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Noisy Sex Session Awakens Entire Street

People having more fun than the folks in the above article
80 Revelers Caught with Pants Down

People who make the 80 Revelers look like "fun-haters"
Naked Escalator Riders Terrorize Barcelona

posted by Jenn @ 12:45 PM  

Back from Vegas, Victorious!
I won 1st prize for "Most Promising in Comedy". I got a large phallus-like trophy and (insert Eric Cartman dance) "I'm going to be on tel-e-vi-sion!"

When?

October 3rd, 4th, or 5th. I'll update when I know.

Where?

On the PAX Network.

Do I get that channel?

No.

Back to the regularly scheduled brain spewing...

In the "I don't know where to start with this category"...
Sexually Frustrated Chimp Takes up Smoking

This is what happens when you let the public come up with ideas for dealing with terrorism.
Capture 110 pounds of locusts....get free rice!

The hot new game this Yule...
Whack the Iraqis

Bakers bake 868-pound Bagel
I foresee a Jesus-like return of Dr. Atkins emerging 3 months after his death by pushing away the giant bagel which lies in close proximity to his tomb. And then Doomsday can safely commence.

posted by Jenn @ 11:24 AM  

Final transmission before Vegas...

At approximately this time tomorrow, I will be abusing the open alcohol policy of Sin City.

Are you nervous?

Pseudo-Zen is operational.

How's that opening joke going?

Quite well, thanks.

Indeed?

Almost.

Surely you got an idea fleshed out?

Uuuummmm.....

You got nothing, do you?

No.

Aren't you people suppose to have muses working for you?

Mine left for Vegas Monday.

Well, call her beeper...

I can't.

Why not?

She married Elvis.

*blinks* An impersonator?

Nope.

(Jenn's Inner Voice stares blankly)

He gets lonely scaring Wayne Newton all day.

You suck. I'm outta here.

Hey! Aren't you going to keep me out of trouble in Vegas?

(points to Jenn's "secret" piercing)

I couldn't hear you over the Bunny Farm training video.

Have fun in Vegas...

Wait...

What?

Know any jokes?

You know what? You'll be the first to know.

So I have no inner voice for 4 days. I'll have to find out which suite the judges are staying in....

By the way...I do not have a "secret piercing", so Mom...please put the oxygen tank away.

I'll leave you on this note...
Student in hot water for putting Ex Lax in brownies....

No one ate the brownies, perhaps because rumors were circulating that they contained rat poison or marijuana.

So, did they smoke them?

On the subject of brownies....
Student Arrested for Taking a Dump

posted by Jenn @ 12:06 PM  

Kids Murder each other playing Hangman
We can only hope for the best for the young girls who play Hi-Ho Cherry-O

Dead Snake used as a Weapon
Obviously a case for Law and Order: SVU

Favorite innuendo-laden headline of the minute..
Father and Son Sink Back-to-Back Aces


Vegas
3 days. Got a strong middle and a strong closer, but no opening joke. I'm holding out hope something anedotal will happen on the plane.

posted by Jenn @ 12:36 PM  

Attention shoppers...the blue plate special today is "irony"....
Man With Knife-Proof Body Bleeds to Death

Tomb Collapse Kills Grave Robbers

I've always thought assigned seating was a bad idea....
Drunk wedding guest assaults groom

On the Dlugos front...
4 more days until my stand up comedy debut in Vegas. I've achieved a pseudo-Zen about the whole thing. Regardless how I do, I will still get my PAX network credit and I still fricking worked at the MGM Grand. Not to mention I will gain knowledge regarding Siegfried and Roy's true sexual and/or bestial origin. That's not in the contestant handbook, but I assume it's part of the MGM Grand Employee Orientation.

Notes from The Cantab...
As is stereotypic of all future obese unemployed Vegas sensations such as myself, I performed at the Cantab Lounge to 10 comics and a rather easily amused bartender. And I had a damn great time. All you comics and comedy fans.....go out on a Monday night to the Cantab. It has a fountain of youth effect. I felt like I was back smoking in my parents' garage.

