DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Oh, Help Me Rhonda
Wal-Mart Bans George Carlin's New Book

The Dead-Hath-Risen And Are Taking Public Transportation
Train Conductor Stamps Dead Man's Ticket

It's Halloween Tomorrow
Which means it is time yet again for you to check out my classic horror reviews on www.classic-horror.com Because my promotions department is completely shameless.

Election Day looming
Get out and vote, and do so for Kerry. Because Bush is an idiot, and Kerry's wife has the ability to withhold ketchup from us.

I have absolutely nothing to report
as I am currently in Buffalo and nothing happens here.

posted by Jenn @ 10:34 AM  

You know it's a slow news day...
Polar Bear Plays with Pumpkin in the Zoo

Well, I feel Much Safer
Department of Homeland Security Busts Toy Seller for Selling Illegal Version of Rubix Cube

Fallout from the World Series
Now that the World Series has come to a close, I realized that a cataclysmic event happened unbenost to me. Namely, I missed the opening episode of the new season of South Park. This was rather mindblowing as I have shied away from Wednesday night comedy gigs in pursuit of my weekly dose of cardboard cutouts. So, of course, it seemed completely logical to stay up until 2:00 this morning to catch the new episode, despite the fact that just three hours later I would have to navigate a motorvehicle at high speeds down I-95. Using my left brain's "checks-and-balance machine" I determined that 30 minutes of perhaps the only cartoon ever I can describe as "unbearably funny" was well worth any bodily harm I could inflict from somni-driving through my morning commute.

Which is why I was relatively pissed off when the 2:00 am episode of South Park was preempted for an episode of Drawn Together, the animated reality show.

Have you seen Drawn Together yet? I got a question. How could they fuck this up? Really. The idea is brilliant. It stars parodies of Betty Boop, a superhero, a blaxploitation star, a Pokemon character, a Disney Princess, and an anime pig. At best it was only mildly funny. And I'm being generous. Or it really is brilliant and I was in my 2:00-in-the-morning-pissed-off-South-Park-isn't-on haze.

Taking Lives
Let's continue to ride the shitfest train, shall we? This just got released on DVD and I actually thought it might be good as I'm rather a big fan of police-chasing-a-murderer-through-the-bushes-movies. And here's all I'm going to say: can we just stop with the poor helpless victim turning out to be the serial killer? It's boring, predictable, and unimaginative. What happened to the guy being a random serial killer? Or a mental patient escapee? Or the butler?

And yes I know I gave a spoiler without preempting it with **********SPOILER*********. And you should thank me for it, as no other person should have to sit through a film and think:

"This movie has to end sometime if only because an infinite movie is impossible."

And Finally..
Pet Costumes $200 and Up
For $200, it better include major reconstructive surgery.

posted by Jenn @ 6:30 AM  

Fuck You, Babe
In case you have been living under a rock this morning: THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! End of Days Emergency kits are now available at Fenway Park which include:

1) A flame retardant Red Sox hat to ward off any potential fire and brimstone (pink hats are available for the ladies)
2) A helmet to limit the concussion-risk of cascading frogs. See how many you can catch on your tongue! It's fun!
3) OFF Locust spray
4) A Will for your first born
5) A box of Over-the-Counter Tylenol for Bubonic Plague Sufferers
6) Sunglasses with no UV protection (for gazing upon a blackened sun)
7) A full body condom (especially comes in handy when swimming in seas of blood to escape the recently- rose-again dead)
8) Ear plugs (the seven trumpeters get quite noisy)
9) A very comfortable lawn chair. The line to get Jesus' autograph is likely quite long.

Also, the city of Boston requests that all drivers stay to the right of the road to permit room for the saints to march. Thank you. Have a Joyous Judgment Day everyone!

By the way, I'm really surprised no one mentioned already that the moon was blood red last night, which is in fact one of the Biblical Signs of the Final Generation.

