name "The Iron Lung" in which I can then be billed with The Streetwhore Named Desire , Zolton: The Latino Maid, and Gallagher.
And I bet you didn't know Gallagher was still in business
That's what I'm here for.....to amuse AND inform.
That is one tough pussy
Cat survives 10-mile ride on top of car
Yep, I'm sick. Rest assured, it's nothing life threatening as it appears to be just a cold. But it's one of those colds that is tolerable now, but by Wednesday or so I'll have to resort to snorting Drano. Not to mention, all the people around me who have been diagnosed as having "just a cold" at the beginning of the week has had their symptoms multiply exponentially so that by Saturday they are diagnosed with "we're almost sure it's not lung cancer." Which might work out because then I can have the stage name "The Iron Lung" in which I can then be billed with The Streetwhore Named Desire , Zolton: The Latino Maid, and Gallagher.
And I bet you didn't know Gallagher was still in business
That's what I'm here for.....to amuse AND inform.
That is one tough pussy
Cat survives 10-mile ride on top of car
Friday, March 04, 2005
A load of, er, something.
Ah-Ha! Finally, something to report that is at least mildly amusing. So I went The Comedy Studio last night to see Zolton: The Latino Maid. As always, the professional show was great, but the post-show entertainment was really...in my opinion..."the show." Now, I could sit here and weave tales of post-show discussions of rape showers, butter lambs, and parallel parking in elephant vaginas, but I'm not striving for mundane. Instead, the topic of note stemmed from the slightly offensive aspects of my comedy act. By this of course, I mean my bit about the prisoner with the lightbulb up his ass. Now for those of you who do not know the bit, I wouldn't dream of spoiling it for you. All you need to know really is that 1) I worked in a prison and 2) prisoners tend to do odd things, such as sticking lightbulbs up their ass. As this is one of my staple bits that seem to work regardless of the audience, I do it quite often.
So I mentioned to Zolton that I got a road gig out in Pennsyltucky in April, in which he said (out of sheer jealousy, mind you), that it was out in Amish Country. I stated that this was no matter, I'll just use my A-list material, which involves the lightbub joke. The problem is....if you are up-to-date on Amish folklore...the Amish are not particularly well-known for their use of electrically lighting devices, which may bode very poorly for my punchline. So we spent a great majority of the evening thinking of an Amish-friendly device that one would come in contact in a prison (Zolton suggested an 18th century butter churner. Obviously, his view of prison is a plantation in Wisconsin). So, I came up with a beeswax candle (I almost suggested a menorah, but the Amish do not strike me as large Hanukkah buffs). So now, to appease Lord Zoltron, I not only have to change my joke in Pennsyltucky to "beeswax candle" but also videotape the experience to prove that I didn't pussy out. Oh....this should go swimmingly.
By the way, after multiple drinks of the alcoholic persuasion, "beeswax candles" gradually became "bumblefuck candles", which strikes me as an untapped decorative candle market. I would invest in Yankee Candle stock if I knew they were selling wax o' bumblefuckery.
By the way, Gene...
rest assured that Zolton has only temporarily de-throned you as "the funny friend I must link to at least once every other blog." I'm really just enjoying mentioning the word "Zolton" in my blog. However, as I have no attention span, I'm sure I'll be sick of him soon and return to linking to you for random, non-sequitur reasons. Thank you for your patience.
Ah-Ha! Finally, something to report that is at least mildly amusing. So I went The Comedy Studio last night to see Zolton: The Latino Maid. As always, the professional show was great, but the post-show entertainment was really...in my opinion..."the show." Now, I could sit here and weave tales of post-show discussions of rape showers, butter lambs, and parallel parking in elephant vaginas, but I'm not striving for mundane. Instead, the topic of note stemmed from the slightly offensive aspects of my comedy act. By this of course, I mean my bit about the prisoner with the lightbulb up his ass. Now for those of you who do not know the bit, I wouldn't dream of spoiling it for you. All you need to know really is that 1) I worked in a prison and 2) prisoners tend to do odd things, such as sticking lightbulbs up their ass. As this is one of my staple bits that seem to work regardless of the audience, I do it quite often.
So I mentioned to Zolton that I got a road gig out in Pennsyltucky in April, in which he said (out of sheer jealousy, mind you), that it was out in Amish Country. I stated that this was no matter, I'll just use my A-list material, which involves the lightbub joke. The problem is....if you are up-to-date on Amish folklore...the Amish are not particularly well-known for their use of electrically lighting devices, which may bode very poorly for my punchline. So we spent a great majority of the evening thinking of an Amish-friendly device that one would come in contact in a prison (Zolton suggested an 18th century butter churner. Obviously, his view of prison is a plantation in Wisconsin). So, I came up with a beeswax candle (I almost suggested a menorah, but the Amish do not strike me as large Hanukkah buffs). So now, to appease Lord Zoltron, I not only have to change my joke in Pennsyltucky to "beeswax candle" but also videotape the experience to prove that I didn't pussy out. Oh....this should go swimmingly.
