DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

Weird News Day
An 18-year old girl from Maryland who stole $4.00 in gas was sentenced to wear a sandwich board that said "I GOT CAUGHT STEALING GAS" for 3 hours in front of the gas station.

I'm assuming scarlet letters will be next to make a John Travolta-esque comeback. I have no problem with them, personally...I'd just feel bad for all the high school kids with varsity letters. Flaming torch mobs would be following them EVERYWHERE.

"GET AWAY FROM ME! I JUST PLAY BADMINGTON!"

Lions, and tigers, and bacon...
NYC policemen apprehended a tiger that escaped from a circus. Last year, a tiger was rescued from an apartment building. Captain John Durkin was quoted saying:

"Police have no special training on how to deal with tigers. Based on this tiger and the last tiger, we may have to incorporate something into our training."

Maybe it was just me who seemed to notice a rather large point being missed....such as "keep anything higher than humans on the food chain in a damn cage." Instead, training NYC police--who probably do not frequent the plains of Zimbabwe--on the ins and outs of carnivorous feline apprehension....well, it just seems like breaking into the Pentagon just to steal M&M's from the cafeteria vending machine.

News from the Four Horses of the Apocalypse..
Locusts invaded an airport at Nice yesterday. Residents have been advised to wear liberal amounts of OFF, invest in a large ark, and be careful not to step in any flaming shrubbery.

posted by Jenn @ 8:47 PM  

In the news today...

Alabama is proposing a law to ban sex toys. On a related note, Alabama will no longer be raising livestock.

From the home of the DNC...

Finally Boston is getting back to normal after the influx of the baby-kissers. So the traffic will no longer be forced to come to a screeching halt. It will go back to the way it was before, which was....a screeching halt. After all this time, the Matrix was located in the North End. Who knew.

Kerry's first order of business...

If Kerry gets elected, I propose he immediately shift a couple greenbacks to NASA. This, of course, is for the deportation of Ann Coulter to some planet that doesn't rhyme with "girth". We can give the job of locating the appropriate planet to the Church of the Jedi Knights. After all, what's the point of having Jedis if they can't create planetary order?

Oh Yesiree, Bob
There really is a Church of Jedi Knights. They are the ones keeping the poncho people employed.

Stupidest thing I heard today...
On the radio I heard an announcer say:
"I'd vote for an idiot conservative over a genius liberal. I'd even vote for a conservative chimpanzee if it keeps my taxes down and provides good homeland defense."
Good military strategy. Especially as Iraqis have not likely seen Planet of the Apes.

I think this election is going to cause me to move to Britian. Having my Idiot-in-Chief determined by birth right might be refreshing.

Favorite quote of the day...
From my own father after I commented that John Edwards has a good politician smile.

"Before you can be a lawyer or politician, part of your legal and political science curriculum is Smiling 101, General B.S., and Advanced Lying Through Your Teeth."

Hard to imagine where I get it from.


Til later....

posted by Jenn @ 12:35 PM  

It's a curse to have my mind...
This afternoon, I was minding my own business at work and doing some research regarding heart ailments at HeartInfo.org. This is exactly where I was when my eyes darted to an article entitled:

SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT STORE BOUGHT RED SNAPPERS

For enlightened souls, a snapper is a fish. For those unenlightened souls, a snapper is another word for a vagina. I learned this from George Carlin who does a hilarious bit on Snapper Lawnmowers. His definition is:

"A snapper comes from the term 'snapping pussy' which is a particular type of pussy with good, strong, muscle contraction that can grab on to you and give you a decent fuck"

I hear he'll be making a cameo in Websters Dictionary.

Now, the term "fish" also relates to female organs, and if you need an explanation....go ask your mom. This explains why in the middle of my work day I burst out laughing when I read:

"Red snapper is the most sought-after snapper species and has the highest prices, and many people, including me, believe it tastes best."

posted by Jenn @ 6:15 PM  

To the Supreme Being Controlling the Weather..
 
It's been 69 degrees for the past 4 days.  While I appreciate your attempt at comedy, Boston has not seen an unchanging 4 day forecast since The Seventh Seal ripped open and expunged 300 droves of locusts (otherwise known as the arrival of tourist season).  Please stop this behavior immediately, send threat of an impending monsoon, or at very least...turn the Charles River into blood.  It would relieve us greatly.  

