DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Thanksgiving Aftermath: The Evolution of an Automobile

Items in my car as I left Boston:
- Clothes for 4 day excursion
- Adequate amount of gas money for round trip
- 1 box of Gummi Bears
- 1 father

Items in my car as I returned to Boston:
- 0 fathers
- Various crap to give to people for Christmas
- 1 Disney Snow Village
- Clean clothes (parental beings assume I cannot yet operate a washing machine)
- 1 Simpsons Season 4 box set
- $200 from various family members for "gas", in case I make a wrong turn off the 90 and have to doubleback from Kuwait
- 16 cans of spaghetti sauce from Mom and Grammy to ward off scurvy
- 3 cans of Peanut butter from Grammy in case I decide to take up Atkins
- 3 fruit pies (again, scurvy prevention)
- 1 cream pie in case burlesque makes a comeback
- 2 boxes of Gummi Bears (formed by mitosis, apparently)
- A new scraper and snowshovel
- A poinsettia that Mom said came from "The Great Turkey" (I'm no longer completely sure my family says no to drugs)

Jenn's Movie Reviews
One of the positive aspects about going home to see my family is that I get to see a lot of movies without paying for them. The screenings this holiday were:

The Incredibles- Again.

Polar Express - Much better than I thought it was going to be. The story was a little weak, but the action kept moving. Not to mention it shows off Tom Hanks' remarkable ability to make 5 animated characters sound like Tom Hanks.

Alexander - zzzzzz-What? Huh? Yeah, everything you heard was true. This movie was long, didn't have much of a point, and probably could have been told in half the time. The only thing I was actually pleased with was they did was not pussyfoot around the fact that Alexander was gay. Oh right, they did. My bad. It was implied, even mentioned in passing once, but I was hoping Colin Ferrel would get down and dirty (Don't look so shocked, dong-bearers. You aren't the only gender who enjoys gay action. Don't believe me? Ask the next tight-shirt wearing female what she thinks of Tim Curry in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.). The battle scenes were mediocre and I kept looking at my watch for it to be over. The only thing that made it worthwhile was the rather pristine lingering ass shot of Colin Ferrel. But seriously, for $8, I could rent several movies exclusively of pristine lingering asses that would have better plotlines.

News from the blow up doll community....
Inflatable Spongebob Kidnappers Seek Ransom

For the sex offender that has everything...
17th Century Porn to be Auctioned

New York is fucked...
Pissing on beams in tunnel may cause collapse

posted by Jenn @ 1:13 PM  

Yet another one for the irony files
Driving Teacher Gets Charged with DUI

Your Daily Dose of Paranoia
Exploding cell phones on the rise

And, officially, my life as a television viewer is complete.
I bought myself both of the Seinfeld box sets yesterday (along with Harry Potter, but that isn't important). They are absolutely and unequivocally exquisite. The best feature of the disk sets are the gag reels. I'm one of those who don't find bloopers all that funny, but these bloopers were utterly hilarious, even for those of you like myself who have seen that 2 hour Seinfeld blooper VHS that's been "unofficially" (aka "bootleggily") circulating around since before the show was off the air. While many of those bloopers are on this gag reel, there are many new ones which are every bit as hysterical as the episodes themselves. The episodes are remastered nicely, with lots of commentary, production notes, extra stand up routines, and much more. They beat out The Simpsons box sets which I didn't think was even possible.

One more weird link
Just to give you some early morning bulimia, check out this picture of the most pierced woman in the world.

Partly Cloudy forecast for blogging tomorrow
So if it is contraindicated, have a wonderful Thanksgiving and joyous start of the Festivus season.

posted by Jenn @ 7:45 AM  

Grrrrrrr
Everyday that I come to Providence, I park on a street off of Federal Hill. In the last few months, this has suddenly became the new parking ground for Assholes' Anonymous. Are you people that unproficient at pulling out of a parking space that you need a space the size of 3/4 of a Festiva between you and the other car?????

Thanskgiving looming
and hence starts the battle of the wits between the 4 grandparents. Here are my predictions on dinner time conversation around the Dlugos dinner table.

1) Who has died since the Labor Day Picnic - In the event that no one has expired, a replay of the obituaries since Fourth of July will be conducted.
2) The voting - My family is chockfull of moderates, meaning they hate everyone. As you might imagine, this results in a lot of bitching. After a 30-minute Polish-expletive fest, it still may not be determined who they actually voted for, though it is definitely clear they did not vote for Pallillo who's been out of office in Niagara Falls for 15 years now, but they can not stop bitching about.
3) Grandparents' Potential Viagra Usage- This topic has been in the top three for the last five Thanksgivings now which certainly shows (in great detail, I assure you) the liveliness of the 4 grandparents as well as the unfaltering esophogeal sphincters of the younger generations.