By the way, after multiple drinks of the alcoholic persuasion, "beeswax candles" gradually became "bumblefuck candles", which strikes me as an untapped decorative candle market. I would invest in Yankee Candle stock if I knew they were selling wax o' bumblefuckery.
By the way, Gene...
rest assured that Zolton has only temporarily de-throned you as "the funny friend I must link to at least once every other blog." I'm really just enjoying mentioning the word "Zolton" in my blog. However, as I have no attention span, I'm sure I'll be sick of him soon and return to linking to you for random, non-sequitur reasons. Thank you for your patience.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Slow week
Honestly? I don't have much to share with you people this week. I don't have any shows this week because I was pulling the sitcom scripts out of my arse, I haven't watched any new Netflix movies to bitch about, and I really haven't had anything interesting happen that was worth a moderate mention. Oh, but hey....I got my taxes done. Is that exciting enough? No? Well, hell with you all.
On a positive note, I'm probably going to The Comedy Studio tonight to visit Charlie Hatton: the Latino Maid in Training (you will have to email him for details), so something will likely happen tonight that is at least remotely blog-worthy. Until then, I''ll leave you with these two links.
Is this really considered "news" in Wisconsin?
Man has sex with a cow
Tonight on "Internet Fucktards"
Breast Implant sold on Ebay
Honestly? I don't have much to share with you people this week. I don't have any shows this week because I was pulling the sitcom scripts out of my arse, I haven't watched any new Netflix movies to bitch about, and I really haven't had anything interesting happen that was worth a moderate mention. Oh, but hey....I got my taxes done. Is that exciting enough? No? Well, hell with you all.
On a positive note, I'm probably going to The Comedy Studio tonight to visit Charlie Hatton: the Latino Maid in Training (you will have to email him for details), so something will likely happen tonight that is at least remotely blog-worthy. Until then, I''ll leave you with these two links.
Is this really considered "news" in Wisconsin?
Man has sex with a cow
Tonight on "Internet Fucktards"
Breast Implant sold on Ebay
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Oh, look...the seventh seal ripped open
New beauty pageant: Miss HIV
Obviously, this guy had a busy afternoon:
Naked man threatens neighbors with sword
Naked man covered in nachos
So, apparently my body has decided sleep is optional
In the last couple of weeks or so my body has simply decided all by itself that I do not need sleep at all. I have always been a rather sleepless person with my normal sleep time averaging about 4-5 hours per night. But I just assumed I was a person who simply does not need much sleep, especially since I've never had any undesirable side effects from it such as navigating my car periodically off a cliff or regularly drinking my Columbian blend out of the coffee pot via a crazy straw. But in the last few weeks my body has simply decided that it is entirely too busy to waste a whole 1/6 of a day on napping, so I'm now averaging about 3-4 hours per night with no increase in sleepiness. This would be great if I had something worthwhile to do for the extra hour like, say, ending world hunger or researching cures for the common cold, but I don't. Instead I have things that I could be doing but are simply not natural to do so soon after the witching hour, such as cleaning a recently purchased quart of strawberries or scrubbing the soap scum off my shower curtain. Doing these things this late in the evening strikes me as something an old lady with 65 cats would do, and that is not a persona I really want to have yet. So instead, I waste my extra hour per day watching infomercials, partially on the hunt for comic fodder and partially so it will put me in a coma (which currently is the most effective cure for insomnia). Currently, I recommend the one for Miracle Spring Water. This "water from the Lord" apparently heals everything from obesity to end-stage leprosy in one dose. So, it's like a really well-rounded penicillin without all the mold by-products. And some may convert themselves into wine if left unattended, which is why (I assume) it is sold "as is."
New beauty pageant: Miss HIV
Obviously, this guy had a busy afternoon:
Naked man threatens neighbors with sword
Naked man covered in nachos
So, apparently my body has decided sleep is optional
In the last couple of weeks or so my body has simply decided all by itself that I do not need sleep at all. I have always been a rather sleepless person with my normal sleep time averaging about 4-5 hours per night. But I just assumed I was a person who simply does not need much sleep, especially since I've never had any undesirable side effects from it such as navigating my car periodically off a cliff or regularly drinking my Columbian blend out of the coffee pot via a crazy straw. But in the last few weeks my body has simply decided that it is entirely too busy to waste a whole 1/6 of a day on napping, so I'm now averaging about 3-4 hours per night with no increase in sleepiness. This would be great if I had something worthwhile to do for the extra hour like, say, ending world hunger or researching cures for the common cold, but I don't. Instead I have things that I could be doing but are simply not natural to do so soon after the witching hour, such as cleaning a recently purchased quart of strawberries or scrubbing the soap scum off my shower curtain. Doing these things this late in the evening strikes me as something an old lady with 65 cats would do, and that is not a persona I really want to have yet. So instead, I waste my extra hour per day watching infomercials, partially on the hunt for comic fodder and partially so it will put me in a coma (which currently is the most effective cure for insomnia). Currently, I recommend the one for Miracle Spring Water. This "water from the Lord" apparently heals everything from obesity to end-stage leprosy in one dose. So, it's like a really well-rounded penicillin without all the mold by-products. And some may convert themselves into wine if left unattended, which is why (I assume) it is sold "as is."
