DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Well, Jason Priestly and Keanu Reeves didn't piss them off enough, so why doesn't Canada Build a Memorial to American Draft Dodgers

Yes, we need more reasons for prison rape
Beauty pageant, prison style

BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!
Bush's Hometown Paper Endorses Kerry

Triumphant Return to The Comedy Studio
Returned to The Comedy Studio after my triumphant return from Vegas. Had a halfway decent set. Did some new stuff. Some worked really well, some just didn't, but overall, I wasn't overly self-loathing. And I just had a damn great time with the comics. I'm loving the Boston scene.

No real ending today, so I'll just say adieu.

posted by Jenn @ 7:06 AM  

A lesson in non-sequitur..
Protesters Dump Dead Animals, Go Topless

I'm Going to Start Saying I'm Greek...
Polish Man Lies Down on Tracks, Gets run over by Train

The clincher???
"We didn't have any evidence of a beating ... so we had to treat it as a simple train accident."

I believe the TRAIN MARKS ON HIS BACK is enough evidence that the train started the altercation.

I will never understand why some things are considered "News"...
108-Year Old Man Starts Smoking Again
How come a news reporter is never around when I worship at my Altars for Demonic Orgies?

Dad....check on Mom
And when she is no longer breathing with machine assistance, tell her I don't really have an Altar for Demonic Orgies.

Conan O'Brien to Take over for Leno in 5 Years
Well played, young peacock. Well played.

posted by Jenn @ 1:20 PM  

Mental Note: It is Generally Contraindicated Telling Boyfriend An Amusing Anecdote While He is Chugging a Blue Thunder Margarita
As it tends to come out his nose. GREEN. So those who know my boyfriend, make sure to call him either "Linda" or "Blair" or "Shrek" today.

Note to the Man on the First Floor I Pass by Everyday on my Walk:
Listen, I'm fat. You're fat. So lets make a deal. If you close your drapes when you are strutting around your home without a shirt, I won't come strutting by in a sportsbra and hot pants. Thank you.

Say What???
Teacher Sends 6-year-old Home With His Feces in a Bag
"It generally appears the teacher was trying to help raise awareness with the family,"
On WHAT? Pooper scooping laws?

Does This Seem Like a Particularly Wise Idea?
Donate Blood? Get Two Beers

posted by Jenn @ 8:40 AM  

Thou Shalt Not Complain about Thy Job...
Dogs Trained to Sniff Urine to Detect Bladder Cancer in Humans

Montana....Now with More Lapsed Brain Synapses!
Montana Man Changes His Name to "They"

The GOP's New "We Don't Have a Platform, so We're Just Making Up Shit" Policy
Putting Ketchup on Your Burgers is Now a Vote for the Democrats

And I thought I fell asleep during Creature Feature...
Monster Mushrooms Overtake Switzerland

Last Speaker of a 400-year old Language Dies
So, who is going to read the will?

ALMOST OCTOBER!
We're coming up to my favorite month because I LOVE HALLOWEEN! I'm a huge, huge fan of classic horror films, and this is the only month I get to see them on TV.

Not-Necessarily- Subtle plug ahead..
So this means it is time for you to check out www.classic-horror.com and read my movie reviews. NOW. Don't make me use my mind-control-device-with-spinning-spiral-that-doesn't-measure-anything.

Have a great weekend, folks!

posted by Jenn @ 7:14 AM  

Why is this considered news?
Paris Hilton Says Looks Do Not Matter

What do you know, Darwin was right.
Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her for a Monkey

Bush says: Terrorists may plan more attacks
I got that much information out of my Magic 8 Ball.

And we wonder why the prisons are overcrowded
Court Rules that a Horse is not a Vehicle

"....were charged with drunken driving along with a man driving a pickup who allegedly rear-ended the horse Travis was riding.... "

You may think this story happened in small town in those rectangular shaped states in the middle of the country. This would be a logical conclusion as horses are rather indigenous to the west as indicated by the plethora of Arabians and mustangs featured in movies considered to be a part of the western genre. However, at the time of this blogging, this was posted on hour and 43 minutes ago....

From PITTSBURGH.

As in the somewhat major metropolis of Pennsylvania. Yes, I understand that Alcatraz Island is considered a major metropolis to Pennsylvania. Not to mention, Pennsylvania contains some rather odd people...like the Amish. However, taking to account Pittsburgh is the home of Heinz, Rolling Rock Beer, The Mongolian Clusterfuckish Pennsylvania Turnpike, and the only Spaghetti Warehouse semi commutable to me when I'm home in Buffalo:

"...a man driving a pickup truck allegedly rearended into the horse Travis is riding..."