By the way.....the wit is still on hiatus. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

posted by Jenn @ 12:59 PM  

No funny news...

Not one amusing headline this morning. So, I suppose I'm going to have to reach in to the depths of my own wit for a blog today.

Hmm...

My wit isn't as deep as I thought.

In fact....at this moment...I am completely devoid of wit.

Much like like a Resident Prophet of Doom, a tsar to an oppressive despot, or the writers of the Graham Norton Show.

This blog is officially on stand by until I can think of something witty. Or amusing. Or at least something remotely in the realm if drollocity which would cease any withdrawal of pre-order sales from my book.

On a related note...
I'm doing stand up comedy tonight.

*sniff sniff* Is that a bomb I smell?

posted by Jenn @ 12:42 PM  

How I love watching Bill Maher get an aneurysm....
I caught Bill Maher on a Fox News debate, and I loved every vein popping moment. It's so rare to find someone so passionate, intelligent, and just so damn funny. I may not always agree with him (though 90% of the time I do), but he's a wonder to watch. About time someone with backbone went on Fox News.

Start of hell week....
I'm working god knows how many nights in a row....and the end of the week is the show at the MGM Grand. God damn. I'm not ready! Oh well...if anything, I'll just make fun of the judge's clothes.

posted by Jenn @ 10:28 PM  

This is just too damn funny...
Ted Kennedy put on "No Fly List".
Seems like he could just get to far away places via Aunt Marge in Harry Potter, The Prisoner of Azkaban.

Have a good weekend folks.

posted by Jenn @ 12:32 PM  

Well now we know why they need those highly obscuring desks...
Judge Resigns after Caught Masturbating Under His Robes
"Miss Sherman...I need you to approach the bench..."

Look for the Cold War 2, coming to a Bush Administration Near You...
Latest Bushism pairs Russians with Iraqis

In the "How is this remotely possible?" section....
Drunk Horse-and-Buggy Driver Causes Crash
Interestingly, he hit another drunk motorist. That's some damn efficient drunk driving folks.

posted by Jenn @ 12:59 PM  

Not the brightest bulb on the tree...
Fisherman catches piranha...throws it back

Silly String Banned for Halloween...potentially Dangerous
Leave it to the government to take all the fun out of Halloween. Next they are going to start banning knitting needles, razors, and broken glass shards to stick in the Halloween candy.

Hark? Do I hear a writing campaign targeting deJENNerate.com off in the horizon?

Shameless plug ahead...
However, if you are an overly concerned parent who would ban your child from Silly String, perhaps you can take heed in deJENNerate.com's HALLOWEEN SAFETY RULES FOR THE OVERLY CONCERNED PARENT.

Oh look....I spoke too soon
Child Ho and Pimp Costumes for Sale

That's just....gross.

posted by Jenn @ 12:41 PM  

I always knew Labatts was the best...
Bear drinks 36 cans of favorite beer

The best line, of course, is:
"Agents then used a large, humane trap to capture it for relocation, baiting the trap with the usual: doughnuts, honey and, in this case, two open cans of Rainier"

"humane trap" = any such trap to catch large, and potentially morbidly obese, land mammals in which said animal may only expire of natural causes, such as a myocardial infarction or cirrohisis of the liver.

I always wondered what that little hose was vaccumming up....
Dentist Closes Office after Putting Semen in Patient's Mouth

My motherland of Poland...still making me proud
Polish man steals a bridge

"The bridge disappeared earlier this month...."
One would think someone would notice a person carrying a 360-ton bridge. Perhaps he was wearing a really big winter coat.

posted by Jenn @ 11:47 AM  

Random High School Nostalgia...

I decided I was due some bragging rights, so I put a little update of my comedy successes in my high school alumni bulletin. These past couple days, a couple people I haven't heard from in a decade have been coming out of the woodwork, which is wonderful because now I have new menial groupies shouting out praise to the Jenn Dlugos Enterprise.

The most common thing I've heard was the words "I would never have thought YOU would take this route in life" which really means, "Aren't you suppose to be the one everyone forgot about?" Which is true. I was the shy gal in the corner who was fixated on horror films. My ASVAB tests pointed me toward Career Obscurity or Notoriety via Serial Muderess.