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
My "Ummm....what???" moment of the day
Go to www.thesaurus.com and type in "journal." One of the synonyms for journal that comes up is "toilet paper." This makes me really, really glad that I was not the one who found Anne Rice's diary.
Go to www.thesaurus.com and type in "journal." One of the synonyms for journal that comes up is "toilet paper." This makes me really, really glad that I was not the one who found Anne Rice's diary.
Sorry for the unexpected lapse in blogging
Yesterday I had one of "those days." You see, this weekend I managed to get a flat in my tire. This is no big deal, however on my way to get the tire changed, I got a flat in the doughnut. I didn't even realize it was possible to get a flat in your doughnut especially as the doughnut does not have an air valve.
As you might imagine, if one gets a flat in his or her doughnut, there's not a whole lot of buffer as doughnuts have about half as much rubber as their full-sized counterparts. So by the time I pulled over, I ended up turning my inner rim into a half circle. I was in West Roxbury at the time, so I had my car towed to the nearest station to get two new tires and a new rim. However, as it was Saturday, they could not get the rim until Monday as tire rims are apparently kept in a time lock vault that is only opened during bank hours. Now I ask you...have you ever tried to get from the South Shore to West Roxbury with no vehicle, during Monday morning rush hour, and a threat of a snow storm? It's not easy. Two taxis, two subways, and at least two $20 bills were involved.
But, apparently, there was some award ceremony this weekend
I'm not sure exactly when I stopped caring about the Oscars, but it's a fairly new development. Being a member of Those Who Went to Film School, I always used the Oscars as my proverbial Whipping Boy and spend the better part of my year in a holier-than-thou rage which often includes the atrocities of some David-Lynch masterpiece being passed over to give Tom Hanks another dust collector. But this year, there was no rage as I simply didn't care. The reason I didn't care was due to the fact that I saw nothing this year with the exception of Million Dollar Baby. I didn't even see Sideways despite the fact that numerous people claim I HAVE to see it (just as a general rule, when numerous people claim that I HAVE to see something, it generally means there will be 2 more hours of my life that I wish I had back, otherwise known as The Fargo Syndrome). The Oscars are such a dog-and-pony show anyway, and films that actually have artistic integrity never win (otherwise known as The Mulholland Drive Syndrome), just so films that the bulk of the uninformed public decides that they like very, very much regardless of depth, plot holes, or unresolved character arcs take all the glory (otherwise known as Gladiator Syndrome). So I just decided I no longer care, which has done wonders for my Seasonal Affective Disorder.
But The Razzies? That shit is quality entertainment
George W. Bush and Rumsfeld as Worst Lead and Supporting Actors in Fahrenheit 9-11? And Condoleeza Rice and His Pet Goat were Worst On-Screen Couple? BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Yesterday I had one of "those days." You see, this weekend I managed to get a flat in my tire. This is no big deal, however on my way to get the tire changed, I got a flat in the doughnut. I didn't even realize it was possible to get a flat in your doughnut especially as the doughnut does not have an air valve.
As you might imagine, if one gets a flat in his or her doughnut, there's not a whole lot of buffer as doughnuts have about half as much rubber as their full-sized counterparts. So by the time I pulled over, I ended up turning my inner rim into a half circle. I was in West Roxbury at the time, so I had my car towed to the nearest station to get two new tires and a new rim. However, as it was Saturday, they could not get the rim until Monday as tire rims are apparently kept in a time lock vault that is only opened during bank hours. Now I ask you...have you ever tried to get from the South Shore to West Roxbury with no vehicle, during Monday morning rush hour, and a threat of a snow storm? It's not easy. Two taxis, two subways, and at least two $20 bills were involved.
But, apparently, there was some award ceremony this weekend
I'm not sure exactly when I stopped caring about the Oscars, but it's a fairly new development. Being a member of Those Who Went to Film School, I always used the Oscars as my proverbial Whipping Boy and spend the better part of my year in a holier-than-thou rage which often includes the atrocities of some David-Lynch masterpiece being passed over to give Tom Hanks another dust collector. But this year, there was no rage as I simply didn't care. The reason I didn't care was due to the fact that I saw nothing this year with the exception of Million Dollar Baby. I didn't even see Sideways despite the fact that numerous people claim I HAVE to see it (just as a general rule, when numerous people claim that I HAVE to see something, it generally means there will be 2 more hours of my life that I wish I had back, otherwise known as The Fargo Syndrome). The Oscars are such a dog-and-pony show anyway, and films that actually have artistic integrity never win (otherwise known as The Mulholland Drive Syndrome), just so films that the bulk of the uninformed public decides that they like very, very much regardless of depth, plot holes, or unresolved character arcs take all the glory (otherwise known as Gladiator Syndrome). So I just decided I no longer care, which has done wonders for my Seasonal Affective Disorder.
But The Razzies? That shit is quality entertainment
George W. Bush and Rumsfeld as Worst Lead and Supporting Actors in Fahrenheit 9-11? And Condoleeza Rice and His Pet Goat were Worst On-Screen Couple? BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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