DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Happy Birthday, Jenn!
Why thank you, voice in my head. What's my birthday present?

A Dead Law and Order Star
Um...hey....wasn't he suppose to be doing so well? And isn't prostate cancer one of those cancers that has like a 112% survival rate?

This really sucks as I've always had a rather soft spot for Law and Order. Ultimately, it is my favorite show to watch when I am opposed to the concept of thinking. It refused to bust any barriers, didn't learn character development until SVU, or even come close to the realm of realism (unlike, say, Homicide: Life on the Streets). Yet, just like a black and white Universal Monsters movie, it has a familiar and overly predictable formula which always happened to be exactly what you were looking for at that time. Not to mention, my watching of the series has increased exponentially since I left the prison. Apparently, it fills some sort of sociopathic void in my life.

And let's face it, Law and Order just isn't Law and Order without Lenny Briscoe...well if, um, you don't count Law and Order: SVU (Law and Order: Criminal Intent is recognized as a failed experiment gone bad, much like killer bees. It is just a stupid ass concept, and really needs to be syndicated immediately to a station I do not get.) Granted Lenny Briscoe is a two dimensional cartoon character who's only 2-degrees away from Yosemite Sam, but he's such a fixture in the L&O institution that it is generally sad to see him go. RIP Jerry.

And in a classic Jay and Silent Bob-worthy "Oh, Sweet Irony!" moment...
I received two box sets of the Law and Order persuasion for my b-day. Now I can have "Hey...he died! On my birthday!" moments anytime I want! Fucking yay.

But, hey, I saw Phantom of the Opera
I've always loved the Phantom of the Opera since seeing the Lon Chaney, Sr. silent version many, many years ago, as it is just a weird ass little story. The Andrew Lloyd Weber version has a special place in my dark, scabied heart as it took a weird ass little story and made it romantic while keeping most of the horror. Which is rather difficult to do if one is not Anne Rice. So when the movie version came along, I just had to see it. And from the big picture view, it was fantastic. But as I never observe things from the big picture view, there were many, many little things that irked me. And as it is the festivus seasons, here is my airing of grievances regarding the Phantom movie:

1) They changed the fricking plot. Alot. For the most part I liked what they did with it (though the flashback scenes were completely unnecessary as far as I was concerned), but I fail to understand WHY they needed to change it in the first place. I, as well as other devoted Phantom fans, were quite content with the plot in the play. Altering it significantly was completely unnecessary. A classic moment of "if it's not broke, don't fix it."
2) Dubbing worse than Ashlee Simpson. I think most reasonable people know that modern day musicals are made with the actors lip synching and the voices are added later. In general, it's a good idea not to make this apparent. In Phantom, there was often moments where one could tell when the actor was lip synching, most often when Christine was clearly not singing hard enough to reasonably accept the emotional voice coming out of her. And, just for Godzilla fans, there were several moments of off dubbing for your viewing pleasure.
3) Two good singers do not mean they sing well together. I really hate to say this as the singers for Christine and the Phantom were both incredible. However, when they sang in unison, it wasn't so great. It just seemed...off. Granted it is rather difficult to find a voice match for an off the charts soprano and a borderline baratone, but they seemed to manage quite well for the stageplay. One would think they could have found a suitable match, given the posterity feature of celluloid.
4) Speaking of that soprano. Is it just me, or when Christine was singing the "Christine screech" in the Phantom of the Opera theme, did they skimp on a couple of octaves?
5) Reaching out to the Special Ed fans. I was under the impression that the Phantom was supposed to be a dark, handsome-if-one-excuses-the-burns, suave man clearly with most of his senses. Did anyone else think that at the end, the Phantom looked at least mildly retarded? It seemed like giving James Bond a learning disorder.
6) At times I forgot it was a musical. They cut out quite a few musical interludes, which tends to happen when one takes the script of the stage play, mixes it up, and pulls out random pages. And some of the major musical numbers seemed a bit "smaller" than they were supposed to which I don't believe was their intention.