Since I assume some of my classmates will now actually be reading my blog, I felt it would be prudent to answer some of their burning questions.

1) I am not a lesbian. Some of you are probably disappointed by this revelation (I went to an all girls school. Sheer probability.).

2) I never went to pharmacy school. I just realized early on that I would find more pleasure watching Dick Cheney's colonscopy.

3) I'm still fat, but it's completely a career choice. Plus-sized chicks are funnier.

4) I'm glad to report that I shower on a semi regular schedule. I was into the grunge look back then...perhaps a little too much.

5) None of you are in my act, though God knows the country line dancing and the potheadia of prom night was tempting...not to mention the time when Heather popped the question "Can you put the Little Bo Peep lawn decoration in YOUR car, Jenn?".

6) I still kick ass at debate.

7) I am still under the delusion that I had the best graduation dress. I'm sure some Goodwill-credit-card cellulite queen is using it as a Vegas wedding dress as we speak.

And when the hell is our reunion, damnit? I bought the Jaguar, got a really good set of Slimming Pants, and already put in my reservation for the trophy boyfriend from the local escort service. I'll just need a couple weeks to hire an appropriate entourage, develop a condescending attitude, and find the quintessential sophisticated slut dress and I'll be good to go.

posted by Jenn @ 12:03 PM  

Speaking of Last Comic Standing....
When the hell did comedy become a metalhead concert? In the last episode, people were waving signs saying "I'LL MAKE HEFFRON HAPPY IN DETROIT" and "MARRY ME, ALONZO". I thought I did everything right when I went into stand up comedy, but could I have missed some quintessential fanatical Spice Girls-ish fans training?

With that being said, there is NO mystery that I am a rather large fan of John and Gary's respective fartboxes. But I just can't see me sitting in the back of Charlies Chuckle Shack waving a SHOW ME YOUR COOKIES, GARY! sign while hooting and hollering like one recently expunged from Lollapalooza. I equate it to the presence of a mosh pit at a local Garden Club.

I can understand it in music because it's such a highly emotional experience. The bass is jamming, everyone's screaming, and the musicians are going nuts. Comedy is essentially one man, one mike. Even when a comic does the very best set of his/her life, it is still not nearly as an emotional experience as a rock concert.

So the sign-totting groupies in comedy seem, at best, a little off.

Of course, this isn't to say I would be opposed to any of my groupies waving "LOCK ME UP IN YOUR PRISON, JENN" signs at my comedy shows. In fact, it would give you a higher street cred with me and I would be much more likely to take you home after the show. Well....probably not, but I'll at very least give you the impression that I find you irresistible while you rack up my scorpion bowl bill on your tab.

posted by Jenn @ 1:06 PM  

Last Comic Standing
First of all...congrats to John Heffron for winning Last Comic Standing. Personally, I was pulling for Gary Gulman because it is my job to support the Boston comics. And he has a nice ass. Which is more important to me than talent.

Not to mention, at least 2 of my comic friends were featured prominently on the "Best of the Worst" auditions. Both were proud of this fact because they both called me up screaming, "I WAS ON TV!"

Comics are fucking weird.

What is John Waters wearing?
Anyone see him on the Graham Norton Show? He looked like he was wearing the cover of those black and white speckled Composition notebooks. And he's in the movie Seed of Chucky. Good to know he isn't compromising sub-gutter standards.

posted by Jenn @ 11:24 PM  

Blazing Bunny Spreads Cricket Fire
I'm not even sure where to start with this one.

In the "Who needs a cure for cancer, anyways?" Department
Science Teacher Keeps Twinkie for Over 30 Years

Bermuda too mundane?
Tourists are Given the Opportunity to Vacation in a Prison
How I wish I had the time right now to expand on this one.

Gotta run folks....have a good weekend.

posted by Jenn @ 12:11 PM  

Toys R Us Chain May Drop Toy Business
So what, may I ask, are they planning on selling?

Woman Catches 300 Pound Fish
I will pass on a very bad menses joke.