Woman calls police complaining her drug dealer sold her fake drugs
Yes, Center of Disease Control? I have a complaint. The last girl I slept with failed to tell me she had syphilis even though she had ample time before the chloroform kicked in....

This just in, the Press is still pulling headlines out of their ass....
Pregnant Cow Takes Plunge in British Neighbor's Pool

posted by Jenn @ 6:09 AM  

Announcement from the colonoscopy camera
My friend Kelly would like you to know that she is currently bleeding from her ass. She had a hemorrhoid pop yesterday and is currently walking around bent in a perfect right angle as part of her pain management program. So if you see her (she will not be particularly hard to spot, I imagine), please give her some Tucks and make sure not to offer any sort of backdoor proposition. Updates as warranted.

Discovery this weekend
After a very late night dinner with my friend Ven, I realize I have a remarkable ability for laughing without food coming out of a cranial orifice. This is a gift I always theorized I possessed as I do not have any school-lunch-milk-nasal-projection stories, but it came in most handy Saturday evening as I was in Joe's American Bar and Grill where regurgitation is somewhat frowned upon (even if I was planning to donate it to the baby birds in the Franklin Park Zoo). Unfortunately, having this superpower means that I will be way under my quota for spittakes in my life, but on a positive note, I will be auditioning for the state fair freak show in January.

New Crime Grips Alabama: Potty Tipping
I'm really just surprised this is a new crime in Alabama.

This is too easy for me to even make a joke.
Clinton's Library to Serve Hilary's Cookies
But, if you got a good one, email me . I'll post my favorite by the end of the week.

Like Hunting? Not a go-getter?
Hunt cows on Canadian Ranch

posted by Jenn @ 1:07 PM  

Why no, I don't need a little fucking Christmas right now.
The oldies station in Boston has decided to screw up my daily 5-o'clock Beatles flashback by playing exclusively Christmas music. Already. Now I am a Christmas junkie and generally enjoy Christmas music, but there seems to be one small event that has yet to occur to safely commence the Christmas season. I'm talking of course of genocide. Quite frankly, there are too many turkeys still alive to warrant the start of the Christmas season. So please take note, oldies station, that until the annual poultry holocaust has ceased, Goosestepping Around the Christmas Tree will have to be put on hold. Thank you for your cooperation.

Dispatches from Jenn's Netflix Queue
Blade Runner - I can see why this became a cult classic. Sci fi isn't my cup of tea, per say, but this is a step above most. Why? It was a thinking film. The ending (to the director's edition anyway), was left up to your imagination as was the who-is-a-Replicant-and-who is-not debate. And for this reason, I enjoyed it. It reminded me of a modern day Metropolis. Some will probably say it was too slow moving, but these are probably the people who think Ghosts of Mars is subversive.

The Graduate - Hey, I know why this one is famous! It is one of the most incredible dramas I have seen lately, perhaps ever. Dustin Hoffman rarely disappoints me, and even less so when he plays Rain Man- now with extra Infidelity! It was exquisitely surreal and had enough creative camera angles to make even the most cynical film student multiple orgasm in celluloid ecstasy. And hey....you get to meet Mrs. Robinson! This was clearly Ann Bancroft's final hour, which says something as until the end credits rolled I thought it was Joan Crawford.

Next up....Annie Hall

And for all you Heartless Bitches out there...
Join The Heartless Bitches Society

posted by Jenn @ 6:54 AM  

One little thing before I go, honey....
Mother's Deathbed Confession: Murdered Husband and Stuffed him in the Freezer

I don't even know what this means...
Record Haul of Fake Legos Go Up in Smoke

Overdue Books to Bring Jail Time
You know the Department of Homeland Defense is running out of ideas when they decided to incarcerate every American hoping North Korean missiles get stuck in barb wire fences.

News from Jenn's bookshelf....One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
I just started reading this and wonder what took me so long. It's fabulous. For those living under a rock for the last several decades, it's about a mental hospital and written from the point of view from one of the resident crazies. The reading experience is even sweeter when you know Jack Nicholson plays the lead in the movie (and I can soooo picture this) and that's who you think of when you read about said character. It's brilliant, well-paced, and at times downright hysterical with very, very black humor (or it's really not funny and I'm just a callous bitch, which works too). Give it a try. You won't regret it, and hey, it might be a classic one day.

posted by Jenn @ 6:02 AM  

For those keeping score at home...
3 of my hairs were found in my pasta salad this afternoon. I may have to start investing in hairnets, or really, really hope I'll get sexually transmitted the baldness gene.