It's been brought to my attention...
I discovered yet another untapped portion of the Jenn Dlugos cranium.  It appears that I can not sit in a meeting of any kind without a vision...however fleeting...of an alien ripping through my chest and causing mass chaos in said meeting.  There must be a support group somewhere for this disorder. 

Until next time, faithful boils and ghouls....

posted by Jenn @ 12:43 PM  

LAND OF THE MORONIC EDITS

You might think the life of a writer is easy. Well, it isn't. Most of the day, we have to deal with enlightening edits from unenlightened people. Here's a sample of my top five of this week.

5) From my own agent: In my article, Dogs on Sleds and Other Abominations, I refer to having a body weight affectionately called "Brick Shithouse Weight" (abbreviated BSHW)
My edit? "Is BSHW an actual measurement term?"

Yes. It ranks up there with BST (Barn Silo Thighs), ESAC (Equator Sized Ass Crack), and DYSAB (Did You Swallow a Bovine?)

4) "She squeezed the life out of him"
My edit? "I believe the correct tense of squeezed is "squoze""

And I believe you need to receive The Phonics Game this Yule.

3) "It reminded me of the old Daffy Duck cartoons"
My edit? "I believe Daffy Duck is copyrighted. Please check with Disney"

As he's probably spending the day at Disney's duck pond with Donald, Daisy, and the Aflac duck.

2) "Make sure to cover your whole face - including your hair"
My edit? "Hair is not part of your face."

Clearly, someone who should be working for the Human Genome Project.

1) My personal favorite....may God strike me dead if I'm lying.
My line was simply "When Pigs Fly."
My edit? "Pigs don't have wings."

Most likely, some sort of aviation specialist or a frequent observer of UFOs. And probably resides within 6 degrees of Hair Lady.

posted by Jenn @ 6:54 PM  

I'm quite upset about how fast kids grow up today. I'm speaking of their use of adult language. And I'm not talking about "shit" and "fuck". Every kid who has more than a 200 word vocabulary uses "shit" and "fuck" on a regular basis. As well they should, because it makes you cool when you can't afford to smoke. I personally advocate putting them on elementary school spelling tests. That way I won't have to read bathroom stall graffiti that says "ELLIS IS A FUKING SHYTHED".

The language I'm referring to is "colorful slang". "Fuck", "Shit", and the like has gotten a bad rap, so adults have come up with colorful combinations of Webster authorized words which are generally more amusing then their more vulgar counterparts. Someone let these words out to the child population. I discovered this when I was taking my walk tonight. I heard one boy, no more than 10, calling his brother a "Fudge Packer". When I was 10, a Fudge Packer was my dream occupation in Hershey, Pennsylvania. His brother responded by telling him to go "wax his carrot" (not a threat admittedly, but formalities are not usually followed in these situations). Finally, the older boy proceeded to respond by putting 3 fingers up and telling his brother to "read between the lines".

Let me tell you why this disturbs me. When I was a kid, I realized there wasn't a whole lot of advantages to growing up. You had to go to work in the summer, you had to pay for things like food and your house, and for the proliferation of the human race you had to shack up with a member of the opposite sex who may or may not be cootie-contaminated. But, I figured it was a fair tradeoff for being able to curse explicitly whenever I saw fit. I also understood that my preteen cursing was regulated to The Seven Dirty Words, because that is all your taught. It's not until early adulthood that you get to hear the colorful, almost poetic curses such as "bearded clam", "going up the chocolate highway", and "playing the pink oboe". Knowing this, I was able to approach adulthood without such an impending sense of doom.

My suggestion, fellow adults, is that all of our future slang should be used only in Las Vegas. It's a natural city for loose lippedness as it is chockfull of adults letting their inhabitions flow with the nearest available Playboy bunny, cocktail waitress, or livestock animal. And if, by chance, there are some children in the city while we are #%$^ing the @$%&^ out of Websters dictionary, there is no need to worry about them spreading the words to the rest of the child population. They will likely be too preoccupied abusing the open alcohol and legalized prostitution laws.

posted by Jenn @ 12:37 AM