But, in the end, these snafus do not matter as it still managed to be a rather good adaption. Phantom devotees and random people of reason should dig it, but it may get some dissension from those indifferent to the Phantom (curse you all, by the way. May you be force fed Moulin Rouge.) It may pick up best picture this year especially as there is absolutely no other film this year even close to being eligible for any sort of award whatsoever.

posted by Jenn @ 11:13 AM  

George Carlin Checks Himself into Drug Rehab
Which only frightened me after I realized that I am now officially cleaner than my role models.

This is one of those things that I was surprised to hear about, but upon hearing it, thought "shit, THIS hasn't happened yet?" Because he's a comic, and comics do things such as routinely abuse abusable substances. Still, he just doesn't seem to be the "addictive personality" type. But, whatever. I wish him the best, and know he will bounce back in no time.

And um....Viocodin and wine? Who has that substance abuse profile? Is he bunking with a guy hooked on crack and Folgers Espresso?

In case you haven't been paying attention...
Here's a list of notable people who died this year, just so you remember that certain people are dead. I was just reminded that Ray Charles, Alan King, and Jack Paar are dead, which certainly shortens my fantasy Christmas card list.

And Gene, I know there hasn't been a television special on it for at least a week now, so just a reminder...Ronald Reagan is dead.

posted by Jenn @ 8:03 PM  

Partial Inventory of Christmas bounty
1 Homicide Life on the Streets Season 1 and 2 DVD set
1 Futurama box Set
1 Jasper Ffforde book
12 other books ranging from biographies to hobbit dictionaries
Undetermined number of much needed clothes
1 Return of the King Special Edition DVD
1 Lucille Ball movie (Yours, Mine, and Ours)

And that's all I can remember as per my blog yesterday, I am still tipsy on rum balls.

Guy Changes his Name to 'Variable'
He can marry the guy that changed his name a couple months ago to 'They' if the fates allow.

And yet a new candidate has emerged to outseat The Grinch
Dad sells Children's Christmas Toys on Ebay

Coming soon to a stage near you: Trolis and Someone Cheaper than Cressida
Theater can only afford to hire 4 dwarves for Snow White

Merry Boxing Day, everyone!

posted by Jenn @ 7:42 AM  

Up early
I'm blogging early this morning because I can't sleep wondering what Santa brought for me. Oh wait...it's because my family wore me out last night and I went to bed obscenely early. My bad.

Christmas Eve
I went to church for the first time since...uh...sometime. Most of you know that I generally treat the Bible like any other science fiction novel that may have had some bearing in primitive times when people had burning bushes talking to them, but has no place among modern day rational people outside of the Smithsonian Institute. Therefore, as you might imagine, I am not breaking any records with church attendance. But my parents, whose religious beliefs I cannot yet determine as one claims to believe nothing happens after he or she dies but still attends church weekly, raised holy hell when I refused to go to church Easter Sunday. As you might imagine, I am rather proficient at disregarding dissension from Christians, however as I am living in their house for a week (and this secular snafu will be brought up all week), I felt it might be wise to bite the bullet and use the time in Christmas Eve Mass to do more meaningful things such as balancing my checkbook or wallowing in self-loathing.

The truth is, I somewhat enjoy Christmas Eve mass, because I am rather fond of Christmas carols. However, I am not fond of people who can not sing leading the Christmas carols. There must have been at least 300 people stuffed in that church. Surely SOMEONE can hit a low A without sounding like a wounded sloth in heat???

Which brings me to my family. Every Christmas Eve the family gets together and has homemade pierogis as we are Polish and this is what Polish people do. And my grandmother's pierogis are the best around. However, my family is full of exclusively Type A people (the laws of probability fail to exist in Warsaw), and this tends to cause much indigestion. This year, everyone was even more A-ish...Type A+ if you will. Which is relatively good for comic fodder if one does not have a very painful toothache from a root canal one needs (especially when one's brother also has a toothache from a root canal just received). As the night progressed we were double fisting ibuprofen in hopes to cause a cerebral hemorrhage as we hear it can cause incoherence relatively quickly.