In the proof God has a sense of humor department...
Sex Offender Wins Lottery on his Weekend out of Jail

In comedy news...
I did a set at Flynny's Funny Farm at The Brewery Exchange in Lowell, MA yesterday. Fun little room and there's comedy for $3 every other Wednesday Night. That's a steal for seeing someone so proficient in the comic arts as myself. And the other comics were good too....but the people who read my blog are only concerned with me. Why else would you be reading this, Dad? And Mom. And random inmates plotting my demise.

posted by Jenn @ 12:32 PM  

Polish Town seeks Government Aid for Building Hotels for Tourists Visiting Crop Circles
I just want to thank my mother land of Poland for solidifying the accuracy of Polish jokes. Either that or the Polish population felt left out of the "You Might be a Redneck" trend.

Police Search for Cross-dressing robber
Pray say, how hard can he be to find?

California School Teaches Children the 53 U.S. States
I believe a girl I used to work with went to this school. She was 21 years old when she asked me if West Virginia was part of Virginia. Much like New Mexico is simply the add-on dining room of Mexico. And Tomorrowland is closed today.

This school also taught that there were 4 houses of government: the two most popular choices were the Senate (otherwise known as the House of Republicans) and the House of Representatives (The House of Democrats).

And we wonder why there are instructions for erasers.

posted by Jenn @ 12:39 PM  

The parents show...
I did a couple minutes at The Comedy Studio this Sunday. This is the first time the parents saw me do my comedy and I did relatively well. Which is quite impressive as I have gotten rusty since devoting much of my otherwise rehearsal time to the final edits of Public Health Disturbance. You know what I realized this week? As much as I love comedy writing, stand up comedy is a need. Even for the couple minutes I did Sunday, the only thing running through my head was "There's no place else I would rather be right now than right here". I have taken several breaks from stand up comedy over the years to pursue comedy writing or improv comedy or another deviation of comedy. Some of these breaks lasted months....one lasted years. I have come to the conclusion Sunday that I will never, ever take a lengthy break again. I love it far too much to ever let anything else get in the way again. I am booked every night this week, and I am thrilled. So for everyone (including my agent) who's been telling me all of this for years....I am back on the scene. For damn good.

Only took 8 damn years to come to that conclusion.


But I'm Polish.


With blond highlights.

And by the way, if you ever are in Harvard Square....check out The Comedy Studio. I have traveled a lot...played lots of different clubs. It's truly the best. I've only performed there a couple times, but it feels like home. Not to mention there are scorpion bowls. Just don't drink one of the little plastic monkeys. I already made that mistake. Twice.


Man Cuts Off Penis after Wife Will Not Have Sex With Him
Doesn't this seem like breeding rabbits in your own vegetable garden?

Two Most Wanted Criminals Found....in Jail
This is damn funny because a very similar incident happened in my prison. My prison was also a hospital with a psychiatric ward. But there were also a couple outpatient medical floors for homeless people or people with no health insurance. One day one of the people in my department went in to check on one of her patients and discovered him gone. When she inquired to his whereabouts, they told him he was brought to the prison unit. Apparently, the night he was admitted, he was featured on America's Most Wanted. This was discovered because his hospital room mate was watching it at the time, so he called up the hotline and turned him in. The moral of the story, folks....if you have committed a hell worthy trespass, perhaps it may not be prudent to seek medical assistance from a healthcare facility that has a lockdown unit.

Till later....

posted by Jenn @ 12:45 PM  

Oklahoma Man Shoots Himself in the Ass

Cops Free Chicken from a Windshield Wiper

Scrabble Champion gets Banned from tournament After Spelling Out the Word "Lez"

Alice Cooper's Snake Eats Heating Pad

Ever get the feeling that it's a slow news day?

posted by Jenn @ 7:30 AM  

Robbery suspect Nabbed at Anti-Crime Party
Wow, that's ironic. That's like Republican and Democrat spouses running a region of American soil that's not California.

Postman Kept 21,000 4-Year-Old Undelivered Letters in His Bedroom
Well. We finally know where that 9-11 memo was.