And by the way, for those of my companions planning on coming up with an excuse for no longer dining at my house, my hair only seems to have an affinity for pasta salad. All other foodstuff is hair free. I'm thinking there is some sort of unusually large magnetic field around Barilla whole wheat pasta.

Results from the World Toilet Summit
which I really just put in my blog for phrases like "toilet revolution".

My personal favorite story of the day:
Beer offered for return of Baby Jesus

And seriously, if you can figure out this headline, please let me know.
Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese back up on Ebay

Dispatches from Jenn's Netflix Queue
The Royal Tenenbaums - I can't review the whole movie because I turned it off in like 45 minutes. I just was not impressed. I have mentioned repeatedly that I think Wes Anderson is quite creative, but I never laugh at him. I was expecting not to laugh this time. Even with that factor, the film was still lacking something. All right, everything.

Yes, I know that I am an impossibly tough critic. I have never cried, been scared, and rarely laugh at movies because I just can not seem to emotionally attach with a piece of celluloid. I'm severely lacking in "suspension of disbelief" department. Throw in a good chunk of film classes into this mix, and you should just be happy I'm not exclusively reviewing arthouse films from Guam. For the most part, however, I am well aware of my movie viewer shortcomings (or prickishness, if you prefer) , can generally get over it, and see a movie for what it is. Not so with The Royal Tenenbaums. I thought the humor was sophmoric at best and it just didn't go anywhere. Wes Anderson has done much, much better, and I think that's what irked me. For a first effort I would have been more forgiving. But, alas, he is quite seasoned. And for that, I just can't forgive.

Oh, and Ben Stiller is really, really starting to annoy me. Precisely how does one who looks so much like a low level primate have a career that doesn't include Harry and the Hendersons?

posted by Jenn @ 1:11 PM  

I'm Hungrier than an Ethiopian with Binge Eating Disorder
And it also seems that I am completely unable to make Jenn's-pasta-salad without getting one of my 2 foot long hairs in it. Just a heads up for anyone who dines at my abode.

So, is the human race going to make all decisions by reality shows now?
New Member of TLC to be decided by reality show for UPN

What a Shock Part 2....this time, Texas
Hunt Via Internet

One for the irony files
'Eternal Life Statue' Almost Kills Five

Swedish Poetry Beamed into Outer Space for Aliens to Read
Question Number 1: What makes you think they know Swedish? Did they find a crop circle in front of the Swede Language Center?
Question Number 2: What makes you think they want to read poetry? Is Maya Angelou's seminars getting Nielsen ratings from illegal cable hookups on Jupiter?
Question Number 3: WHO THE HELL HAS THE MONEY FOR THIS? Is the moose economy skyrocketting? Did they get a large donation from Pippi Longstocking's estate?

And in case you want to know what your bitch name would be in prison, click here.
Call me, Honey Hole.

posted by Jenn @ 1:00 PM  

Backhanded Compliment or Get the Hell Out?
A friend told me he has to stop spending so much time with me because he laughs to the point of exhaustion and all he wants to do afterwards is sleep. So is this a really awesome compliment or an extremely cordial way to say "Have a nice life, fruitcake."?

More Dispatches from Jenn's Netflix Queue
O Brother, Where Art Thou? I seriously didn't want to like this film because nothing gives more more pleasure than to rip on my non-film-savvy friends choices in comedy flicks. But as much as I tried, I just couldn't not like it. What a weird ass film (the end? Seriously...what the fuck?) but so wildly fun. I'm in on the DVD. And George Clooney should really just stick to the fugitive-hillbilly genre because he was awesome. And I really don't think I'll ever say that about George Clooney again.

Movies in the process of being shipped to me:
The Royal Tenenbaums
Blade Runner (exactly how pathetic is it that I haven't seen this yet?)
The Graduate

Oh, what a shock. This is from Arkansas.
Don't Bring Your Guns to Work Day

Top Drug Sniffing Dog Receives Death Treats
In related news, the London Police Force is now recruiting cats who have at least 6 lives left.

The press now has wallpapered their office with pages from the dictionary and are shooting darts at words to come up with headlines
Peru Seizes Cocaine Haul Hidden in Giant Squid

And your lesson for in non-sequitur for today:
Football Star Misses Kick, Receives Manure.

posted by Jenn @ 1:09 PM  

Boston, the Buffalo away from Buffalo
Why is it fricking snowing here already???? I haven't even invested in a scraper (to be eaten by the bucket seats sometime next summer) and washer fluid (which, when applied heavily, almost eliminates the need of to-be-eaten scraper entirely).