The Missing Link from Middle Earth:
Hobbitt Remains Found in Australia

posted by Jenn @ 6:31 AM  

An Exciting Night for Mankind
Wake the kids, phone the neighbors, and pack lots of duct tape! It's Armageddon! Catch the latest signs before you implode!
1) A Lunar Eclipse
2) Bush is ahead in the polls
3) Red Sox Could Win the World Series
4) Lawmakers Decide Budget by Foodfight
5) Zsa Zsa Gabor Inducted into the Movie Hall of Fame

In the "Now the media is making shit up" files:
Jailed Street Children in Excrement Protest

And Quite Possibly the Funniest Headline Ever:
George W. Bush named "Movie Villain of the Year"

Allrighty. I am being light on blogging today as I have to write an article for Zoiks! that I should have had in a long damn time ago. Go Sox. I'll see the rest of you in the afterlife.

posted by Jenn @ 1:19 PM  

Yet another words-that-have-never-gone-together-before headline
Monk's Insect Powder Sparks Anthrax Scare

Just in from the geriatric community...
World's Oldest Man Cheering for Red Sox

Methinks they need to do some downsizing in the British PR Office...
Britons want next US President to be Homer Simpson
British Military Enlists First Satanist
British Man Loses his License for drunk driving a ride-on lawnmower

And the best for last...
"Bush Relatives For Kerry"

Oh yeah....
Victory is yours tonight, oh warriors with socks of crimson.

posted by Jenn @ 1:46 PM  

Jenn's Prediction:
I think Sox are going to take it in 6. They're going to drop the next two, and win the next two. And I hope I'm right because if it goes to game 7, I'm going to not be in New England that day. Instead, I'll be in the nearest cess-pool-o'-humanity more commonly known as Buffalo. And that's really not an appropriate location for your team's first World Series victory in 86 years. Especially as Buffalo has never had a baseball team. Or a victory.

Hence starts the march of Buffalo-based death threaters
I vow not to start shooting until I see the whites of their eyes. Or smell the BBQ Sauce and Genesee breath. Whichever comes first, really.

Transmissions from Fenway
I went to Game 1 of the World Series. And every single person who saw me after the game has asked me the same three questions. So, for the sake of my linguistic prowess I will answer them here, because I fear I'm sounding a lot like the Jetsons' chick robot.

1) Were you cold?
Fenway Park seats 33,925 people. Saturday, it seated 3,724,889 people. If the television ratings were falling, we would gladly have turned into a collective nudist colony for sake of cooling off.

2) Did you have fun?
Obviously these people spend their whole week's paycheck getting repeated floggings with cheese graters and mining picks.

3) Hey, I bet traffic sucked, huh?
Picture the state of New Mexico completely filled with automobiles of barely-functioning variety which are operated by drivers who think they are navigating Willy Wonka's great glass elevator. Then, cram all those cars into a 20 block radius around a rather large baseball stadium. And just for kicks, make sure the roads were originally designed for people who were moving livestock on foot. If that fits into your idea of sucking, well then I guess it did.

Just for fun
We haven't announced our Game 5 pitcher yet because we're not expecting to get that far. If we do have to go to Game 5, you know what I think would be a fun prank to play on the Cardinals? Announce that our game 5 pitcher will be:

Tom Brady.

Just to see who the fuck they come back with. I would love to tune into Game 5 and hear:

"It's Game 5 of the Series and Tom Brady is going to be pitching against one of the fuckers who built the arches".

posted by Jenn @ 1:15 PM  

Dear Relatively Dead Bambino,

Let me be the first one to welcome you back from your vacation. We know how much voodoo-esque curses can take out of a deceased person, and we certainly agree that you deserve the rest as given by your dedication in the curse and hex field for the Red Sox corporation over the last 86 years.

In your absence the Red Sox ran several efficiency studies on all our employees. Unfortunately, we have discovered that your position is no longer deemed "productive", and therefore we will be deleting it immediately. As you may or may not realize, professional baseball is an expensive enterprise, even without the increasing costs of steroids. Frankly, our new budget does not allow for a full time doomsday sayer, regardless how proficient he is. So effective immediately, you and Julio- the Popcorn Seller from Yonkers - will be downsized. We are quite sorry about this.

We do have quite an extensive severance package which includes full health care benefits which of course you can not utilize as you are dead. However, we also would like to extend an offer to transfer you to another team who is looking for a proficient cursehound to blame for their repeated failures or perpetual underdog status. Currently, we have available:

- The 2004 Miami Dolphins
- The Clippers (any year, really)
- WNBA team (your choice)
- Any soccer team not from Brazil
- Any team who habitually plays in Buffalo
- The Bad News Bears
- The Jamiacan bobsled team
- The Teamsters

Also, I hear Ralph Nader is still looking for a running mate. You may want to look into that.

Thank you,

The Boston Red Sox

And now, The Cardinals
And I'm going to Game 1. I must remember to wear a bullet proof vest.