Locusts eat Soccer Field....
Can't blame them, really. Have you seen the food on FranceAir?

In the "What the Fuck?" Category...
There is apparently a new local heavy metal band called "Sodomy Orange". One ponders the conversation that surely took place to come up with such a name.

Metalhead 1: OK....we gotta come up with a name for this band.
Metalhead 2: How about The Cockmasters?
Metalhead 1: (blinking) Uh....no. It has to be something good.
Metalhead 3: Oranges are good.
(long pause)
Metalhead 3: They are high in fiber, have plenty of antioxidants, and are the third favorite Lifesavers flavor.
Metalhead 1: Dude, that's like... so lame.
Metalhead 2: How many Lifesavers can you balance on your penis?
Metalhead 1: (looks at Metalhead 3) Dude!
Metalhead 3: Not to mention those Chocolate Oranges are refreshing...
Metalhead 1: FINE! We'll keep the damn "Orange". But we need something badass to round it out with. What's something evil?
Metalhead 2: Fucking someone with a pool cue?
(Metalhead 1 develops rapid eye twitch)
Metalhead 1: You weren't ordained at any point, were you?
Metalhead 2: Huh?
Metalhead 1: We are not calling our band "Fucking Someone With a Pool Cue Orange"!
Metalhead 3: Actually regular sexual relations sans pool cues is a heart healthy activity.....
Metalhead 1: SHUT UP! Fine....it will be "Sodomy Orange". Does that make both of you fuckers happy?
(both nod heads)
Metalhead 2: I've never tried sodomy with an orange.
Metalhead 3: Try the Chocolate Orange. It has a creamier texture.
Metalhead 1: I'm suddenly late for my date with Kurt Cobain's diary and an automatic weapon...

posted by Jenn @ 12:32 PM  

Bobbleheads Decide Presidential Election
Don't knock it. Florida couldn't accomplish this.

Computer crash Wipes Out Florida Voting Records
New rule. Florida is no longer allowed to vote. If they protest too much, Bush can whip up some phony voting machines, preferably in the form of enormous See and Says so they can pull the cord and the large dial lands on the president of their choice. Surely some of the brighter residents in the state will cry their "conspiracy theories" of "not taking the votes of Florida seriously". To combat this problem, all residences of Florida (including Cinderella's Castle) will be wired to the Pentagon who will promptly send military personal to the delusional paranoiac's home and he/she will be silenced by a symphony of Sing and Snore Ernies and Gloworms.

DUI Defendent Comes to Court Drunk
Perhaps it's time to evaluate his legal strategist.

In the Dlugos court...
I am currently preparing for a rather nerve-wracking weekend. Namely, my parents are coming up to see me do stand up comedy for the first time.

Ever.

I am seriously more nervous about this than performing at the MGM Grand this month. Keep your fingers crossed that I do well. Otherwise, I'm going to have to come up with another excuse for not using that college degree of mine. Please email any suggestions in advance.

Till next time...

posted by Jenn @ 12:24 PM  

Priest and Nun Caught in a Sex Act
Feel free to make your own "eat his body, drink his blood" joke

Singapore holds a Computer Hacking Contest
Apparently, Ad-ware has taken over Singapore's computers. Good for them. I'm always a proponent of competitive caning.

Drug Sniffing Dog Dies of Overdose
On a related note, a veterinarian assistant was apprehended yesterday for spiking women's drinks with dog ashes.

That's all I got today folks. Take it or leave it.

posted by Jenn @ 12:16 PM  

New Catholic Sarcrament Express Lane Opened!
Newlyweds from Italy got married in a shark tank yesterday, being the first people ever to complete 90% of the Catholic sacraments in less than an hour.

They began by immersing themselves in water (Baptism)
"God...I'll promise never to cheat on him again...just don't let the sharks eat me" (Confession)
"Honey, are you bleeding?" (Communion)
"Augh! The shark has my leg!" (Confirmation)

The Holy Matrimony moved quickly along to the "death do you part" with the Anointing of the Terminally Shark Bitten, and a closing of the festivities with a rousing Rite of Christian Burial at sea.

posted by Jenn @ 12:37 PM