Normally, my brother and I are left out of the bitching, but the topic of discussion this year was that my brother has gotten too skinny. Which is ridiculous as 1) He looks amazing 2) Ideal Body Weight has not been seen at any point of our family tree and therefore it is deemed as a myth much like the centaur. So my family proceeded to many logical conclusions such as:
- He caught an anorexia virus
- He is not drinking enough beer
- He is drinking exclusively beer
- He is really an Ethiopian
- He is shagging an Ethiopian (and the anorexia virus was sexually transmitted)
- He has hand, foot, and mouth disease (obviously, only the mouth was affected)
- He does not know how to cook...a crime punishable by death and worse, an ideal body weight

Also, I overheard my grandmother muttering to one of my grandfathers something about me not doing what I went to school for. Which I find very funny as the top level of salary of what I went to school for was approximately two tax brackets ago. Essentially poverty and maxed out credit cards are fine, as long as I'm doing what the holy Dean intended me to.

The silver lining...
I exchange gifts with my one set of grandparents on Christmas Eve and I received Jasper Fforde's new book (Thursday Next series - a detective/Harry Potterish/literary satire in which Thursday Next is a Literary Ops agent with the ability to fall into classic pieces of literature. Very funny, and very smart), and also Homicide Life on the Streets Seasons 1 and 2, which was my favorite show on television for quite some time.

And now....the bigger family gathering.
Next time we talk, I'll be very, very drunk on egg nog and rum balls.

For those interested in mortifying the pre-adolescent on your list
Pubic Hair Wigs

posted by Jenn @ 6:52 AM  

Christians Upset Over "Happy Holidays!"
Basically, the general consensus is they fear that Jesus's birth is being downplayed, and they want everyone to go back to saying "Merry Christmas." I laughed at the arrogance of this. Do Jewish people get upset when non-Jewish people don't wish them a "Happy Passover!" (which, by the way, is the biggest holiday in the Jewish calendar, as pointed out by a former Jewish co-worker. Hanukkah is a very minor holiday that's popularity was pimped not by Jewish people, but by guilty-feeling Christians who saw the Christmas trees be put up in department stores in October, and said "Hey wait....it's Hanukkah too!") Many, many religions/ethnicities have some sort of holiday this time of the year, and many Christians from other countries celebrate New Years Day the way we celebrate Christmas. So with us being the melting pot of society that we are, what is the big fucking problem wishing a generic "Happy Holidays!" to include everyone?

But, I digress.
And as it's the season of giving and all that crap, I'm giving a couple of my friends some free pimps for their website as I didn't buy them anything this year. Hopefully, this will shut them up. (I can dream, can't I?)

GenePoool.com - One of the only webblogs I read, as I generally agree with him on most points. Except for his review on Bad Santa, as I thought it was a shitfest. Though, to be fair, I went in expecting to love it and one shouldn't do these things.

Dee-rob.com -And this is the other blog I read. It's perhaps the most insightful blog I've read about absolutely nothing. And she has some charming pictures of her new shithouse.

Kris Earle - Just one of them unstable comedian friends.

I'll have some more throughout the week as I am a wealth of selflessness. That, and when their friends google their names, they'll end up on my site.

That Cultured Artist Shite
One thing that some of you don't know about me is that I love an orchestra (and, coincidentally, a parade). I also, have no particular affinity for classical music. Therefore, I try to see The Boston Pops as much as possible. Wednesday I caught their holiday show. Aside from being a world renowned show and the lingering fact that I would just be content watching Keith Lockhart wave his arse around for two hours, it was an incredible performance. As someone who has some musical prowess (took piano lessons for 13 years), they never fail to amaze me with how pristine and natural they sound. A lesser orchestra could not have handled some of the transitions they had to make, but I guess that's why they are, um, world renowned and stuff.

And I learned something...
I kind of always assumed that the conductor was one of those jobs that are there for show. I figured that the conductor is critical behind the scenes when a new song or arrangement is being learned as he or she is primarily the organizer of the song arrangement, but by show time everyone knows what the hell they are suppose to be doing so the conductor is there just to give the people some movement to watch, and/or a nice set of rounded buttocks. But I caught a couple times during the show musicians and/or singers who were clearly looking to Lockhart for guidance. *shrugs* Who would have thunk.