My Magic 8 ball says there will be a plague of locusts will in any day now.

And you thought it was just a toy...
Locusts Expected to Destroy 1/3 of the Grain Crop
I'm beginning to think the Democrats should place my Magic 8 ball against Dubya.

And Suddenly the Four Horses of the Pittsburgh Apocalypse Seem Pathetically Mundane...
Witches Join Prime Minister in Biography Roll Call

And finally, if you need yet another reason to avoid exercise:
Safe Haven for Naked Yoga

PS: Famed exploitation director, Russ Meyer died
All female undergarments should be worn at half mast today.

posted by Jenn @ 1:29 PM  

I SO shouldn't think this headline is funny...
Falling Cruicifix Kills Woman

The beginning of machines overtaking man...
Cell phone Created to Detect Bad Breath

And the Most Amusing Headline of the Minute Award goes to...
Blackberry Picker Causes Railroad Chaos

That's it folks. I'll blog longer tomorrow.

posted by Jenn @ 7:30 AM  

Mythical Figures Strike Back after Media Onslaught....
As I blogged last week, I was getting quite perturbed with the onslaught of mythical creatures. First, it was deemed that the Loch Ness Monster was deemed OK to hunt and shortly, Santa Claus no longer had landing clearance in some airports. But finally, FINALLY the imaginary friends of the world have retaliated after a ghost closed a school.

Hey...them ghosts are getting quite crafty...
Man Presumed Dead Calls Daughter at Wake

What's the chances this chick is trying out for Fear Factor?
Malaysian Women Stays 31 days in a box with 3400 scorpions

What's the chances this guy is a writer for Fear Factor?
Man Accused of Shitting on Produce

Florida: we can't count, but we got gunpowder!
Kids Explode bomb in McDonalds over a Bad Milkshake

Let's face it, John Kerry just rocks.
When asked who was going to sit and who was going to stand when Bush and Kerry are going to square off in the debates Kerry said,

"We compromised, and George Bush is going to sit on Dick Cheney's lap."

And when he was reading from the Top Ten List on the Letterman Show last night regarding Bush's tax cut proposal:

"No estate tax for families with at least two US presidents."

posted by Jenn @ 1:11 PM  

Two sitcoms submitted...
Bravotv is having a contest called Situation:Comedy where non-tv writers compete for sitcom stardom. I threw two in the ring: one that I wrote by myself and one that I wrote with another comic in the area. They were suppose to be postmarked on Saturday. They were postmarked 11:59 am Saturday. This is because I started writing mine at 4:00 am Saturday. After I sent it in, I noticed several parts where I skipped periods. I assume this is fine because I also found several parts where I had one too many periods. So it balanced out.

Which brings me to my latest self-affirming herd of emails.
This weekend, I received literally swarms of emails from my friends suggesting I had a low self esteem regarding my writing because I'm never happy with it. I am simply a realist. I know what my writing limits and strengths are and can fully accept the fact that sometimes my very best is not good enough. There are certain pieces I am just not meant to write. This doesn't meant that they would not be considered "good" to the untrained eye, but they do not meet my highest standards. Ninety percent of what I write do not meet these standards, and therefore they are pieces that I deem "adequate enough", but not exceptional. It is these pieces I am not particularly proud of. For the record, none of the pieces on this site meet my highest standards, but I liked them enough to put them here.

These "upper level standards" are there because I have written pieces in which I've surprised myself, such as the last draft of my movie script Lipstick and the final draft of Public Health Disturbance. Even in its early days when there was dialogue issues, the quality of Lipstick was there, and now it is truly beautiful....which is evident by the fact it got picked up by the first movie company I sent it to. When the test audiences came back for Public Health Disturbance, 98% highly recommended the book. No one didn't recommend the book.

I've always believed "it's not bragging if its true". When all is said and done, I know I am a very good writer, occasionally bordering on exceptional. In 10 years I've been writing professionally, I jumped from "decent" to "above average" to "borderline exceptional". If I keep my standards at my almost-impossibly high level, I will make the leap into exceptional. I hope all you will be along for the ride.

Another revelation...
I discovered that no matter what, I will always be a stronger comedy writer than a comedian. And this is actually saying something. If I didn't believe I had stand up talent, I wouldn't be have come back every time I quit. I have bombed 13 times out of at least 667 shows. That's damn good odds.