NEW SUPERMAN IS: BRANDON ROUTH!
Umm...who?

posted by Jenn @ 10:49 AM  

Dear Red Sox,
Your win caused a great deal of good feelings around the city as evidenced by the excessive rioting and pre-Doomsday looting. I am proud to say that I have retrieved all my stolen inner organs from last night's riots and the beer bottle has now been dislodged from my eye socket. Not to mention, it is so much easier to see animals crossing the road when you are driving down Mass Ave. in an overturned car. Though it may seem unlikely, your win actually prevented a great variety of chaos. I, for one, am overjoyed that the yuppie population can now take a sigh of relief knowing that the plans to commit arson on Yankee Candles has been foiled.

Since this event happens as often as the passing of Halley's, or an equally elusive, comet, I just have one request. Namely, that you finish this series as quickly as possible. We are a very weary fandom. Many of us have not had sleep, sustenance, and sexual activity in over a week. This is very bad for our health, not to mention making us very grumpy. So we would be happy if you can end the post season early-- preferably before the final stages of anorexia and zombification take hold-- so the rest of us can return to our normal activities of daily living such as driving like latent renegade angels and procreating more Sox fans. Thank you.

Cardinals or Astros
Personally I think we can beat both of these teams, but the collective thinking is that the Astros seem less threatening. But that's because no one knows what the hell an astro is.

An astro, defined:
From dictionary.com

astro - A star or a celestial body.

In general, celestial bodies are relatively non-violent except for the asteroids that randomly plow into lifeform-laden planets. However, even an asteroid crash can be predicted years in advance in which we respond by sending up a little white spaceship that spins around and around, shooting and breaking up asteroids to the tune of cheap video game music stolen from Tron. The problem is that in the event that all the asteroids are wiped clean from the proverbial screen, they somehow manage to reappear spontaneously and - apparently catching a deep space current or violating laws of inner planetary locomotion - move twice as fast as the first time you wiped them out.

Or we can just hope for cardinals as they can be just be smacked on the head with a ball peen hammer.

posted by Jenn @ 3:37 PM  

Dear Red Sox,
Thank you so much for responding so favorably to my letter yesterday. The extra hours of sleep were most appreciated. I am proud to report that I have returned to speaking in coherent verbiage and the zombification process has reversed itself. We all know you are going to win tonight, so I have one minor request. Namely, that you drag out the game as long as possible. Frankly, I have fallen quite behind in my preparations for the Apocalypse. I still have to choose a faith, stock up on bottled water and duct tape, and make peace with whichever god I decide to go with. Not to mention, I assume I will have to go to several stores to find a fireproof mu mu to ward off the inflamed brimstone falling from the sky. By the way, traffic control is going to be an issue as the streets will be filled with marching saints, Apocalyptic horses, and the dead-who-hath-rose-again (who will likely be operating their own motor vehicles if Ghostbusters is in any way accurate). Again, thank you for your cooperation.

posted by Jenn @ 7:30 AM  

Dear Red Sox,
I am quite glad that you have decided to join the rest of us in the playoffs. We are happy to report that the city's disposition has changed from homicidal hostility back to its normal blatant prickishness. Not to mention, Boston drivers have ceased using their vehicles as suicide bombers and have returned to using them primarily to cause mass genocide of pedestrians. I, for one, commend you on this restoration.

I have one small request. Namely, that you finish the next game in less than, say, 47 innings. Apparently you are unaware that a game that starts at 5:00 p.m. should not be preempting infomercials. In fact, this is a blatant violation of the time space continuum. I believe it is safe to say that the entire Red Sox fandom is now out of sick days and is walking around in a collective sleep-deprived stupor. Given the season, this makes us prime candidates to be attacked by zombies. This is rather undesirable as some of us are brain surgeons, and it's a medical ethics faux pas to consume cerebral matter of your patients - even if one is under a curse or is very, very hungry. Not to mention, I have activities I need to do during the day that requires me to be to use an uneaten-brain for, such as operating my Vehicle of Pedestrian Destruction.

I thank you in advance for your compliance with this matter.

Arbitrary Link of the Day:
The World Toilet Organization

posted by Jenn @ 7:27 AM  

A "Now You Know" Moment Brought to you by deJENNerate.com
The Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time

Dear Mr. Bush,
As a resident of this great nation that you are currently "running" (I use this term loosely), I have a small request. As you probably know, it looks like Florida is going to fuck it up again. This would look very bad as you've already exceeded your limit of stolen elections. Therefore, I respectfully ask that you send a memo to all the residents of Florida asking that they do not vote this year. If necessary, offer to buy everyone an ice cream cone. They will appreciate it as many of their refrigerators are now located in the Gulf of Mexico. And to those who insist on voting, just gently remind them that 15 days is more than enough time to pack up and move to Louisiana. Thank you.