Happy Whatever the Hell you Celebrate
I doubt my next blog will come prior to the beginning of the Boxing Day season, so Happy Holidays one and all.

posted by Jenn @ 4:42 AM  

"Hey Doctor....my pain is gone!" "That's because you're dead".
Pain killer may cause heart attacks
This reminds me of a stomach ache medication I bought that had "diarrhea" listed in the side effects. So basically the only thing it succeeds in doing is moving my discomfort to the latter end of my GI tract via peristalsis.

A last minute gift for the relapsed drug addict in your family
Board Game Lets Player run Marijuana Farm

A couple choice quotes:
"Creators of "The Grow-Op Game" say the $39.95 "educational board game" highlights the perils of the marijuana business and cautions would-be growers."

"Solomon said Rabbit came up with the idea for the game while serving time in jail."

Your lesson in non-sequitur
Cows Jump from Trailer - Go Shopping

Dear Santa, please bring George W. Bush a dictionary.....

posted by Jenn @ 1:11 PM  

Gah!
I seriously don't have time to blog. Why? Well, in the oft chance that you still determine times and dates via a sundial, this is Christmas week. And there is just shit to be done... like, that Christmas tree. Yes, it is true that a tree was not really required as 1) I live alone and 2) in 3 days I will be safely absconded to my parents home which is roughly 500 miles away. In fact, you may think it's rather moronic to bother with the tree so late in the game. However, I am having a Christmas party tonight, which somewhat requires some form of Christmas plumage. And as the only items of Christmas plumage I have is a tree and a Kmart jingle bell wreath, the Dlugos's Christmas Decorations Committee would seem to have a relatively simple job, if you ignore the fact that said committee also needs to take down/wrap up/find out where the hell to store all the Halloween decorations.

So blogging will be sparse...
You want to know when I'm blogging? Ask the Advice Bunny.

Born ugly? Looking for a way to blow your Christmas money?
Join Miss Artificial Beauty Contest

Um....shouldn't we be looking for a cure for AIDS or something?
Medical Doctors Discover Reason for Gollum's Madness

posted by Jenn @ 2:15 PM  

Announcement to Hammer fans, we are quite sorry, but Dracula has decided not to Rise from the Grave.
Police find Pot Stashed in Coffins

This quote is better than the headline...
"A Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days."
Hey, he's going for the 5-a-day program. He's off to a great start...tomato, onions, and a fruit. (rim shot)

The International Association of Authorized Santa Claus
Does anyone find it odd that we have an international organization for a mythical character but still can't seem to locate a terrorist whose hobbies include blowing up large trade centers and kidney dialysis? And more importantly, has anyone looked here for him yet? It seems he would blend in quite well, and with 300 Santas, no one would likely pick up on one Santa singing The Christmas Shoes' Bombs, White Powder Christmas, and Napalm is Coming to Town.

posted by Jenn @ 11:59 AM  

And you thought YOUR love life sucked
Lap pillow offers solace to lonely men

Am I the only one who sees an issue with this?
Nursing home gives woman cigarette wreath

Python accidentally shipped to New Jersey
"Things like this do happen...."
Yes, but usually in old movies and with Dracula's coffin.

Drive up a fellow American's electricity bill! It's fun for the whole family.

posted by Jenn @ 1:00 PM  

Universal Review - Part 2.
As I have nothing else to talk about, I'll just continue reviewing the attractions of Universal Studios.

Men in Black - I didn't care for the movie, but the ride was fun. Basically you are in a car with little laser guns. You are suppose to be going through Men in Black training, but real aliens start attacking the city so your car leads you through the city and you shoot at the aliens. You are competing with the car at the other end of the track. At the end, the car that loses gets chastised by Will Smith which I found at least mildly amusing.