I can accept the fact that my stage presence is adequate, but not a strength. But, I also believe the very best stage presence does not make up for poor writing. Or at least I hope so, because if not I'm rather fucked. For right now, it seems to be the case, because even on nights my stage presence has been "off", the writing usually sees me through (except if the club is a euphemism for "ass").


And now, in the news....

This seemed like a good idea after the NRA weekend bender...
Assault Weapon Named After Vodka

This seemed like a good idea after the PTA weekend bender...
High School Students Given Shotglasses as Homecoming souvenir

In the "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" Department
Man Sues Wife after 5-Day Sex Denial

"You don't want the wind going where the wind shouldn't go."
Nude Beach Cleanup Party

posted by Jenn @ 1:01 PM  

Gary Gulman, Alonzo Bodden, and Jay London
Coming to Providence and Boston the last week in October. I may have to go. Gary is quite a legend up in the Boston area. I met him briefly a couple years ago (before I even moved out to Boston permanently) and several of my comic colleagues are pretty tight with him. The other 2 I can take or leave, but I would be interested in seeing Gary. I'm wondering if he'll make a stop at The Comedy Studio that Sunday....hmmmm.

A new addition to my irony collection...
A Bus of Policemen Robbed by Thieves

posted by Jenn @ 11:42 AM  

Announcement: I am NOT Quitting Comedy
I received 7 emails from concerned friends and family asking if I was quitting the business again after my off performance, Monday. Because this is what Jenn used to do. Because Jenn used to have the personality of Baby Herman from Roger Rabbit. Jenn has since grown out of this rather unhealthy activity (especially after cigar smoking was banned). So, unfortunately, Boston comedy will have to continue suffer my wrath. I didn't even do horrendous, but it was way below caliber of what I usually do. So, I'm officially over it.

Really?
Well, the cringe factor has come to a minimum anyway. And the suicide fairy hasn't been around for a few hours.

I'm beginning to think you have major pathological, almost sociopathic, perfectionist issues.
I take offense to that. It happens to be true, but I'm still offended.

The Coup de Gras....will you be returning to The Backside?
I have no choice. I'm being held by my short and curlies by their calzone chef. Which is really not that bad of an arrangement for me.

posted by Jenn @ 6:00 AM  

Bombing at the Backside
Woo.....whee! Did I ever drop a stink bomb doing stand up at The Backside Tavern tonight. This tends to occur when you do 2 long bits that you have no business doing as you are the co-host and should be doing one-liners about douche commercials. But, whatever. I was long overdo for a bomb anyway. I don't think I have bombed since starting comedy in Boston, and quite frankly the image of strangling myself with the microphone cord while Johnny Depp publicly goes down on me while wearing his Benny and Joon outfit was getting a little faded. So, I'm proud to report my auto-erotic-suicide fantasy is back to full luminescence, as well it should be.

And Numerology Yet Again Foils Personal Responsibility
A while ago, I started keeping this electronic diary of my shows with a brief summary of what bits did well and what needed work. Tonight was my 666th entry. So I suppose I should be grateful the crowds didn't deem me adequate for their Monday night Not-Necessarily-a-Virgin Sacrifice and Pig Roast Luau.

The Silver Lining in the Mist of the Atomic Fallout....
I did meet a very funny lady who I heard about quite a bit around the area, but never seen: Denise Robichau. One simply doesn't meet enough intelligent perverts these days. In effort to completely avoid my impending writing deadline this evening, I read her blog. It's quite funny, incisive, and adequate mastabatory material for days the porn sites are running slow.

Comic Birthday is Coming...
I just realized that in 2 weeks will be exactly 10 years since I did my first open mike at a now-deceased club in Buffalo. I also realized that I have a really difficult time deciding how long I've actually been doing comedy for. Technically, it's been 10 years. I took 2 years off, so I don't count those...but at least 3 of those other years I did it really sporadically because I was focusing on comedy writing or my improv troupe or whatever. So should I be saying 4-5? Or stick with 8 because it's numerically accurate? For the time being, I'm consulting my Ouija Board for guidance on this issue. So, this week, I've been doing comedy for 337 years. Please stay tuned for an update next week.

Jenn's Comedy Trivia Stats for the last 10 years...