Of course I can't blame it on the "surprise weather factor"
because my family in Buffalo makes it a point to watch The Weather Channel religiously to determine the effect the doppler will have on Boston's environment and inform me in triplicate - namely Grandparents Dlugos, Maternal Grandparents, and my father. I'm not sure why they do this since I don't particularly care about the weather in Buffalo as I assume that they have the capacity/intelligence/life experience to know what to do in the majority of possible Buffalo weather situations. The only exception would be if a life-threatening or unusual forecast is predicted in Buffalo like, say, a 6.9 earthquake or precipitation of frogs. Then I might pay some mild attention if South Park isn't on. But for my family, The Weather Channel is an obsession. It's gotten to the point that they will call me with the sole purpose of telling me the Boston forecast. Occasionally, I will get three completely different weather reports that would only be simultaneously possible if the earth has decided to revolve around the sun once per day so we can experience all four seasons by lunch. The worst culprit is my father. He calls me just to tell me whether I'm going to get hit with snow, and inform me that Buffalo is not. This is really a last ditch "pitching Buffalo to Jenn" effort to get me to move back home, as Boston is better than Buffalo in absolutely everything except 3 out 365 days of weather. Then if it isn't REALLY snowing here, he refuses to believe me-- daughter who is living in Boston and looking out her bay window to observe weather-- and instead believes The Weather Channel-- television network that is nowhere near the vicinity of Boston. Apparently, he thinks I am caught in a dimensional rip of some kind and the squirrels that I see frolicking in the green grass are really Yeti in a 51-inch blizzard. Or he really wants it to be snowing in Boston because we actually won two recent Superbowls.

Dispatches from Jenn's Netflix Queue
Bowling for Columbine - Interesting premise, good tie ins, and Michael Moore, who I normally dismiss as a member of my "wing", was actually quite good if a little too "preachy". But it kept my attention span, and found it a worthwhile view if only to see what a prick Charlton Heston and Dick Clark are. Though the whole thing with Dick Clark, well, I thought Moore was reaching a bit. OK, a lot. And I disagreed with his stance on Welfare-to-Work. My old job had the Welfare-to-Work Program and it met with a lot of success. The side Moore showed was very biased and simply not all that true, especially in the big cities where most of the welfare recipients lie. In small towns --which were portrayed in the film -- it can be a problem as there is simply not enough jobs close for it to really work. But these are also the minority of recipients and while something clearly has to be done for these people, overall Welfare-to-Work is a good concept to get people back into the workforce (mind you, I did not say program, as the program rarely truly reflects the concept in US Government activities). Regardless, Moore's view wasn't "fair and balanced". But overall, a cool little film. Was that enough ramble for you today? Good.

Some bar-crawler bothering you, and you don't want to waste time thinking of a fake phone number to give him? Give him the number for the Rejection Hotline .

Yet another job for ladies with good muscle contraction...
Beavers build dams out of stolen money

posted by Jenn @ 6:21 AM  

Spent Veterans Day in Prison
Working in one of course, specifically the hospital/prison where I used to make my weekly tiding. It was actually quite mundane if you discount the a 2-person simultaneous nervous breakdown during mashed potato scooping, the loitering in the office by a random homeless guy, and the fact that on my way into work one of the dwellers asked me if I was one of his hallucinations. So really, a typical day.

Bill Maher Being Sued by Woman Who Claims He Said He'd Marry Her
Beyond blatently screaming of "gold digger", do you know why I am not buying this story? He's always been abundantly clear on his stance of "no marriage for Bill". As for the assault charge, he did probably grab her and shake her - that's not something that one randomly pulls out of one's anorexic ass - but shaken to the point of any sort of remote chance of injury? I'm thinking no. And 9 million dollars worth? What is her spinal cord made of? Tightly rolled Dead Sea Scrolls?

Well, I know what I'm giving out at the DOC Secret Santa this year:
Cellblock Cuisine: The New Prison Cookbook

For those lonely hearts looking for a pedophile
Children's Pole Dancing Classes

And please tell me where I should start with this headline as my comedy synapses are on overload
Pregnant Baboon Escapes from Texas Airport

posted by Jenn @ 8:17 AM  

Hey look....someone angrier about the election than my friend Gene
Fuck the South

Happy Veterans Day
to all those who served this country by air, sea, land, and voting for Kerry. You all deserve purple hearts which you can pick up at the next Republican National Convention if they aren't finished mocking all the war heroes yet.