Xmen: Storm's Acceletron: We spun. Alot. To weather sound effects. Apparently this somehow helped beat Magneto. *Shrug*

Shrek 4-D - You are watching a movie, but your seats move along with the movie. Really not that much of an upgrade from the big Cinedomes at state fairs in the 80's. On a positive note, Tinkerbell gets electrocuted.

Terminator2 3-D: My favorite theater attraction which is interesting as I don't particularly care about The Terminator one way or the other. The buildup was nice, and the 3-D looked awesome. But most importantly, they passed on almost all of the cheesy stock lines.


In the "College-smollege" Department
Become a Lord or Lady for $29.99

BWAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bush Monkey Art

posted by Jenn @ 1:04 PM  

And....we're back.
Just came back from 4 days of Universal Studios Florida. I always have fun at any theme park, but this was my favorite by far. I even liked it even better than Disney World. Disney is amazing and fun and all that jazz, but the whole "cuteness" thing grates on me around Day 3. The only really cute part of Universal is Suess Landing which I loved because I respect Dr. Suess as a writer as he is extremely creative and funny and....and...he's fricking Dr. Suess.

And hence, my calling is clear
If this whole comedy thing doesn't work out, I'm going to move to Florida and get a job playing The Grinch at Suess Landing. This seems to be the only way to get a job as a character who walks around refusing to be photographed, ignores people, and basically is a complete and utter asshole, and not get demoted immediately to port-a-pottie duty.

Spiderman, The Coolest Ride EVER.
And I know because I went on it 4 times. It's the first 3-D ride on a track. Basically you get in a blue Spidey car, and the car takes you through the track while wearing little 3-D glasses. All through the ride it looks like Spidey and Spidey villains are jumping on your car, you get hit with Green Goblin pumpkins, get electrocuted, etc. But the best is at the end when your car gets propelled into the air and starts "falling to the earth". In your mind you KNOW you are watching a big movie screen and are inside a rapidly moving car, but it takes a bit of convincing for you to come to that conclusion. It really looks like you are falling into a cartoon city. I, in all my lackluster capacity to suspend my disbelief, found myself wincing before Spidey caught us. Seriously.

Other attractions ...
In general, I thought everything was fun, but some were definitely better than others. So, for the future Universal traveler, here's a quick little guide.

Back to the Future - Very fun, and probably my second favorite ride after Spiderman. You are in one of those "moving theater cars" and you are sent back to the past. I'm kidding, of course. Back to the present.

Animal Planet Live! - Cute, but forgettable. Not really worth your time during the busy season.

E.T. - Nothing overly spectacular, but you do get to see ET's home planet and bicycle to the moon. And apparently, he drives a bike much like a drunk.

The Dueling Dragons - Two roller coasters that come within 12 inches of each other. I'll never pass on a roller coaster. It was nothing particularly special as far as height goes, but it was rather spinny. When I got off, I felt like I partied like it was 1999.

Jaws - The mechanical shark pops out of the water. Everyone screams. Everyone gets wet. Yahoo.

Twister - Big buildup, but no dice. The special effects were pretty cool (that twister at the beginning....oh. my. god.) ....but it fizzled at the end. And where the fuck was the flying cow? They were certainly aware of it as they had 5 bazillion stuffed cows in the gift store. Honestly, my least favorite attraction.

Earthquake - I think my problem here was that I was sitting in the middle. It was much better than Twister, and a train derailed into us which is always fun for the whole family. But I saw it once, and have no real desire to see it again.

More tomorrow.....Jenn is very weary from riding the movies and has minimal capacity to form complete sentences.

posted by Jenn @ 1:02 PM  

It's time for one of Jenn's favorite Christmas songs
My whole problem with humorous Christmas songs are that they are only humorous the first time, if at all. The 12 pains of Christmas is just not as funny as it could be (in fact, I dare say the only funny line is "Now why the hell are the blinking?" and that got old after about 5 times) and I turn the channel when I hear Adam Sandler's Hannakah song because marijuanakah is only funny if you're like 12.