Jenn's Movie reviews

The movie-I-had-to-see-and-dug: Team America: World Police. Not as punchy and offensive as I would like, but still very funny and worthy of a DVD purchase. It got criticized for being "chock-full-of-jabs-at-left-wingers". This is a rather blatant case of fucktardia. I believe that the concept of World Police-who-by-the-way-happen-to-be-puppets-and-tote-oozies-and-blow-up-Cairo-and-the-Eiffel-Tower-and-the Louvre-causing-mass-destructions-for-absolutely-no-apparent-reason qualifies as ridiculous ENOUGH so that it might be at least a MINOR jab at Iraq-war-like tendencies of those that sit on the right. Unless of course Bush has run out of ideas and really did send in the marionette squad already.

The-movie-I-should-have-seen-20-years-ago: Beverly Hills Cop. Dug it. First time viewing. Rather pathetic revelation.

The-movie-I-should-have-dug-but-didn't: Best of Show. Ho-hum humor for easily amused viewers. Or I shouldn't have been watching it at 5:00 this morning.

And yet a new case of "Let's put words together that have never been together before and make a news headline out of it"
Pilgrims Flock to Honor Idiot Savant Saint

This is why we need to start fixing that hole in the ozone
Satellite Crashes into China Resident's Roof

posted by Jenn @ 1:20 PM  

Call me Scrooge McDuck
I've come to the conclusion that in keeping with my zodiac sign of Capricorn, I am rather money hungry (which is what I blame all my negative personality characteristics on despite the fact the Zodiac was created under the rather mistaken notion that the earth is the center of the universe. I'm sure it's a slight misnomer and horoscopes really do have a place in the rational world. Yeah, that's it.). Anyway, I came to this conclusion that despite the fact that I make very good damn money, I volunteered to work this weekend at the prison, which as many of you know...I despised.

Despised is a harsh word
All right, disliked. Which is in thesaurus.com as a synonym for despised.

Anyway
A prison is a very, very stressful place which one may expect when one's work day revolves around avoiding being raped and pillaged. When it became clear that I could make a living without working in a place that requires firearms and at least one person shitting in the cafeteria out of pure spite per fiscal year, well..I had to take myself up on that offer.

But, I have a spending addiction
The truth is, I do miss some of the people. They were very good cats. And the fact of the matter is, I can never have too much money. I love buying shit. For myself....for other people...for other people's ferrets....whatever. I'm not a spendthrift as I do have an adequately filled savings account, I am more than comfortable, can pay all my bills and still have some left over. But there's this rather cool DVD set of Law and Order I want, and a Sony Handycam Camcorder, and a DVD-R recorder, and....and...

I think you get my point.

Other weekend news...
If you get severely lost on your way to Newport and end up in North Grafton (as that is the only known reason to be in North Grafton), come and see me at The Two Cousins Restaurante which is surely a restaurant that should be in Alabama somewhere.

And hence starts the dejennerate.com's Alabama contingent's letter writing
campaign
Lucky for me, I can just close my windows to hide from the carrier pigeons.

posted by Jenn @ 4:58 PM  

Jesus Bush Falls for the Third Time
And thank god for that. Kerry spoke clearly and trumped Bush on every point, while Bush responded in a manner that I would expect from the bumbling Milton in Office Space. Originally, I was worried that Kerry would not fare well in the debates, which is a legitimate concern when one's current party leader looks very much like Boris Karloff. Historically, the candidate who looks relatively normal tends to fare better than one who should be scaring small children.

Which makes me wonder...
If John Edwards would the primary candidate, would there even be this close of a race? Throughout American history, a damn-hot presidential candidate has almost EXCLUSIVELY beaten the homelier candidate. Bill Clinton, JFK....the list goes on. The attractiveness of the Vice President is expected to be horrendously deficient, because if someone comes along and assassinates the President, you want a damn scary dude to take over to kick the terrorist's ass.

Which is why the 2008 Democratic Nominee should be...
Alec Baldwin with Vice President Lyle Lovett. Clean Sweep, I say.

And the whole reason I watched the debate...
I can't bear watching the Red Sox lose. Which is rather interesting as I am from Buffalo, and phrases such as "No Goal" and "Two Feet Wide Right" are embedded into my lexicon.

Oh, who didn't see this coming?
Martha considers writing a book on prison experience
So, it's officially OK for everyone to stop feeling sorry for her. So quit it. Now.