And in the news...
Indian Farmers Turn to Sugar in Coca-Cola to kill pests
Um, hi. Won't this attract fruit flies? They tend to be quite fond of the sweet taste explosion in fruit, and therefore one would conclude they would be fond of Coca Cola's vast sweetness as well. Not to mention, I would much rather deal with a couple beetles crawling on my fruit than say, 2 large polar bears.

Oh. My. God.
Man Acts Mentally Retarded Just to Grope Nurses

posted by Jenn @ 7:48 AM  

For that Hard-to-Buy-for Warlock in Your Family...
Babe's Cursed Contract Fails to Sell

Continuing on the Netflix Tirade...Mommie Dearest
Ah yes, do you remember the good old days when you used to wake up to a flogging with a coat hanger and a can of bathroom cleaner? The movie was all right, but I didn't find it all that appalling as I knew most of the plot going into the film. And Joan Crawford, well, she just looks like a poster child for bipolar disorder. Perhaps it would have been more jaw-dropping if they made the main character, say, Ghandi. It would have made for a more shocking film, and quite frankly there is no good reason why they couldn't do it as defamation of character expires when a person becomes deceased which Ghandi has been for quite some time.

Also, it was one of those flicks that didn't require your undivided attention. If you became distracted during viewing, there was no need whatsoever to rewind the film, because you would find yourself saying, "What happened? Oh...Joan Crawford is still beating her kids with household furnishings. Whew...I thought I missed something." This is quite unlike Scarface which I had to rewind about 8 times, because Al Pacino would be having a tender moment with his sister, then my phone would ring, and suddenly he was sticking his face into a pile of cocaine. One would assume that several plot points were missed during the phone call, unless of course one was watching a David Lynch movie, because this would be quite a logical progression.

I wanna see this on Judge Judy
To Jim Belushi, Thanks for not Closing Your Bathroom Blinds, Julie Newmar

Good News for Election Day Surivivors!
Florida Offering Support for Kerry Supporters Suffering from Post Election Day Stress Disorder
I know several friends who would benefit from this service. Their names rhyme with Gene and Dee-Rob.

And the press continues to get their headlines through those little poetry magnet sets that yuppie couples have on their fridge

Squirrel Allowed to Live With Couple

Loaned Sweatshirt Leads to Robbery Arrest

Drunk Moose on the Loose

This is something I would expect to happen during a distraction from Scarface
Inmate Attends Funeral, Comes Back With Drugs

posted by Jenn @ 6:05 AM  

Allright, I was wrong
I once said in this very blog that a movie of infinite length was impossible. This does not seem to be true. Thanks to Netflix I have been catching up on movies I should of seen by now. One of these such films is Scarface. Scarface is 170 minutes long. Let me say that again....170 MINUTES LONG. Which basically means 1/8 of my day yesterday was taken up by cocaine.

Call me Samantha Kinison
All in all, very good film. Of course, as it was a blockbuster, you probably already know this.

Newspaper Accidentally Publishes Number to Sex Line Instead of Voter Hotline
Apparently, they were confused which JFK was running this year.

Dispatches from the Mile High Club...
Naked Man Climbs Aboard Moving Jet

posted by Jenn @ 6:00 AM  

Just a thought...
If we absolutely must have a Bush for president, any way we can give it to Laura Bush? She seems somewhat reasonable and less like a sloth with a learning disorder. Please?

Jenn's Movie Reviews
The Incredibles - Of course it was fabulous, as all Pixar cartoons are. But this one was downright amazing. Pixar is going to have to work hard to top this one. It made me wonder why we bother shooting movies with real people at all.

Shark Tale - I understand the working title to this was Finding Nemo- Now with 60% more Hip Hop!. It was cute, De Niro was classic, and I'm rather fond of the concept of slutty gold-digger fish. But, it was forgettable. It made me wonder why we bother shooting movies with fish at all.

Homicide: The Movie: Where the fuck was I when this was released? I was a large fan of Homicide: Life on the Streets (yes, I was the other one). Apparently it took place after the show or at least well after I stopped watching the show. It was good, but seemed relatively lackluster compared to the television version. And the alternate-plane-of-being ending kind of pissed me off.

I'm sure this has nothing to do with the Clinton Family Holding a Political Office in New York :
Read a book in New York- Get Oral Sex

Best Real Headline that Reads like a Fake one:
Florida First Grader Brings Cocaine to Class; Mom claims it is Halloween booty

posted by Jenn @ 6:00 AM  

Picket, anyone?
We've just been secured a four year trip back to the 1950's, and where the hell are all the protesters? What's the good of being a liberal if I can't burn my bras in a communal bonfire when I'm pissed?