So, thank God for the South Park guys, because without them, my Christmas would be humorless. Most of my Christmas CD's are only played for a month, if that. Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics enters into my CD rotation about late August, and vanishes about mid February. My personal favorite song is a song called The Most Offensive Christmas Song Ever. The song is sung by Mr. Hankey and Kenny. The reason it is so very funny is that Mr. Hankey sings all the clean lyrics and Kenny sings all the dirty lyrics. So you're left with a song that implies a whole lot, but the good stuff is mumbled.

Beef-cake.com, which was a kick ass South Park site, had the full lyrics on the site for some time. However, they closed their doors this year. Therefore, we at dejennerate.com feel it's time to step to the plate and reveal the lyrics to all politically incorrect persons or perhaps any Christmas carollers who hate their neighbors. Consider it a gift from us to you. Cherry Christmas.

Lyrics to "The Most Offensive Christmas Song Ever" by Trey Parker and Matt Stone on
Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

Howdy Ho.
The Virgin Mary was sleeping
When the angel Gabriel appeared
He said "You are to be the virgin mother", and Mary thought that was weird
Mary said, "I'm not a virgin. I blew a guy last year"
And then Gabriel said to Mary, "My child, have no fear"

"Because you can suck all the dick you want and still be a virgin, Mary
You can suck all the dick you want and still not be considered flawed.
So go on and go to town, and suck some semen down.
You're still a virgin in the eyes of God."

There was no room at the inn
when Mary and Joseph did arrive
They were so very tired you see
And Mary had to offer a bribe
Since they had no money
How would they pay for a place to sleep?
Gabriel appeared to Mary, and told her not to weep.

"You can suck all the dick you want and still be a virgin, Mary
You can suck all the dick you want and still be the Mother of Christ
If there's no room at the inn, than it's not considered a sin
To suck some dick to get a room for the night. "

The three wise men did appear,
bearing gifts of myrrh and such.
They said that they had followed a star
and missed a woman's touch.
Mary thought that she might pleasure them
But she could not take them to bed
Again, Gabriel appeared to her and this is what he said...

"You can suck all the dick you want and still be a virgin, Mary
You can suck all the dick you want, every man in the nation.
Fellatio aint no sin
So go down on those three wise men
And you'll still be a virgin because there's no penetration."

EVERYONE, SING ALONG IN YOUR CUBICLES!

"You can suck all the dick you want and still be a virgin, Mary
The cow and the ox and the lamb, and even the little drummer boy.
Folks will remember your name quick,
They'll say "God that bitch can suck a good dick!"
Because sucking dick brings peace on earth and joy.
Because sucking dick brings peace on earth and joy.
Mary, Mary suck my dick!"

posted by Jenn @ 1:07 PM  

Office Secret Santa
I always loved the concept of the Secret Santa because I'm a rather sneaky person and have grown to enjoy the concept of slithering like a sealth bomber under an unknowing radar to leave a deposit and scamper off into the cubeland (hence, if I lose control of my senses I would surely have an illustrous career as an ax murderer). But as I am also a rather greedy bastard, I have been checking for any future deposits an obscene number of times a day, taking long hiatuses from my typical work area, and announcing in a megaphonish-tone that I will be departing for the bathroom. And when I return back to find he/she hasn't been by, I feel like a kid who just opened the big gift from Santa and discovered it's a laundry hamper. Which isn't fair because to appease my id's "gimmie gimmie", my Secret Santa would have to actually be Santa Claus, and I'm pretty sure he is downstairs in marketing.

But on the subject of giving....
This week I finally brought something in for my Secret Santa, but only after I brought it home, decided I wanted it, and went back to the store and bought another one.

Yet another gift idea for your friendly neighborhood sex offender...
Penis Tree Painting

Retards on Ebay....Part 2
Grandfather's Ghost sold on Ebay for $14,000

Teen Arrested in Cereal Caper
In related news, The Cookie Crunch Cop has come back from retirement.

posted by Jenn @ 1:10 PM  

The Wilted Lettuce, and other fun places to dine
The show at The Purple Eggplant kicked ass. Annette always puts on a stellar lineup, but this night was one of her best. The room was sold out and the audience was really receptive. A fun time was had by all. I did decent (not awesome), but I still had such a blast. And my gal Jan Flanagan hosted and did a stellar job. And as observed by one of the males at the bar, she looked damn hot.