Latest news from the pedophiliac community...
Children's Vibrating Duck Sponge Banned from Flea Market when Deemed a Sex Toy
The woman is aghast at this accusation because she says it is a harmless child's toy that her toddler just loves to play with.

Her day job is selling adult lotions and toys at home parties.

"How many times have I told you to stay out of Mommy's toy box?"

posted by Jenn @ 1:00 PM  

You got to be fucking kidding me.
Kid May Face Jail Time for Using Foul Language

posted by Jenn @ 9:38 AM  

I live in Boston, so I see no problem with this activity...
Man Pays Parking Ticket with Money Smeared in Excrement

Hey Look! I'm Happy to Be Polish Again!
World Sex Championships to Take Place in Warsaw

A New phrase for my lexicon...Elephant Treadmill

Martha Stewart Begins Prison Sentence
I, for one, am glad that she decided to do her prison sentence. She could have gone with the appeal, but for whatever reasons (most of which I'm sure is for a sympathy vote), she sucked it up and did her time. There is an open letter on her website that says that says in 700 words of longwinded "I know you feel sorry for me" babble that this is the first step of putting this nightmare behind her.

Has anyone told her she's only going to be in for five months?

As in almost half the time it takes for a human pregnancy.

I've worked in a maximum security prison. I've SEEN minimum security prisons. It's one step down from day camp. Quite frankly, our troops in Iraq have it much harder than she has. It is not going to be pleasant (especially with her celebrity stauts), but it's going to be over and done with by the beginning of 2005. I genuinely hope she gets out relatively OK. But she's making it really hard for me to feel really sorry for her. Every time I'm on the verge of sympathy, she opens her drama queen mouth and I think:

So she may have to wear a hairnet and serve food. Big fucking deal.

Beats spending your remaining days in lockdown with a crackwhore named Bam Bam who wants to play house.

posted by Jenn @ 1:39 PM  

Dear Cable Company,
For the last several weeks, my remote control has been missing. As I am clinically obese and generally object to moving all together, this has hampered my ability/willingness to change the channel when a highly addictive piece of stupidity comes across the air waves. Without my handy "un-stupidity" clicker available, some of your very stupid, but somehow mesmerizing shows have actually weakened my muscoskeletal system so I can not physically get up and change the channel, and end up wasting my day watching them. This is really getting in the way of my daily living activities and quite frankly my cat is rather pissed off that I am using her TV room literbox. Therefore, until I locate my remote, I respectfully ask that you remove the following shows from my cable viewing experience:

• Brady Bunch Marathons
• Friday Night Fear-for-All: 5 hours of Fear Factor
• Any marathon of the Law and Order Persuasion
• I Love the 80's (especially when there is more than 3 in the series)
• Any E! Countdown Show
• Any movie I have seen more than 34 times (See attached list)
• Any makeover, home designing, or liposuction show where there's a significant chance someone will be crying at the end.

Where Are They Now? Today's episode - The cast of Rocky and Bullwinkle
Canada in Legal Fight to Deport Flying Squirrel

New addition to the Irony Files:
Firefighters Teaching Fire Safety - Set Off Blaze

posted by Jenn @ 1:55 PM  

Vice Presidents Debate Tonight
And I have yet to hear a valid reason WHY vice-presidents need to debate. It's like the comedy stylings of Freddy Prinze by Freddy Prinze Jr.

Speaking of angry comics...
Fairly adequate segue. Anyway, the latest trend in the stand up comedy community is that comics trash each other's act, craft, etc. on message boards under anonymous screen names. Most of the time they're joking - sometimes they're not. One of my friends who is fairly new to comedy emailed me because he got absolutely ripped his act on a message board for asking a question about strengthening his comedy writing - a full fledged asshole ripping " you'll never make it, etc.". By the things he said, it was clear this was someone who knew this new comic quite well.

To that guy.....get some motherfucking balls, man. If you're going to say something about his craft, then have the guts tell it to his face or post your name to it. Because, honestly? You look like a pussy. If you were the STRONG comic like you claim to be, then you should know that your first year is the most shit-inducing year of your comic career. It takes a tremendous amount of balls to do it in the first place. Unless of course, you were Richard Pryor right from your first open mike. If you think so, then you are full of shit. Get off you're fucking high horse.

It's days like these I wish I had an account on that board.

And in the news....
Vibrating Sex Toy Shuts Down Airport

Man Mistakenly Cuts Off Penis, Dog Eats It

posted by Jenn @ 1:13 PM