Dinner
I had a rather entertaining dinner with some of my colleagues. One of them voted for Bush, which is odd as he strikes me as an intelligent being. And while I flat out disagree with some of the reasons mentioned for converting over to the darkside, the point was also brought up that the Democrats just don't have their shit together. Which is preposterous to us who get the point, but in the grand scale of things is equally and unequvicolly TRUE.

Democrats have gotten a bad rap which has not even a smidge of truth in it. The problem is that we really haven't done much to prove otherwise. Basically, we know we are right, but we are also assuming that others have the brain capacity to see that we are right. This is a rather dangerous assumption.

Is it a coincidence that the states who had the highest IQ scores and the highest percentages of post-college degrees voted for Kerry? Of course not. Democrats are able to think outside the box which requires some type of logical thought (or at least more so than "Gays can't marry because 4 guys who were hallucinating that God was talking to them 2000 years ago thought gay people were weird."). The problem is that many Americans are quite opposed to thinking and prefer things brought to the lowest common denominator. And we have an equal obligation to reach them. Lowest common denominator is not something that comes easy to Democrats as we realize that nothing is simple or black and white, and almost everything has tangents that need to be considered. We are those who watch Twin Peaks, and decipher the complexity to find the point. The rest are those who watch Law and Order as the point is spoon fed to them without any brainpower on their end.

And quite frankly, the cries of the "conservative media bringing us down" are not cutting it for me anymore. Because--and I'm expecting hate mail for this-- we had just as much a part of making the media conservative. Why? We assumed all people are as smart as we are.

How the Media Became Conservatives: A Snowball Effect
1) Bill Clinton's BJ -When Bill Clinton started his extracirricular activities, the conservatives were absolutely outraged. They were getting on TV shouting and thumping their Bibles shouting out nonsensical phrases such as Ronald Reagan never even took off his coat in the Oval Office (which must be followed up by Bill Maher's quip: "That's because he didn't know he had his coat ON."). These arguments had had no logic whatsoever, but made for relatively entertaining TV. What did we do? We sat back and simply said that they were being ridiculous. And, of course they were. The thought of a president being impeached because of a tongue on his tallywacker is laughable. Our problem was that we assumed that the rest of the population was intelligent enough to determine this, which of course they weren't. And we failed to bring them to the lowest Law and Order denominator and show them exactly WHY it was ridiculous. So the tides started to turn.....
2) Florida. Al Gore won the popular vote in the country, but there seemed to be a little counting issue with Florida. Al Gore simply asked for a recount. Bush said this was unconstitutional. Of course, HE was the one being unconstitutional because that little document our forefathers wrote said that all votes are equal and therefore all votes should be counted. We tried to explain this to the media. However, Bush's side was looked on more favorably. Why? Because he had a very simple...though however irrational....argument why recounts were unconstitutional. Our answer was long winded with plenty of evidence to the contrary and we were frequently pointing to the Consititution saying "It says so right here!" Who was right? We were, of course. But our intelligence-laden answers made us look like egotistical snobs and "sore losers". We could have kept the Constitution in the box and simply responded with a one liner, perhaps hiring Johnny Cochran to write it so it became a catch phrase later on. But we didn't. So off the media goes further into the right.
3) 9/11. If the media was already leaning toward Right-ville, 9/11 caused it to start shopping for real estate there. The devastation was so great that Americans were looking to follow someone, ANYONE, for answers. So we put our faith in George Bush. Even when he did some very stupid things, no one opposed him, because that would be considered "unpatriotic". So whatever George did was all-right-by-us, even when memos came predicting 9/11 that appeared to be a real chance for us to say, "LOOK, YOU FUCKS....CLINTON SAID THERE WAS TROUBLE...YOU GOT A MEMO ABOUT IT LATER.....THIS WAS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY." Instead, we didn't run with it nearly as far as we could of so it was rolled over as an "oopsie".
4) The War on Iraq. By now, whatever George said was viewed as God's word and nobody said much to the contrary...well, except for Michael Moore at a Hollywood awards show. He was booed off the stage (by who exactly? Did anyone figure this out?), and the headlines the next day were the equivalent to "LOOK AT THIS UNPATRIOTIC ASS!". So, as lowest common denominator is something conservatives are proficient at, all liberals were deemed the equivalent to "unpatriotic" Michael Moore. This is not only inaccurate, but quite insulting as many of us feel he is the worst kind of liberal and hope one day we can deport him and Ann Coulter to a far away planet with the hope that maybe they'll procreate normal people. But the Democrats just took this new label without disputing it. Was it the-now-conservative press suppressing them? Partially, it was. But there's also that pesky 2004 election to prepare for. So could it be we did not want to look REALLY opposed to the war in the beginning just on the oft chance Bush really DID end up finding WMDs? Probably equally as likely.