Number of times Bombed: 13 (and the 13th was on the 666th entry. Apparently, my soul has a "For Sale" sign on it)
Number of states worked in (open mike or otherwise): 31
Number of times worked in hometown of Buffalo: 10
Number of times worked in Alabama: 32
Number of times Jenn's quit: 16
Number of times Jenn's quit for good: 4
Number of times opened for a pig judging competition: 1
Number of Bulgarian bartenders taken home: 2
Number of Non-Bulgarian bartenders taken home: 0
Number of bartenders kidnapped: 22
Number of former prison inmates that came to show: 1
Number of current prison inmates that came to show: 1
Number of people who's asked if she's related to Benny Hill: 113

posted by Jenn @ 3:48 AM  

A sad, sad week for mythical beings everywhere.
First, it became legal for the Loch Ness Monster to be hunted. Now, Santa Claus's sleigh doesn't have airport landing clearance. I fear that by the end of the week, Elvis will be declared dead.

Necrophilia now illegal in California
Good thing this guy made it under the wire: Man Eats Grandson's Corpse

UUUUUUUUGGGHHH....JENN!
Too crude for Lunch Period Blogging? Perhaps.

But don't tell me if you saw those two headlines together that you wouldn't be thinking the same damn thing.

Arnold converted into a Girlie Man Doll
Hard to imagine the politics of a known Cyborg would be subjected to mockery.

Ummmm......
Man Who Cut off Male Genitals Deemed Guilty of Practicing Medicine Without a License

Which brings to the Funny euphemism for the Week...
Transsexual surgeries are now called gender "reassignments". Like you're changing cubicles or something.

posted by Jenn @ 1:01 PM  

This just in...
Lauren Bacall, still a bitch

Custom made for Ann Coulter
George W. Bush porno video

Hey Goober...is that Unicorn a 6-pointer?
Loch Ness Monster declared legal to hunt

In Dlugos news:

I'm writing a sitcom. *shrugs*

posted by Jenn @ 1:37 PM  

Looking for that housewarming gift for your arch enemy?
Nothing quite says "Go Fuck Yourself" than "Go Fuck Yourself" crosstitch

Someone you'll find at the unemployment office...
Man Shoots Himself While Demonstrating Gun Safety

Prisoners Breed Spiders to get High from Venom
In related news, a portal to hell was opened today when 3 Satanists viewed Spiderman entirely in rewind.

Wait a second...

"The records also showed that a 16-inch marijuana plant was found growing."

Yeah....it was the SPIDERS getting them high.

In a Bout of Legal Efficiency, the Spider Criminals Were Arraigned Today, and...
Marijuana Plants Were Found Growing Outside a Courthouse

posted by Jenn @ 11:57 AM  

Pizza Smut

I indeed have found the grossest pizza on the planet. Some of you may say, "Well, you are probably a picky eater." Au contrair. In fact, I have a rather long list of pizza eating credentials.

• I was born and raised in the area of Buffalo, NY: home of the chicken wings (NOT Buffalo wings which are an abomination of all things poultry) and also the home of the very best pizza in the Milky Way galaxy (and possibly beyond). Buffalonians take pizza and wings very seriously. People formerly from Buffalo have been known to bring Buffalo pizza and wings back to their current state and/or country because all other pizza and wings from all other places do not hold a Bunsen Burner to Buffalo's pizza parlors.
• I am clinically obese which came from 28 years of a pizza, peanut butter cups, and beer diet plan.
• I am willing to start a petition to the Food and Drug Administration to ban all thin crust pizza or any form of "healthy choice pizza". A satisfactory slice of pizza should contain the calories of an average obese bovine, the fat content of Marlon Brando's carcass, and enough carbs to cause 50% of low carb dieters in a 2000 mile radius to spontaneously combust.
• However, despite my distaste for thin crust pizza, I will eat and possibly enjoy it, if not in the double fisting fashion of Buffalo pizza.

With all that being said, I am clearly more than qualified to shake my oppressive fist at this minion of mozzarella evil posing as a suitable pizza parlor. The place is located in central Providence (forgive me for not glimpsing the name while I was self-inducing vomiting sessions). You should be able to recognize it because it emits an odor of burnt lamb (which they do not serve) and antiperspirant (which they do not wear). The pizza itself is misleading as it possesses all the qualities of a satisfactory pizza (thick crust, 5 kilos of toppings, and a complimentary angioplasty). However, upon further introspection, the crust of the pizza appeared to be green. And it tasted.... green. Not to mention, this reminded me very much of the cow bile pizza I saw being eaten on Fear Factor. After my second bite I was rather convinced that addition of cow bile to the batter would not diminish the taste whatsoever, and in fact may enhance the dining experience if only to gross out my compadres by telling them I am consuming cow pre- feces.