Weirdness
I thought of about 5 minutes of material on my way from Providence to Purple Eggplant. Never did it on stage before because, as you might imagine, there are not many drive-through stages between Providence and The Purple Eggplant for one to stop at. That stuff KILLED despite the fact that I OPENED with it (in the world of comedy, one is considered a fucktard if one opens with new material). My "tried and true" material? Fucking crickets chirping. Not really, as that would imply The Purple Eggplant has a pest problem (they do not as far as I can tell), but the laughs were weaker. That's just....odd, especially for me. I half expected the next comic to be Bizarro Jerry Seinfeld.

A representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience and attempts to refrain from killing yourself....
Suicide Hotline callers get busy signal

Really?
Master/slave deemed most politically incorrect phrase
I was so sure "wildebeest cum-guzzling shitface" would get top honors.

These folks will receive The Darwin Award someday
Couple reports stolen marijuana
"....is under arrest after notifying police Thursday that their quarter-pound stash of marijuana was stolen and that they needed the weed back, because they were going to later sell it."

And for your geography lesson of the day, click here

posted by Jenn @ 1:20 PM  

Secret Santa
I got a little Secret Santa thing going. Today, he or she left for me a Happy Bunny pen that says "Let's make notes of the people who piss me off". Obviously, the mystery Kringle knows me quite well as this is a list I have been known to develop daily. This also rather rules out the possibility that my secret Santa is, say, a random stalker. This is somewhat disappointing as sociopathy is much better blog material.

And you thought Americans were stupid....
Half of Britons Never Heard of Auschwitz
Seriously, everyone knows that. What other sound does a sneeze make?

Your contradiction of the day:
Oxford Hooligans

And if you happen to get lost and end up in Abington tonight
Check me out at The Purple Eggplant Cafe. I'm doing a lot of new material so it should be a wild evening filled with awkward silences and cricket chirping.

posted by Jenn @ 4:14 PM  

Strange dream last night
I don't usually remember dreams as my REM sleep is rarely disrupted secondary to having no kids, spouse, boyfriend, or uncaged animals living in my house. But last night I fell asleep on my futon which tends to make me sleep lighter than normal. I had a dream that I was sleeping on my futon and two kids from my condo building entered my house and took multiple shits on my bathroom floor. And after the finished their GI deposit, they giggled maniacally and just left.

Now, this may seem quite amusing to the average dreamer, however as my dream took place in the same vicinity as where I was sleeping, I thought this really happened. So I screamed out expletives. Loudly. Which is fine for most, but the insulation in my building sucks wildebeest testicles, and any sound coming from my living room--where my futon resides, by the way --travels quite well into the outside hallway. So I'm expecting a gift certificate for the Tourettes Syndrome Association from my neighbors in my mail today.

In case you need a good picture for your Windows background, try this pic

News from the Four Horses of the Apocalypse
Men's Urinal Named Most Influential Artwork of the 20th Century
Soooo......did Picasso miss it by a pubic hair?

Interesting look at Jenn's Site statistics -
My sample articles from my new book In the Event Your Street Girl Steps in Unicorn Poop - A Handbook for the Modern Time Warpist gets 48.04% of its hits from people who type in "centaur anus"

posted by Jenn @ 1:03 PM  

Well, not all my writer friends loathe me after my tirade yesterday....
But thank the maker of wordprocessors, Gene sent me an email loathing me in triplicate. So I am proud to report that the loathing balance remains at full stability. Updates as necessary.

Apathy Dooms Optimists
"The Optimist Club of Quakertown, Pennsylvania, is disbanding after 24 years, citing lack of interest."
I really shouldn't find that funny.

But, this is ok.
Lava Lamp explodes, kills man
So how many times do you think St Peter will leave a lava lamp on this guy's cloud before the joke gets old?

Why Germany is not in the 100 places to see Before you Die guide
German Men Overestimate their Penis Size

posted by Jenn @ 6:12 AM