So what can we do?
We need to stop blaming others for what happened November 2nd and look to ourselves. We should have got our shit together well before just months before the election (a true campaign front runner so that the Democratic primary looks like a formality more so than an actual election might be nice too). And we need to start bringing our points to the lowest common denominator. Most people don't want to hear a long argument disputing the accuracy of the Bible when discussing gay rights, or abortion, or any other points regardless how accurate they may be. Instead, get to the point as quickly and as simply as possible. And if needs be, stop trying to prove how much we are right, but prove how much they are wrong. The Republicans showed us how to do it. Use it against them.

And the Democrats are off to a roaring start....
These are the rumors I've heard from the Donkey Camp.

Hillary in '08 - I really shouldn't have to tell anyone what a very bad idea this is. I like her, I'd vote for her, but she is entirely too polarizing (thank you, Alberti, for the donation of that word). We really don't need another sacrificial lamb.

Obama in '08 - He is a great speaker and will likely kick some elephant ass in a debate. Unfortunately, I think it will become an issue that his name rhymes with Osama. You think I'm kidding? I just heard of a guy who voted for Bush because Bush wears a cowboy hat and he likes guys that wear cowboy hats. That's when I bought a beer just so I could cry in it.

John Edwards in '08 - I don't think this is a necessarily a bad idea because he is from the South, he talks like an average simpleton, and he is very attractive....all of which will probably secure a lot of the oh-so-fickle swing voters. Not to mention, I'd jump on another occasion to wear my JOHN EDWARDS IS HOT tee. But, I also think he's too unextraordinary, too average Joe-ish, and not presidential enough to be taken seriously. I'm not saying he doesn't have potential, but if he is seriously what the Democrats are looking at, they need to start prepping him NOW.

Above it all, I am still keeping the faith.
And it could be no better put that in this article by Jane Smiley:
"....And in addition, we have to remember that threats to democracy from the right always collapse. Whatever their short-term appeal, they are borne of hubris and hatred, and will destroy their purveyors in the end."

Here! Here! A toast to all the asses!

Of course, if you are still hostile...
I urge you to check out my friend Gene's website. Given by the tone of his blog, I'm sure he'll be starting a flaming torch mob any day now.

posted by Jenn @ 6:51 AM  

Are you a liberal craving lithium?
This may make you feel better. It was written by a very funny and smart comedian in Boston who I just had the pleasure of working with recently. The first paragraph alone made me feel relatively hopeful.

Americans Flock to Canada's Immigration Site After Election
Oh yes, Bush supporters, you made a fine choice.

You see, people don't tend to like it when we elect presidents whose names are found in a thesaurus as a synonym for World War III. As much as you thought Clinton was oh-so-icky, this didn't happen. In fact...wait....let me think....nope, it's never happened. For any Democrat OR Republican president. And if Kerry was elected, despite how pissed off some of you would be, it still wouldn't happen. Of course that's probably because most of you can't spell "immigration".

As for myself, I have slowed the packing to Canada.
I am still very unhappy about four more years of Bush and Friends, but I also realize there is not much I can do about it. I've officially resigned myself to this fate. But if you are still interested in deportation, I urge you to check out Canada's new Marry an American Program and also dejennerate.com's own Moving Day Instructions from the John Kerry Supporters' Deportation Committee.

And for this year's be-there-or-be-a-square-to-spare event:
World Toilet Summit This Month

And in case you're looking for an alternative to this year's Inaugural Address:
Human Corpse to be Shown Rotting on Television

posted by Jenn @ 5:45 AM  

Kerry Concedes
I understand why he did, and it probably would not have made a difference in the results. However, I wish he would have stood up for the last vote being counted solely on principle. As much as 175,000 Ohio votes mean absolutely nothing now. Not quite the America I think of. But, I suppose this is something I'm going to have to get used to.

Regardless
He fought the good fight. Bush should have had this election easy if he did what he was suppose to do after 9/11. At one point, he had a 96% approval rating. 3 years later, he barely squeaked by with a 51% vote. I shamefully admit I didn't know much about Kerry before this election as I'm originally from New York and our two Senators were.....er.......well, I don't recall them either. But after watching Kerry in action with such vindication and such passion, I can not possibly put into words how proud I am that he is our Senator. And I would prefer if you not tell that to my agent as she thinks I'm a brilliant writer.