This is not to say that this pizza does not have any use on the planet. Perhaps it can be incorporated into some type of frat hazing or be packaged and sold in Jimbos Joke Shop with hot pepper bubble gum. Addition of ears or possibly a tail could make it look like a convincing piece of roadkill in your elderly neighbor's driveway. Not to mention it surely has a hopeful career as a catalyst to grow one's own radioactive superhero and/or villain.

For some reason, the pizza parlor manager was not interested in these suggestions. Perhaps I'll try again when he's in a better mood, or when the court order wears off.

Have a great weekend, folks!

posted by Jenn @ 1:57 PM  

Why I am not Switching Animals....

In the last few days, some of my conservative friends have been trying to goad me into watching the GOP National Convention in attempt to get me to switch sides. I'm not sure why they care what side I'm on, or that I'm even on a side because the amount of my day I spend thinking about politics could be equated to the minutes of meaningful dialogue on The Anna Nicole Smith Show. Most years I remember to vote about 3 weeks after election day which is around the time my liberal grandmother and my conservative grandfather get into an argument about a Niagara Falls mayor who's been out of office for 40 years now. So I'm not exactly a Ross Perot-esque threat to any registered pachyderm.

So my friends, who take my non-passionateness as a weakness rather than sheer apathy for all those who kiss babies, believe they can convert me. However, I have some character traits that prevent me from ever switching over to the GOP.

1) I could care less about my taxes. Why? Because I make good money. Jack them up. Don't really care.

2) I do not let invisible men in the sky dictate my behavior. Until the Supreme Being comes down from the sky and addresses us all on basic cable, I am not going to let a book written by 4 people who hallucinated that God was talking to them make my moral decisions for me. And I'm talking about gay rights here. I have yet to hear one argument for the prohibition of gay marriage that does not boil down to "The Bible doesn't like queers". Reality check. No one, not even your blessed Pope, knows who or what is waiting for us after we die, or if anything is waiting for us at all. There is a difference between faith and fact. The Bible is not fact. Which is why there is separation of church and state. It prevents our 2 main political parties being The Scientologists and The Satanic Czars.

Oh and...don't give me the argument that "thou shall not kill" is in the Bible which happens to also be frowned upon in the Constitution. Not killing is necessary for the continuation of mankind. The cavemen knew this long before Moses came stumbling off the mountain with his two tablets. I fail to see how stopping gays from hopping aboard Disney's Honeymoon Cruises is necessary for humankind to thrive.

3) I don't particularly care about abortion. Using it as a birth control technique, I could care less. However, it is a necessary procedure in certain cases. I will never understand how some people could look into a raped women's eyes and say "Yes, you survived a rape, now you must subject your body through 9 months of hell while you deliver a baby who has half of your rapists' genes." or "Sorry....we could save your life, but you just have this pesky embryo to deliver in 8 months."

4) Liberals are sexier. After all, who ever heard of a good piece of elephant? (I wish that was my quote.)

So there we go....to all my readers who wanted to see me get political. I look forward to the sure onslaught of death threats and computer trojans.

posted by Jenn @ 7:18 AM  

More from yesterday's SexGate...
Man arrested for Having Sex with a Blow-up Doll in the Mall

Holy Snausages, Underdog!
Dog Bites Off Man's Genitals
Give your dog a Milk Bone, or he'll get it himself.

Last Comic Standing 3...Already?
When the hell did the new season start? I didn't notice. Honestly? I'm not caring all that much either. Part of the appeal of Last Comic Standing was 10 over-sexed, embittered, self-absorbed comics trapped in a house for a couple weeks. When I saw that the new season was going to take Season 1 and 2 and have them compete against each other, I mistakenly assumed that we were going to throw them into a proverbial pot, stir in a couple scandals, false rumors, and failed Alliance connections, and sit back to enjoy a two-fold, house against house, comic versus comic, ego-inflated bitch slapping and drop kicking death match. Instead, the whole season is everyone performing heavily censored versions of their nightclub acts while a bunch of barely legals who hijacked their parent's Internet username vote on each comic's demise while simultaneously calling him or her "hacks" on messageboards because he or she didn't make any references to flaming flatulence or oversized sea cucumbers ramming into undersized bearded clams.

But, since Last Comic Standing is the only thing short of Fox News that most of my comic friends are capable of bitching about for entire 15 minute stretches, I'll keep one wandering eye on this latest glorified beauty pageant which stemmed from the wet dreams of NBC executives. At least I can make fun of how much Jay Mohr is looking like Eminem's love child these days.

posted by Jenn @ 12:24 PM