DEJENNERATE.COM BLOG

As many of you know, I went to a writers' convention this week. I blogged a very charming post about it yesterday. Now, I just have to vent one little frustraton regarding this convention. The hotel was perfectly lovely with every accommodation available, however I was slightly unnerved that the lamp on my nightstand would turn on but not off. I tried for a good 47 minutes to turn it off with no avail. This was upsetting as I was not notified prior to arrival that post doctoral work in electrical engineering was required to stay in a simple double bed room. This distressing news turned into utter stupification when I fell asleep Friday night. As I was not capable of turning the nightstand light off, I fell asleep with it on. When I awoke the next day, I was immediately forced to count the number of people in the hotel room. Despite the fact that there was still the same number of the people in the hotel room as the night before (a consistent 1 people), the ever illuminating nightstand light turned itself off over the course of the night, however the lamp on the desk managed to turn itself on. Clearly, if the hotel want to decrease exorcism attempts, I would suggest that they stop cutting corners on electricity costs and cease using particularly antsy fireflies for its hotel room lamps.

posted by Jenn @ 6:42 PM  

THE CLASS CLOWN NATIONAL CONVENTION: (otherwise known as, WHAT THE @$#^%^% to do in Dayton, Ohio)

I just came back from the Erma Bombeck Humor Writers' Convention in Dayton, Ohio. For those of you who have never been to Dayton, it's a fairly small city that is 75% college students, has 4-lane streets despite the fact that there is only 3 cars out on the road at any given time, and is only capable of receiving only two radio stations clearly: The Nashville Waltz and Polka Network and the 24-hour Gregorian Monk Chant Station. So, this seemed like a natural place for a bunch of cynical charm school dropouts to hobnob.

I have gone to many, many writers' conventions, and by far this was the best one. In the interest of time, I'm simply going to share some of the things I learned here:

1) Regardless how much I want to focus on networking and furthering my own career, my primate brain that says "follow hot men" will always supercede. This was discovered as I bought an autographed copy of a book I care nothing about, just because the author had well-formed buttocks.

2) Because I am less than 40 years old, I am still a larva (Jill Conner Browne -Sweet Potato Queens Series). This was such a positive revelation despite the fact that I’ve been watching The Discovery Channel for multiple years and have yet to observe the larva of any species baste her hair in Sun-In because it is gradually converting into to the coat of an elderly English Sheepdog. But, let's not ruin a good thing.

3) You can learn just as much on the bus going to the convention hall that you learn at the convention...such as the time they call "last call" at the hotel bar, how to thoroughly terrorize the wedding party down the hall, and which hotel guests need to be smacked over the head with the large potted fig tree in the hotel lobby.

4) "There is difference between writing a book and WRITING...A....BOOK." (Nancy Cartwright - The Simpsons). Apparently, the first one is what celebrities do to tell their personal story, and the second one is what writers do to keep the psychotropic drug companies employed.

5) Make yourself stand out. I did this by having the best business card and website name at the convention. I was talking to Craig Wilson who some may know as a humor columnist from USA TODAY. Personally, I have never heard of him because I don’t read USA TODAY. Maybe I’ll start when I finish Wuthering Heights (a little nudge, nudge, wink, wink to convention attendees). I gave him my business card (after making myself stand out by announcing I work in a maximum security prison. This is a good opening line, by the way. Look how well it worked for Charles Manson's career.). He (meaning Craig, not Charles Manson) actually said that my website being www.deJENNerate.com was “too creative for him“. Which is redundant as I am currently preserving my creativity by putting out a third SELF-published book (since I do not have enough copies from the first two self-published books to retile my kitchen yet), and he has nationally published column which is positively hilarious (at least I think I heard it was funny. It was hard to hear over Grapes of Wrath blaring through my headphones). Regardless, it was like James Dean saying that you're too "cool" for him. It feels pretty damn good until you realize it's as accurate as a tea leaves reading from Miss Cleo. But, it convinced me to buy his book.

6) Finally, let your true writing voice shine through. You'll know when you find it. For example, my latest book, PUBLIC HEALTH DISTURBANCE (due out soon), started out entitled AN UNDISCLOSED PLACE which depicted myself as light and heartwarming. It wasn't until I was writing page 13 that I remembered I was shallow and callous. This made for a much better book that will surely enjoy many years primly featured at prison book burnings worldwide.

When all is said and done, the best part of the convention for me was meeting Don Novello, more commonly known as Father Guido Sarducci from Saturday Night Live. Don and I have an extensive history together, most of which he is not aware of. So, it seems reasonable to reveal this history to him on a blog no one reads besides my grandmother, several bored co-workers, and my cat when the Tom and Jerry screen saver comes on. Our history begins in my teenage years when I decided that I was going to be funny for a living. The show that informed me of this career path was a little cable show called COMICS ONLY. It was shown daily on an unknown network named Comedy Central, and was hosted by the Where-the-hell-is-he-now? comedian, Paul Provenza (Author's note: If anyone has seen Paul lately, please let me know so I can stop calling my local dairy suggesting to put his face on a gallon of holiday egg nog). Don Novello was the second comedian I ever saw on the show. It was the first time I saw Father Guido, and I became a fan immediately. I managed to get my hands on his first Lazlo letters book and his little "cult masterpiece", BLADE: THE SHELLVILLE YEARBOOK which was a high school yearbook for a school of sheep. It was, and may forever be, the funniest book on my shelf. More importantly, it showed me that in the humor realm, a twisted mind is a beautiful mind.

Don's speech at the convention gave a hilarious insight into his brain. It started with his game show POPE OR FOOD?, moved right into SHELLVILLE, and climaxed at plastic lawn chair alien invasions. It must be a gift and a curse to have a brain like his. The very last night, I got an opportunity to chat with him a bit in the hotel bar (the good father drinks Heineken for people who care about such things. I was drinking spiked Diet Pepsi for people who don't care about such things). I spend most of my nights around arrogant, self-indulgent stand up comics, so I was truly blown away with how incredibly gracious and down-to-earth he was. Not to mention, he looks 20 years younger than he actually is, which I assume is due to many years bathing in holy water. In hindsight, I wish I would have told him how much of an inspiration he has been for my own writing/stand-up comedy career. Unfortunately, flattery--even to those well deserving of it-- does not come particularly easy for me as noted by the shallow and callous revelation earlier. Instead I chose reveal it on a site that, as previously mentioned, no one reads except my own DNA-compatible bifocal wearers and the occasional domestic feline.

I had such a blast and I am guaranteeing a return appearance in 2006 come bad hair days or de-larvafication. To all the wonderful people I met, I'll see you in a mere 730 days....just in time for your restraining orders to expire.

As I have no ending for this piece, I will simply leave you all with the most vital information I received this weekend....

Plastic lawn chairs are evil. Don't try to throw them away since they will only come back, and for Chrissakes, don't let a plastic chair take your teenage sheep to her senior prom.

posted by Jenn @ 6:38 PM