Finding a light, however dim, at the end of this red tinted tunnel...
Ann Coulter Pelted With Pies

Another one for the deJENNerate.com irony files
Morroccons Spend More Money on Food During Month of Fast

The Press is now getting their headlines from playing Mad Libs
Israeli Women Motorists Dance Nude in India

posted by Jenn @ 6:04 AM  

Dejennerate.com would like to congratulate the new President of the United States, Mr. ......oh, right.
Does anyone miss the good ol' pre-millennium days when you'd go out to vote, go to bed, and wake up knowing who the President is? And we may not know for another 8 days? Seriously....what the fuck. This process is not that hard. We, the people, come and fill in the little circle on our ballot, or pull the little levers, or punch the computer screen. You, the ballot counters, count up the votes. For the states that are easily confused, using different colored writing utensils may help. I'm sure Crayola would be happy to donate some red and blue crayons if you promise the hang the voter tallies on the White House refrigerator.

Ohio, the Florida away from Florida
The Bush camp is already up in arms about the slow counting process and chastising the Kerry/Edwards camp about pushing for the last votes to be counted. Maybe it's just me, but blatant unconstitutionality is not the quality I look for in a President. Please explain WHY you would not want all the votes counted? And chastise your opponent for wanting to? It seems like being declared the winner of Monopoly after just buying Broadway.

New Rule
The swing states should no longer be allowed to vote. Just let the party-preferred states vote, and then have the candidates duke it out in an American Gladiators giant Q-tip slugfest to break the tie.

But make no qualms about it.
As much as I wanted Kerry to win, I really didn't think he was going to. America was simply not willing to change horses in midstream, even if said horse came from the special ed barn. I hope this counting gets over speedily....even if the slower count means Kerry takes it all. I get enough Christmas presents already, thank you.

On a positive note...
I'm actually somewhat relieved I may not have to get rid of my Bush jokes from my comedy act. Especially as Rick Jenkins from The Comedy Studio pointed out, Boston comics already took a blow with Red Sox jokes.

Just in case you wanted to know..
What your Computer Icons Do While You're Sleeping

posted by Jenn @ 7:30 AM  

Pre-game Jitters
I was a nervous wreck during the Sox Series. The only thing keeping me sane was a constant reminder that regardless what happened, the Sox already made history.

And just a week later, that thought is no longer comforting.

Voters are turning out in record numbers. But "well, at least we made history" just ain't going to cut it. Go out and vote, and do so for Kerry.

Party Loyalty
I really understand the concept of party loyalty. I have even said that I would vote for a rubber plant if the Democrats nominated it (and after Al Gore, this isn't that far off). But I simply can't understand the party loyalty to Bush. I am the first one to admit that there are unsavory people on both sides of the fence (not to mention them spineless "moderates" who are swayed by what color suit a candidate wears). Bush is one of these people. He is by far the worse president in at least the last 150 years. What exactly has he done right?

- We bombed Iraq: Now, I don't think that capturing Hussein was a bad thing. Please, I'm not that stupid. But perhaps we should be focusing on the person who actually HAS weapons of mass destruction. Oh yeah, and he probably shouldn't have let it leak that he was planning on invading Iraq anyway to finish the work Daddy started.

- He ignored memos that said we were going to get attacked. Maybe we COULDN'T have done anything to prevent 9/11....but maybe we COULD have.

- He has absolutely no credible arguments ever. His argument against gay marriage is "well, soon people will be marrying their dogs". It's comments like that that brighten my day.

- He's the most fiscally irresponsible president EVER. Well, if you're going to do something do it right.

- Oh, and he was potentially wired in the debates. Because he apparently cannot form a complete sentence in his own head.

So what did Bill O'Reilly list on Bush's list of achievements?

"We didn't get attacked again."

Well, no one has dropped an H-Bomb on Nantucket since Kerry has been a Senator either.

So why didn't the Republicans dispute?
I have heard from many, many of my Republican friends the same phrase:

"I don't like Bush, but I'm Republican so I'm voting for him."

So if Bush gets elected and crap goes down, it is on your head folks. Because you could have nominated a more suitable candidate. I'm sure John McCain could have cleared his schedule.

So go Vote
And do so for Kerry.

Or simply go out and prepare for the Apocalypse
Nuclear Bomber for Sale on Ebay

posted by Jenn @ 1:09 PM